The internet is full of wonderful, time consuming jems. But we’re willing to go out on a limb here and say that few of those internet jems are as bright and shiny as the one we’re about to present to you.
You see, there’s this wonderful searchable database brought to us by the Florida newspaper The Sun Sentinel. The database goes by the name of (takes a deep breath) The Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (gasps for air). That’s just a big word for a bunch of data collected from American emergency rooms up to 2008. Specifically, the data is about injuries caused by regular, everyday products – or “consumer products.”
These injuries are not the result of a product going haywire and hurting someone. These are injuries brought on by the patient and their misuse of the product. Now, this is usually the time where we turn the article in to a big joke as we poke some fun at the idea of whatever it is we’re talking about.
Not today.
Today, we’re going to sit back, relax, and let the search engine write the jokes for us. Everything you’re about to read came directly from the search engine…
Treatment date: 11/20/2008
Age: 31
Sex: Male
Race: White
Narrative: PT WAS PLAYING SEX GAMES WITH WIFE HAD BELT AROUND NECK, JUMPED OVER SOMETHING AND GOT HUNG UP,ALSO FELL DOWN STAIRS DX: TRAUM ARREST
Treatment date: 4/20/2008
Age: 6
Sex: Male
Race: Not Stated
Narrative: HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS
Treatment date 5/4/2008
Age 21
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative FELL ON BEER BOTTLE/RECTAL LAC
Treatment date 5/23/2008
Age 6
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative C/O TESTICULAR PAIN AFTER FALLING FROM BAR STOOL. DX-CONTUSION SCROTUM.
Treatment date 5/4/2008
Age 34
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative +ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA,BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC (Translation: She was playing the guitar naked, then tripped, and got a beer bottle lodged in her cooter).
Treatment date 3/10/2008
Age 31
Sex Female
Race Black
Narrative BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL
Treatment date 4/21/2008
Age 85
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative PT STATES WAS HAVING A BAD DREAM AND GOT UP OUT OF BED FELL INTO A TRASH CAN
Treatment date: 6/15/2008
Age: 13
Sex: Female
Race: White
Narrative: 2 BATTERIES, WATCH SIDE, STUCK ON SKIN IN VAGINA, BEEN THERE 1 WEEK. DX-FOREIGN BODY VAGINA.
Treatment date: 8/10/2008
Age: 14 months
Sex: Female
Race: Not Stated
Narrative: PT CRAWLED UNDER THE BED OF A HOTEL ROOM AND CAME OUT WITH A VIBRATOR IN MOUTH POSSIBLE STD EXPOSURE.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
See photo of the day for reenactment of position, unless it was another girl’s necklace… in case.. OUUU YEEAAHH. Giggity giggity!
Age: 29 – 29 YEARS
Sex: 2 – FEMALE
WHITE Race Other:
Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION Diag Other:
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Location: 1 – HOME
Products: 1616 – JEWELRY
Narrative: PT’S CLITORIS PIERCING RING GOT CAUGHT ON NECKLACE AND WAS RIPPED OUT. DX: CLITORAL LAC.
Treatment date 12/31/2008
Age 15
Sex Female
Race Black
Narrative HORSING AROUND W/ A FRIEND IN THE SHED CUT ARM ON A MACHETTE LACERATION LEFT FOREARM
Gem is spelled with a g. I know, I know, I’m that guy. It’s an OCD thing.
That was hilarious!!!!
LINK TO THE NEISS DATABASE DOESN’T WORK THOUGH, THIS IS THE ONE YOU WANNA GO TO, THEN CLICK BEGIN SEARCH:
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/health/sfl-database-neiss,0,6153651.htmlstory
Yer welcome!
Forget the previous link, too many connections on it.
Go here instead. It’s the official NEISS site: http://www.cpsc.gov/library/neiss.html
Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
Sex: 1 – MALE
Race: 1 – WHITE
Diagnosis: 53 – CONTUSION OR ABRASION
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Disposition: 6 – ((((((LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN))))))
Location: 1 – HOME
Products: 649 – TOILETS
Narrative: PT HAD THE TOILET SEAT FALL ONTO PENIS SUSTAINED A CONTUSION TO PENIS
Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
Sex: 2 – FEMALE
Race: 1 – WHITE
Diagnosis: 56 – FOREIGN BODY
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Disposition: 6 – (((((((LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN))))))))
Products: 5010 – CRAYONS OR CHALK
Narrative: PT TOLD MOM ANOTHER SAME AGE GIRL STUCK A CRAYON IN HER “COOTER” YESTER DAY; LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN
Weight: 62.061
Age: 44 – 44 YEARS
Sex: 1 – MALE
Race: 2 – BLACK/AFRICAN AMERICAN
Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Disposition: 1 – TREATED & RELEASED, OR EXAMINED & RELEASED WITHOUT TRTMNT
Location: 1 – HOME
Products: 1667 – RAZORS OR SHAVERS, NOT SPECIFIED
Narrative: 44 Y O M SHAVING PRIVATE AREA CUT SELF STAB WOUND SCROTUM AND TESTES
This kid tried to inflate his pecker with a bicycle needle, but not just any needle… a SHARPENED NEEDLE!!!!
Age: 16 – 16 YEARS
Sex: 1 – MALE
Race: 0 – N.S.
Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Disposition: 4 – TREATED & ADMITTED FOR HOSPITALIZATION, HOSPITALIZED
Products: 5040 – BICYCLES AND ACCESSORIES, (EXCL.MOUNTAIN OR ALL-TERRAIN)
Narrative: PATIENT SHARPENED A BICYCLE NEEDLE & INJECTED AIR INTO PENIS, C/O DISCOMFORT WHEN HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH. DX – PUNCTURE-LT SCROTUM
This one is stright out of a Something About Mary, except it takes place in the zipper of an old chap!
Age: 60 – 60 YEARS Sex: 1 – MALE Race: 2 – BLACK/AFRICAN AMERICAN Race Other:
Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE Diag Other:
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Disposition: 1 – TREATED & RELEASED, OR EXAMINED & RELEASED WITHOUT TRTMNT
Location: 0 – UNKNOWN Fire Involvement: 0 – NO FIRE OR NO FLAME/SMOKE SPREAD
Products: 1645 – DAY WEAR
Narrative: 60 YOM C/O PENILE PAIN GOT PANTS ZIPPER CAUGHT IN PENIS. DX-PUNCTURE WOUND PENIS.
Aww kids do the darnest things!!
Age: 5 – 5 YEARS
Sex: 1 – MALE
Race: 3 – OTHER
Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Products: 1659 – ((((((MANICURING DEVICES)))))), 611 – BATHTUBS OR SHOWERS
Narrative: PATIENT UNCIRCUMSIZED W/EXCESS FORESKIN TISSUE, DAD FOUND IN BATHTUB W/ SET OF TWEEZERS BLEEDING FROM TIP OF PENIS; PENILE LAC., FORESK FISSURE
Here’s a typical injury on a girl falling off a swing, no big deal there. My only concern here is that the person that typed this up was most likely a pervy dude using the unprofessional jargon… “blood in panties”. What the duck?! What’s the doctor gonna do with that piece of info? Give her parents some tips on how to get blood stains off the fabric? c’mon! We already stablished in diagnosis 59 that is was a laceration!
Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
Sex: 2 – FEMALE
Race: 1 – WHITE
Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Location: 8 – SCHOOL
Products: 3246 – SWINGS OR SWING SETS
Narrative: CHILD FELL OFF SWING AT SCHOOL AND LANDED ON SWING WITH VAGINAL AREA. B LOOD IN PANTIES. D::LABIAL LACERATION.
We all saw this one coming! It was all a matter of minutes before I found one on “massage devices”.
Age: 49 – 49 YEARS
Sex: 2 – FEMALE
Race: 0 – N.S.
Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
Location: 1 – HOME
Products: MASSAGE DEVICES OR VIBRATORS
Narrative: LACERATION VAGINA – 49 YO FEMALE CO LACERATION OF HER VAGINA – SHE PLAC ED A LARGE DILDO IN LAST NIGHT AND HAD BLEEDING SHORTLY AFTER