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Science Says Internet Hate Brings Us Together You Morons

You’re all a bunch of dumbass morons, do you know that? All of you Holy Taco readers are idiots — complete and total idiots. Every last one of you is a waste of your father’s man milk, and the time you spent in your mother’s uterus should have gotten you arrested for loitering!

Okay, so not really. But a couple of scientific researchers just proved that being hateful in an internet forum promotes togetherness, so you should all go choke on the nearest set of animal genitalia and die, you scum sucking weasel losers!

Some dumbass Slovenian scientist and his tea-drinking fruitcake British friend used a process called “sentiment analysis” to measure emotional content in posts on both BBC fourm boards and on the troll-tastic lair known as Digg. Sentiment Analysis uses its faggy math algorithms to search text for “keywords, emoticons, and subtle linguistic markers such as misspellings, and use the results to calculate a “happiness score’ for each post.

Their conclusion was that shorter comment threads aren’t nearly as emotional as longer comment threads, which is something any sister-f*cking, inbred hick could have told you. But they also noticed that in these long comment threads where people are getting angry, all of the angry people that agree with each other come together and seem to form social groups out of thin air , groups made of sad, pathetic dipshits that can’t stop sucking on their mom’s tits long enough to grow up and get a goddamn job.

“There is evidence that group cohesiveness may be related to negative feelings about others,” agrees Tom Buchanan, a psychologist at the University of Westminster in London. “Members of an online community might unite around a perceived attack on them or some aspect of their identity.”

One strange phenomenon the researchers discovered was how commenter’s spoke about aging rock stars: most commenters have a lot of a nice things to say about them, comparatively speaking. But to hell with that. The flute guy from Jethro Tull can suck it. So if in the comments section you want to feel a kinship with someone else out there, maybe a bunch of someone elses, then here’s a picture of the flute guy from Jethro Tull.

Funnel all of your rage in to tearing him a new asshole.

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