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The Schedule Of A Pagan Celebrating The Solstice

It’s Monday, June 21st, which means summer has officially begun for us in the Northern Hemisphere. Soon, beaches and lakes across America will be loaded with greased-up douche bags that want to hit on your girlfriend and/or female family members, and you will realize that you will be powerless to stop them.
But that’s what the first day of summer means for you. For pagans, today is a joyous celebration of the longest day of the year. Millions of pagans above the equator are gathering together to view the sunrise and sunsets as their feeble, vegan bodies glisten with liberal smatterings of petuli oil.

To help you better understand how important the summer solstice is for pagans, we’ve managed to get our hands on the day planner of an industrious pagan named Daisy to examine the hectic schedule of someone that worships the sun.

5: 45 A.M.: Crawl out of VW Bus. Scavenge for berries. Collect morning dew for teeth brushing and rectal cleansing.
6:00 A.M.: Pick wild flowers. Put in hair.
6:15 A.M.: Wake up Flower, Honeysuckle, Pinecone and Dave. Tell them to hurry, the sun’s about to rise!

6:45 A.M.: Watch sun rise. Sacrifice goat. (NOTE: buy goat. Lamb chops will suffice)


7:00 A.M.: After sun rises, pray to dirt. Thank leaves.

7:15 A.M.: Get dressed. Go to work.
9:00 A.M.: Be in office no later than 9 on-the-dot! Kiss my potted plant. Make it an offering of a bagel and a Snickers from the break room vending machine.

10:30 A.M.: Try to convince Alex, my manager, to convert to Paganism. Hand him the “Paganism, Yay!”pamphlet, again. Be sure to mention such benefits as outdoor living, running through fields, fighting off bears when attempting to praise them for being Mighty Creatures of the Wood, and washing genitals in water supply of nearby town.
10:33 A.M.: Interpret Alex’s disdainful mutterings as sweet and sensual nothings whispered in to my ear

11:00 A.M.: Remind everyone I talk to on the phone that today is the day for offering praise to the sun – the bringer of life, the cleanser of souls, the Lord of Chaos.

12:30 P.M.: Lunch! Eat oats.

1:00 P.M.: Feel malnourished

1:10 P.M.: Eat more oats

2:15 P.M.: Look out window towards mid-day sun. Give the sun a sexy, knowing wink. Make the sun feel like I’m totally going to bang its brains out when I get home.
3:25 P.M.: Lie To Tell: “I’ll be back. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Truth: “I’m gonna go dance with a tree.”


3:27 P.M.: Makes sales calls. Draw henna pentagrams on arms, legs.

4:30 P.M.: Take my one greenish and unimpressive poop of the day. Pray that the poop morsels will eventually go on to fertilize a corn farm, or a basement marijuana nursery.

5:00 P.M.: Go home!

5:50 P.M.:  Wake up Flower, Honeysuckle, Pinecone, and Dave from their post-hallucinogenic toad nap.

6:00 P.M.: Begin blood orgy.

6:45 P.M.: F*ck a goat. (NOTE: buy 2 goats. Lamb chops will suffice).
8:30 P.M.: Watch as sun sets while covered in all manner of bodily fluid, both human and goat.

8 Responses to "The Schedule Of A Pagan Celebrating The Solstice"

  1. Flying Saucer says:

    9:00 Write check to the Democratic National Committee.
    9:10 Cut world class foul smelling fart that rivals body odor.
    9:11+ Enjoy benefits provided by everything I hate.

  2. hop-head says:

    Schedule of Evangelical Zombie Star Baby worshipper on said Alien star baby’s not even accurate 12/25 birthday: (douche bag christians)

    12:00A.M. Attend cult worship session. Guilt for not wanting to be there.

    1:00A.M. Return to house. Begrudgedly place expensive chinese plastic trinkets under christmas tree.

    1:10A.M. Wonder why the pagan tradition of adorning a tree on the celebration of a roman god (saturnalia) made it into your sacred holiday. oops. not supposed to think, musn’t question…….pray for 30 minutes for forgiveness.

    1:45A.M crawl into matching twin sized bed across from wife in matching twin sized bed.

    1:46A.M try to play naughty with the wife.

    1:50A.M. denial of boring christian missionary sex by wife, back to twin bed.

    1:55A.M Furiously let out religious sexual repression on mr winkie.

    1:56A.M. pray for forgiveness

    2:00AM-6:00AM sit awake in a cold sweat about the credit card debt accrued in seasonal acquisition of cheap chinese trinkets.

    6:00A.M awoken by privileged snot nosed brats, put on cheesy christmas sweater.

    6-7AM watch snot noses greedily rip open chinese trinket boxes

    7-12 Noon explain to snarky adolescent female snot nose why there are no mercedes keys in stocking.

    12-5:00P.M Do churchy boring family stuff and walk around like a pius, holier-than-thou dick…

    5:00P.M. indulge in a gluttonous gorging of food for several hours

    7:00-10:00P.M. watch “its a wonderful life”

    10:15P.M. drift off to sleep thinking about how much fun the dirty pagans are having on june 21st barbecuing and getting wasted in the sunlight until 10:30 at night and then drinking the night away and finishing it off with some wild, kinky, unabated sex with sexy strangers.

  3. BLACKY says:


  4. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Eh, had potential, but:


  5. hop-head says:

    i thought trolling had to include something about sex with animals, fat chicks or but sex with little boys ref. the guy below….

  6. BitchesOnMyDick says:

    1:00 PM – 5:00 Fuck and manhandle sweet little male butts.

    Im totally not gay but i love fucking your sweet butts.

  7. hop-head says:

    no, you’re just gay.

  8. orifice jerkoff says:

    Sweden still celebrates a version of summer solstice with less oats and more fermented oats. it’s good times.

    documentary to follow: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I5BGsK5ZAU