My mom always said to me “Before you decide to get married , make sure your heart is filled with the utmost love and respect for the person you’re marrying. Unless that person has really big perky titties but still manages a thin figure. In which case, don’t worry about the shit I said before.” Ryan Reynolds, my mom would be proud. People.com reports:
After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.
As a man, you always kind of think you have a shot with any girl if the right situation came about. Except for Scarlett Johansson. I’ve seriously spent nights awake trying to think of a scenario and I couldn’t come up with shit. I had this one scenario where we both were on a boat and some terrorists took it over, but that fell apart pretty quick due to some of the logistics of the boat and me being able to perform while also worrying about my safety. I’ve said too much.
Aaaanyway, kudos to Mr. Ryan Reynolds. Landing Scarlett Johansson is an amazing feat of cocksmanship. I mean, if you think about it, it sort of makes him a Super Hero of sorts. I think he’d look something like this:
Of course, he’d have to have a nemesis. I’m thinking maybe like some dude who’s friends with Scarlett that she confides in and says stuff like “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you,” while they both cry. Then he’s like “let’s go rollerblading and just be really good to us today. We deserve it.” Then she calls Ryan and cancels on him even though Ryan had courtside tickets to the Lakers game. I think this nemesis would prove formidable to Captain Poontang and look something like this:
please dear god no!!! not my scarlett!
http://www.lyricshack.net/
Say it isn’t so….Scarlett is the true screen beauty who displays purity and innocence, while simultaneously touching that deep, dark part of a man’s soul that makes him want to explore every sexual fantasy with her with no plans of ever getting tired of it. She is that innocent throwback star, who will be forever changed, no sullied, in our minds when she gets married. Don’t do it Scarlett. I have so few fantasies left….
NOW I HAVE EVEN ONE MORE REASON TO HATE THAT FUCK. FUCK YOU RYAN REYNOLDS! YOU WILL GET NO HIGH FIVES FROM ME. KICK IN THE BALLS MAYBE.
SCARLETT, YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER….
Ryan is not marrying Scarlett. Ryan is gay. I know this because he is mine. Oops, was mine. Before that arranged marriage to Katie. Honestly, did you really think I was doing Nicole Kidman? Ryan is the man (I am jumping on my couch now). Scarlett, she doesn’t have anything. She is not even OT. She doesn’t even have her secret scientology decoder ring. Katie has hers now. Of course, she had to go through mind fuck training in the desert for a week, but she did it. That’s my little pet robot. Oh Ryan, Ryan, wherefore art thou Ryan?
Ryan Reynolds you lucky bastard…just dont pass whatever STD you got from Tara Reid to Scarlett Johansson. So when you get divorced in 6 months, she wont be a fucking petri dish.
Nice. That was the funniest shit I’ve read today! (the day is early) Well said. Scarlett Johansson is a fucking goddess, and Ryan Reynolds doesn’t seem like a total douchebag. As you said, kudos to him.
So…does this mean she will stop singing? *crosses fingers*
now the only hope I have left is rape.