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In Search of the Giant Squid

giant squid

Scientificians are constantly working in laboratories and gymnasiums to come up with new and exciting products and monsters. Whether it be paint that nothing sticks to (and brother, I mean nothing) or cloned super cats that can do math and grow human kidneys, science is on the move. Yay science and/or affronts to the Lord!

Anyway, that intro paragraph was mostly irrelevant. But what is relevant is science and its quest for the Kraken. Turns out Australians, who must literally have nothing else to do, sent down some kind of watery Hubble to see what the world looks like 5,000 feet below the ocean’s surface. I would have guessed dark and full of ugly ass fish, and it turns out I could be a marine biologist because word up, there’s some ugly ass fish down there.

Everyone involved was stoked about discovering all manner of new fish and shit and probably that’s great but it avoids the two major questions any reasonable man should have after reading this set up – where is the big ass squid and are these new fish delicious?


Wikipedia, which teaches me everything I need to know and is about as useful as 6 years of public schooling, tells me that a giant squid can grow up to 43 feet long, which is officially 10 feet longer than is necessary to destroy humanity or rip a bus in half and hurl it through a school or a crowded shopping mall. Compare this to the lame angler fish they actually found and frankly, science has let us down like it has so many times before. The moon landing, rocket cars, jet packs, all checks that science’s ass couldn’t cash.

If science wants to be as awesome as it’s clearly pretending it is, then science needs to step up the game and actually catch a giant squid. And in making that statement I am, of course, not acknowledging the ones that have been seen and caught, and instead am simply choosing to pretend they’re mostly like what Johnny Depp showed us in Pirates of the Caribbean 2, easily one of the four best pirate movies Johnny Depp has ever starred in. How is science going to catch such a beast? Put on your reading goggles, science, you’re about to get schooled.

A Dish Best Served Cold


The best way to hunt a giant sea beast is to make it personal. Odds are you’ve never run afoul of a giant squid, science, but start thinking like you have. If you need inspiration, here’s a few potential scenarios;

The squid banged your wife
The squid destroyed your boat and bit your leg
The squid banged your wife’s leg and bit your boat

Now that you’re driven by rage and hatred, you’ll be more motivated to actually catch that big ass squid. Be wary though, it’s probably possessed of a preternatural intelligence and may actually chase your family all the way to Sea World and/or the Caribbean if you’re not careful. Lucky for you that brings you back onto Johnny Depp’s turf.

Think Outside the Box

 squid box

Squid are probably caught with nets usually. Or maybe really cool robot sperm whales. But that’s how little shit squid that end up as deep fried shrimp rings get caught. Giant squid have giant brains and will see through your paltry attempts to wrangle them. Have you seen how big a squid’s eyes are? They see all kinds of shit you haven’t even suspected.

In order to outsmart a sea monster, you should try something novel and unexpected. Train another Kraken to hunt for you. We’re sort of stealing that from Pirates as well. This is no stupider than telling a hobo that they need to spend money to make money. But that aside, make sure the Kraken you already have is pretty big, just in case the other one kicks its ass and your Kraken gets the reputation of being a pussy. Odds are all kinds of squid will go out of their way to humiliate him after that, if that’s the case.

Squid Sex

squid sex

If you’ve ever hunted college students for sport, you know that sex is one of the most effective lures you have in your arsenal. Has science ever hunted college kids? Probably, but it probably didn’t use ass to do it. More likely it used some bullshit like a sociology professor offering bonus marks on a midterm and in exchange all they had to do was eradicate some Jewish families and in the end it was all passed off as a “thought experiment.” Whatever. Point is, tits would have worked better.

Big squid probably want big booty. Lest we just turn this into the last entry and suggest you slap some lipstick on your kraken and maybe a fake pair of tentacle boobs to pull in some other squid, we’ll discount that idea right away an instead suggest an inflatable Rosie O Donnell or maybe the bloated corpse of Andrew McCarthy’s career. Remember him? Not if you’re under 25. Point is it’s big and waterlogged and probably pretty goddamn sexy to a giant, horny cephalopod.

Shift Gears

If none of these other approaches work, and they won’t, it may behoove you to abandon your pursuit of shit that lives 5,000 feet below where anyone is ever going to go and instead focus on those f*cking jetpacks. Get your shit in order, science.

4 Responses to "In Search of the Giant Squid"

  1. a dude... says:

    lol nice article did laugh a bit,clearly ur makin progress on funniness,n yah science should totally focus on jetpacks!

  2. WAT. says:

    I love your articles. But they’re too short. More length please (Obligatory that’s what she said).

  3. BABYjesusANDtheORPHANS says:

    enjoyed the article, but the agree with the length issue.
    and HOVERBOARDS. not jetpacks, hoverboards are way cooler, christ get your priorities right. and lazerbeams.

  4. Mexican Jesus says:

    Suck it Taco!the