If you’ve been following our search engine exploits recently, you’ll know that this game has a tendency to drift in to the absurd, and sometimes, in to the criminally insane. Today’s round of gaming is no different.
If you don’t know how this works, allow us to explain: first, you get yourself a random word from a random word generator. Then, you get yourself a couple of words from a random curse word generator. You mash the two together, plug them in to a Google search bar, turn off Safe Search, then immediately drown your eyes in holy water, because that’s the only way to rid yourself of the horrible sights and words that have been imprinted on your brain jelly.
The results break down in to two categories: The Sites (in which we focus on one horrible website and its disturbing contents), and The Sights (in which we use the words in a Google image search to find things that make us regret ever thinking of this stupid idea).
Today’s random mash-up of words is “Vacuum Penis Clown”
Let’s see what we get…
Buried somewhere in the middle of a bunch of links about penis pumps was a link to a story on some random dude’s blog about Derek The Abstinence Clown. Apparently, the Bush administration felt kids needed to know about the dangers of premarital sex, so they tossed a bunch of money in to abstinence-only programs. To make a long story short, Derek The Abstinence Clown is a federally subsidized clown that juggles some pins, balances a chair on his face, and then shows you pictures of abortions. If anyone out there is wondering what the government can do to slash some of its budget, a clown (that doesn’t even wear face paint, probably so kids will take him seriously) that tells you not to bang while pulling an never-ending chain of handkerchiefs out of his mouth is probably a good place to start.
As a performer, Derek is pretty awful. His act is basically a thinly cloaked Christian conservative, Tony Robbins-style motivational seminar sprinkled with tricks that some dogs on Youtube have been known to perform better and with more zazz.
It’s all fairly dull and highly stupid…but then, at the 3 minute and 41 second mark, shit gets hardcore. As the energetic and inspirational techno music kicks in, Derek amps up the urgency in his voice and emphatically tells you about the risk of rejection that comes along with trying to achieve your dreams. Then he juggles big sticks. THREE OF THEM! TAKING RISK TO THE MAX!
After that, he likens “risk” (code for sex before marriage) to juggling machetes over a kid lying down on the floor. He tries to make a point by stating that no matter how much he practices juggling machetes over a kid, the risk is just too great. The only way to ensure that the kid won’t get impaled by a Machete of Purity is if he abstains from ever even attempting to juggle machetes over a kid; thus proving that Derek will never have a theater built for him in Vegas, where you can catch his show 7 days a week – each show ending only minutes before the adjacent buffet opens.
We’d love to embed the video, but Derek has pulled the video off of Break and Youtube. The best we can do is offer this link.
This is the only picture we could show you because apparently if you turn off Safe Search and search the words “Vacuum Penis Clown,” you are entering a secret code word that unlocks all of the most deplorable images the internet has to offer, most of which are a disturbing combination of porno and nightmares. Here’s a quick summation of some of the most terrible things we saw:
• A simple, step-by-step diagram explaining how a penis can very easily be turned in to a vagina.
• A penis that’s been split down the middle
• A highly detailed painting of an anime-inspired naked girl getting attacked by a nightmarish penis monster that seems to be drooling. Also, the monster has tentacles.
• A women with crossed eyes biting a limp penis, almost as if she has a severe mental deficiency that makes her eat a hot dog by taking a bite from the middle instead of from the ends like a normal person.
• A clown having sex with a woman that’s trapped in a bubble. Yeah, you didn’t misread that.
• The widest butthole ever
• A hairy monster covered in no less than 60 dildos. We’re going to call this monster “The Dildonian”
• Lizard penis
• An anthropomorphic, claymation penis with drowsy eyes and snot running down its nose.
• Lots of Insane Clown Posse stuff
• Otto blowing Milhouse
• A man having sex with a vacuum cleaner that has googly eyes