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Scooter the Cat Has No Nuts and Just So Much Attitude

Bob Barker taught us to get our pets spayed or neutered (spayed AND neutered if we rescued Fluffy from a mad scientist). But he’s been gone for years, and his message is weakening. It doesn’t help that his Price is Right replacement, Drew Carey, clearly gives no fucks about snipped babymakers, regularly speeding through the line as fast as he can because his contract doesn’t stipulate what tempo he has to say it at, only that he has to say it.

But it’s still an important message, one in need of a new champion. Finally, we have it. Meet Scooter, the funkiest nutless cat you will ever meet.

I just worry their message is too subtle.

A company called Give Them Ten (nine lives plus an extra one exclusive to furry eunuchs) wants to preach the joy of “gonad-free living” and are doing so with the hippest, coolest cat in the neighborhood. He wears shades, hangs his ID tag from a golden necklace, and sports the most happenin’ sensible sweater you will ever see.

And yes, that’s a ball joke. YAGEDDIT? Because he lost them, you see. Part of me feels that they cheesed this character up on purpose, knowing that the Internet would go completely ga-ga over the stupidity of it all. Because if they didn’t, then that means there are people on this planet who can write and sing “hip spectacles, no testicles” with a straight face and a clean mind. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to know those people.

Scooter even has a Twitter, and his grammar is probably better than yours. Shockingly (and tragically), not many of his tweets are nut jokes. Mostly it’s him reaching out to various celebrities (both human and feline) or commenting on current events, always while extolling the wonderful life of a childless kitty. Sometimes it’s clever, other times it’s a bit of a stretch.

“You can sniff an unneutered cat’s balls. You can bring them in, you can do whatever you want. The little I ask you is not to bring them to my games.”

Whether this campaign will work to reduce the pet population, or simply come and go the second assholes like me stop mocking it, only time will tell. Scooter certainly has legs: aside from Garfield, Heathcliff, Crookshanks, Tony the Tiger, Chester Cheetah, Puss in Boots, Mr. Bigglesworth, Felix, Tom, Catbert, Grumpy Cat, Pink Panther, Josie and the Pussycats, and Cool Cat, he might be the coolest cat in history. Perhaps a Price is Right cameo will help extend his shelf life, though you’ll probably have to get Drew nice and drunk first.

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