It’s Monday, June 21st, which means summer has officially begun for us in the Northern Hemisphere. Soon, beaches and lakes across America will be loaded with greased-up douche bags that want to hit on your girlfriend and/or female family members, and you will realize that you will be powerless to stop them.
But that’s what the first day of summer means for you. For pagans, today is a joyous celebration of the longest day of the year. Millions of pagans above the equator are gathering together to view the sunrise and sunsets as their feeble, vegan bodies glisten with liberal smatterings of petuli oil.
To help you better understand how important the summer solstice is for pagans, we’ve managed to get our hands on the day planner of an industrious pagan named Daisy to examine the hectic schedule of someone that worships the sun.
5: 45 A.M.: Crawl out of VW Bus. Scavenge for berries. Collect morning dew for teeth brushing and rectal cleansing.
6:00 A.M.: Pick wild flowers. Put in hair.
6:15 A.M.: Wake up Flower, Honeysuckle, Pinecone and Dave. Tell them to hurry, the sun’s about to rise!
6:45 A.M.: Watch sun rise. Sacrifice goat. (NOTE: buy goat. Lamb chops will suffice)
7:00 A.M.: After sun rises, pray to dirt. Thank leaves.
7:15 A.M.: Get dressed. Go to work.
9:00 A.M.: Be in office no later than 9 on-the-dot! Kiss my potted plant. Make it an offering of a bagel and a Snickers from the break room vending machine.
10:30 A.M.: Try to convince Alex, my manager, to convert to Paganism. Hand him the “Paganism, Yay!”pamphlet, again. Be sure to mention such benefits as outdoor living, running through fields, fighting off bears when attempting to praise them for being Mighty Creatures of the Wood, and washing genitals in water supply of nearby town.
10:33 A.M.: Interpret Alex’s disdainful mutterings as sweet and sensual nothings whispered in to my ear
11:00 A.M.: Remind everyone I talk to on the phone that today is the day for offering praise to the sun – the bringer of life, the cleanser of souls, the Lord of Chaos.
12:30 P.M.: Lunch! Eat oats.
1:00 P.M.: Feel malnourished
1:10 P.M.: Eat more oats
2:15 P.M.: Look out window towards mid-day sun. Give the sun a sexy, knowing wink. Make the sun feel like I’m totally going to bang its brains out when I get home.
3:25 P.M.: Lie To Tell: “I’ll be back. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Truth: “I’m gonna go dance with a tree.”
3:27 P.M.: Makes sales calls. Draw henna pentagrams on arms, legs.
4:30 P.M.: Take my one greenish and unimpressive poop of the day. Pray that the poop morsels will eventually go on to fertilize a corn farm, or a basement marijuana nursery.
5:00 P.M.: Go home!
5:50 P.M.: Wake up Flower, Honeysuckle, Pinecone, and Dave from their post-hallucinogenic toad nap.
6:00 P.M.: Begin blood orgy.
6:45 P.M.: F*ck a goat. (NOTE: buy 2 goats. Lamb chops will suffice).
8:30 P.M.: Watch as sun sets while covered in all manner of bodily fluid, both human and goat.