Yesterday I covered the New York Giants’ journey to the Super Bowl and discussed whether or not the gypsy curse they’ve placed on their opponents will still be in effect come this Sunday. Today, I’m going to chronicle the road taken by the New England Patriots, who, like the Giants, are a team split in two halves: one fantastic, and one a farting-while-wearing-a-tuxedo-level of embarrassment. Together, those halves make up one of the best teams in all of football.
Honestly, neither of these teams deserves to be in the Super Bowl this year. They both just sucked a bit less than everyone else.
The best way to describe the 2011-2012 Patriots is with two stats:
2nd overall in total passing yards
31st overall in total passing yards against.
One lesson we can take from this is that the Patriots are a highly effective offensive machine. The other lesson we can learn is that no one bothers telling the Pats that the game actually continues when the offense isn’t on the field. There’s a whole other half of a game that the Patriots have neglected to tell Siri to schedule in to their iCalendar to remind them to put their defense in as soon as the offense comes out.
I’m not an NFL insider, so I can’t give you some behind-the-scenes scoop on why the Patriots defense was as bad as it was this season. Thankfully, what I am is an asshole that likes to make up dumb shit for my own amusement. As such, I like to imagine that at some point before the start of the season someone told the Patriots defensive team that for every passing yard they allow an inner-city youth will graduate high school at the top of their class. The Patriots’ defense didn’t suck because they had no idea how to defend something as tricky as a person throwing a ball to another person — it was because they were led to believe that they were making the world a better, smarter place for everyone, no matter how harsh their economic situation. The Pat’s defense sucked because the Pat’s defense cared too much, about all of us, about fostering in a new era prosperity and intellectualism in America.
2011-2012 Patriots Defense: Sucking Their Way To A Better America!
Or maybe because they’re made up of players other teams have tossed out on their asses because they weren’t good, which is exactly what the Patriots are, defensively.
Watching the Patriots offense this season, on the other hand, was special. Their offense’s lethality can be almost entirely attributed to a man named Rob Gronkowski, a name I will never Google search to find out if I’m spelling it correctly. Rob Gronkkowsies is a Tight End (go ahead, get the immature chuckles out of your system). The tight end plays two rolls:
1) The tight end can be used as another member of the offensive line to protect the quarterback.
2) The tight end can be used as a larger-than-average receiver that can be hard to take down due to their size and power.
This is Rob Groncowskiess pictured standing beside a porn star he probably had sex with, aka a person of average human weight and height.
Rob Gronkowslie got that big by drinking milk, eating all of his vegetables, and being part horse.
As was the case with Victor Cruz and the Giants, Rob Groncoskis is the primary reason the Patriots are in the Super Bowl, and the primary reason the Patriots lost only 3 games all season. In only his second year in the NFL, Rob shattered the single season record for most touchdown receptions by a tight end. The reason for this is simple: Rob can land on his neck while scoring a touchdown, like this…
…feel a little dizzy afterwards like this…
…and then regain enough composure to spike the ball so hard…
…that it ended up here…
For the Super Bowl, the Patriots should rename their team the New England Grownkowskis and their mascot should be a centaur with Rob Gronkowski’s face and a very visible case of VD.
Oh, yeah, and Tom Brady is on the team, too.
There isn’t much to say about Tom Brady, really. He’s Tom Brady…meaning everyone hates him because it’s unfair when extremely pretty people are also extremely good at something that can lead to fame and glory. Ugly people (which we all are in comparison to Tom Brady) understand that we might be good at something but we’re nothing you want to look at for too long. Pretty people know they’re not good at anything so they have to go as far as their looks will take them in life and settle down wherever they’re superficiality drops them.
Thus, Tom Brady can burn in hell. He’s one of the greatest QBs to ever play the game AND he kind of looks like default-Commander Shepard from the Mass Effect series.
Looking like a fictional character that saves the galaxy has to count for something in life.
He gives me an inferiority complex.