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Scarlett Johansson To Marry Ryan Reynolds


My mom always said to me “Before you decide to get married , make sure your heart is filled with the utmost love and respect for the person you’re marrying.  Unless that person has really big perky titties but still manages a thin figure.  In which case, don’t worry about the shit I said before.”  Ryan Reynolds, my mom would be proud.  People.com reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

As a man, you always kind of think you have a shot with any girl if the right situation came about.  Except for Scarlett Johansson.  I’ve seriously spent nights awake trying to think of a scenario and I couldn’t come up with shit.  I had this one scenario where we both were on a boat and some terrorists took it over, but that fell apart pretty quick due to some of the logistics of the boat and me being able to perform while also worrying about my safety.  I’ve said too much.

Aaaanyway, kudos to Mr. Ryan Reynolds.  Landing Scarlett Johansson is an amazing feat of cocksmanship.  I mean, if you think about it, it sort of makes him a Super Hero of sorts.  I think he’d look something like this:


Of course, he’d have to have a nemesis.  I’m thinking maybe like some dude who’s friends with Scarlett that she confides in and says stuff like “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you,” while they both cry.  Then he’s like “let’s go rollerblading  and just be really good to us today.  We deserve it.”   Then she calls Ryan and cancels on him even though Ryan had courtside tickets to the Lakers game.  I think this nemesis would prove formidable to Captain Poontang and look  something like this:


9 Responses to "Scarlett Johansson To Marry Ryan Reynolds"

  1. </a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-53532">May 13, 2009 at 12:30 pm</a></div> <p>Good Day. Never make a defense or an apology until you are accused.<br /> I am from Guyana and also am speaking English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “The french carmaker renault is to pay us.known as avtovaz for short, it is one of the least efficient automobile.”</p> <p>With best wishes <img src='http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' /> , Ivie.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-6547"> <div id="comment-6547" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn"><a href='http://www.lyricshack.net/' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>brice</a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6547">May 4, 2008 at 11:36 pm</a></div> <p>please dear god no!!! not my scarlett!</p> <p><a href="http://www.lyricshack.net/" rel="nofollow">http://www.lyricshack.net/</a></p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-6548"> <div id="comment-6548" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">INDENIAL FOR SCARLETT</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6548">May 5, 2008 at 12:35 am</a></div> <p>Say it isn’t so….Scarlett is the true screen beauty who displays purity and innocence, while simultaneously touching that deep, dark part of a man’s soul that makes him want to explore every sexual fantasy with her with no plans of ever getting tired of it. She is that innocent throwback star, who will be forever changed, no sullied, in our minds when she gets married. Don’t do it Scarlett. I have so few fantasies left….</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-6549"> <div id="comment-6549" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn"><a href='http://WWW.FUCKRYANREYNOLDS.COM' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>FUCK RYAN REYNOLDS</a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6549">May 5, 2008 at 12:38 am</a></div> <p>NOW I HAVE EVEN ONE MORE REASON TO HATE THAT FUCK. FUCK YOU RYAN REYNOLDS! YOU WILL GET NO HIGH FIVES FROM ME. KICK IN THE BALLS MAYBE.<br /> SCARLETT, YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER….</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-6550"> <div id="comment-6550" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Tom Cruise</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6550">May 5, 2008 at 12:42 am</a></div> <p>Ryan is not marrying Scarlett. Ryan is gay. I know this because he is mine. Oops, was mine. Before that arranged marriage to Katie. Honestly, did you really think I was doing Nicole Kidman? Ryan is the man (I am jumping on my couch now). Scarlett, she doesn’t have anything. She is not even OT. She doesn’t even have her secret scientology decoder ring. Katie has hers now. Of course, she had to go through mind fuck training in the desert for a week, but she did it. That’s my little pet robot. Oh Ryan, Ryan, wherefore art thou Ryan?</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-6551"> <div id="comment-6551" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">morty</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6551">May 5, 2008 at 3:58 am</a></div> <p>Ryan Reynolds you lucky bastard…just dont pass whatever STD you got from Tara Reid to Scarlett Johansson. So when you get divorced in 6 months, she wont be a fucking petri dish.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-6552"> <div id="comment-6552" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Vent</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6552">May 5, 2008 at 12:29 pm</a></div> <p>Nice. That was the funniest shit I’ve read today! (the day is early) Well said. Scarlett Johansson is a fucking goddess, and Ryan Reynolds doesn’t seem like a total douchebag. As you said, kudos to him.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-6553"> <div id="comment-6553" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Keeblerkahn</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6553">May 5, 2008 at 1:23 pm</a></div> <p>So…does this mean she will stop singing? *crosses fingers*</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-6554"> <div id="comment-6554" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">white devil</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/scarlett-johansson-to-marry-ryan-reynolds/#comment-6554">May 5, 2008 at 4:51 pm</a></div> <p>now the only hope I have left is rape.</p> </div> </li> </ol> </div> </div> <div id="column-right"> <div class="block"> <div id="re_ad_300x250"> <!-- begin ad-tag 300x250 --> <div id="div-gpt-ad-1362699458765-1"> <script type="text/javascript"> googletag.cmd.push(function () { googletag.display("div-gpt-ad-1362699458765-1"); }); </script> </div> <!-- end ad tag --> </div> </div> <!-- START OF THE PLAYER EMBEDDING TO COPY-PASTE --> <div id="mediaplayer" class="mediaplayer block"> <textarea class="lazyload-right"> <h2 class="heading"> This Street Fight Is So Well Filmed It’s Almost Art </h2> <div class="mediaplayerBox"> <iframe src="//break.com/embed/2655550?embed=1" width="300" height="250" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen frameborder="0"></iframe> </div> </textarea> </div> <!-- END OF THE PLAYER EMBEDDING --> </div> <br clear="all" /> </div> <!-- content end --> </div> <div class="footer_wraper"> <div class="footer"> <ul class="network_sites"> <li class="break"><a href="http://www.break.com/" target="_blank" title="Funny Videos">Break.com</a></li> <li class="mademan"><a href="http://www.mademan.com/" target="_blank" title="Men's Guide">Made Man</a></li> <li class="gamefront"><a href="http://www.gamefront.com/" target="_blank" title="Game Front">Game Front</a></li> <li class="screenjunkies"><a href="http://www.screenjunkies.com/" target="_blank" title="Movie Reviews">Screen Junkies</a></li> <li class="cagepotato"><a href="http://www.cagepotato.com/" target="_blank" title="MMA News">Cage Potato</a></li> <li class="chickipedia"><a href="http://www.mademan.com/chickipedia/" target="_blank" title="Hot Pictures">Chickipedia</a></li> <li class="holytaco last"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/" target="_blank" title="Funny Stuff">Holy Taco</a></li> </ul> </div> </div> <script type="text/javascript"> if(typeof _brkPVO == 'undefined') var _brkPVO = 'pe=a&pi=944'; (function() { var brkpv = document.createElement('script'); brkpv.type = 'text/javascript';brkpv.async = true;brkpv.src = 'http://media1.break.com/break/js/lamp/pageview.min.js?v=221'; document.body.appendChild(brkpv); })(); </script> <!--Plugin Missed Schedule 2013.0130.2222 Active - Key Tag: bkytCi8L522P8RbgYIlkQbL6Yz4JDvIWlTlXN5q776Yvq5t7gxkCvB643C7osdFV6--> <!-- Universal Footer --> <script type="text/javascript" data-site-id="HolyTaco" id="js-UniversalFooter"> (function() { var uf = document.createElement('script'), s = document.getElementById('js-UniversalFooter'); uf.type = 'text/javascript'; uf.src = '//cdn.sites.break.com/wp-content/themes/sites.break/universal-footer/UniversalFooter.js'; s.parentNode.insertBefore(uf, s); })(); </script> <div id="tracking" style="height:0px; width:0px; overflow:hidden;"> <!-- Start Comscore Beacon --> <script type="text/javascript"> document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + (document.location.protocol == "https:" ? 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