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Scarlett Johansson Won’t Have Sex With You Now

If you figured Scarlett Johansson¬†was sad and alone and that you were the one who would sweep her off her feet…well you’re a retard if you thought that. According to HollywoodRag.com she is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds:

The ‘Lost in Translation’ actress, who has been dating Ryan for almost a year, is said to be smitten with the ‘Smokin’ Aces’ star and has accepted his marriage proposal.

A source said: “We can expect an engagement announcement from Ryan and Scarlett any day now. They are very much in love and have decided to take the next step. Scarlett is thrilled!”

But, with every story there is a silver lining. At least you won’t have to…um, I mean, there’s always…nope. Sorry, this story pretty much sucks all around. Congratulations Ryan. I definitely hope you don’t suffer a non-lethal, but serious injury that horribly disfigures your face.

10 Responses to "Scarlett Johansson Won’t Have Sex With You Now"

  1. Thunderscrotum says:

    You mean she would have had sex with me before?!!? FUCK! Thanks for telling me!

  2. NakedGod says:

    That god damned lucky bastard. He stole my woman.

  3. Daily Strip Show Comment Spam Sux says:

    NO! NO! NO! One thousand times NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

  4. IndianaMike says:

    This is a sad day.

  5. BigToe says:

    Been there, done that. Don’t worry guys you didn’t miss much. Oh wait! Shit it’s 8a.m.

  6. josh says:

    as i saw this article, keep hope alive by crystal method started playing on my itunes, so i’m pretty sure this is no big deal.

  7. No worries. He’ll probably end up dead in an apartment in NYC.

  8. Jimmy Bata n Balls says:

    She sucks. Seriously look at her..killer body yes but one eye is looking one way and the other is looking in the opposite direction. FUGLY!

  9. Holy Cow says:

    which_is_worse_news (HeathLedger.isAlive = “false” || ScarleJohansson.isEngaged = “true”)

  10. Anonymous says:

    she has eyes??