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Searching the NEISS Database is Awesome

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The internet is full of wonderful, time consuming jems. But we’re willing to go out on a limb here and say that few of those internet jems are as bright and shiny as the one we’re about to present to you.

You see, there’s this wonderful searchable database brought to us by the Florida newspaper The Sun Sentinel. The database goes by the name of (takes a deep breath) The Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (gasps for air). That’s just a big word for a bunch of data collected from American emergency rooms up to 2008. Specifically, the data is about injuries caused by regular, everyday products – or “consumer products.”

These injuries are not the result of a product going haywire and hurting someone. These are injuries brought on by the patient and their misuse of the product. Now, this is usually the time where we turn the article in to a big joke as we poke some fun at the idea of whatever it is we’re talking about.

Not today.

Today, we’re going to sit back, relax, and let the search engine write the jokes for us. Everything you’re about to read came directly from the search engine…

 

Treatment date: 11/20/2008
Age: 31
Sex: Male
Race: White
Narrative: PT WAS PLAYING SEX GAMES WITH WIFE HAD BELT AROUND NECK, JUMPED OVER SOMETHING AND GOT HUNG UP,ALSO FELL DOWN STAIRS DX: TRAUM ARREST

Treatment date: 4/20/2008

Age: 6

Sex: Male

Race: Not Stated

Narrative: HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS

Treatment date 5/4/2008
Age 21
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative FELL ON BEER BOTTLE/RECTAL LAC

Treatment date 5/23/2008
Age 6
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative C/O TESTICULAR PAIN AFTER FALLING FROM BAR STOOL. DX-CONTUSION SCROTUM.

Treatment date 5/4/2008
Age 34
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative +ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA,BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC (Translation: She was playing the guitar naked, then tripped, and got a beer bottle lodged in her cooter).

Treatment date 3/10/2008
Age 31
Sex Female
Race Black
Narrative BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL

Treatment date 4/21/2008
Age 85
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative PT STATES WAS HAVING A BAD DREAM AND GOT UP OUT OF BED FELL INTO A TRASH CAN

Treatment date: 6/15/2008

Age: 13

Sex: Female

Race: White

Narrative: 2 BATTERIES, WATCH SIDE, STUCK ON SKIN IN VAGINA, BEEN THERE 1 WEEK. DX-FOREIGN BODY VAGINA.

Treatment date: 8/10/2008

Age: 14 months

Sex: Female

Race: Not Stated

Narrative: PT CRAWLED UNDER THE BED OF A HOTEL ROOM AND CAME OUT WITH A VIBRATOR IN MOUTH POSSIBLE STD EXPOSURE.

 
If you use the database and find any good injuries, past them in the comments.
 

13 Responses to "Searching the NEISS Database is Awesome"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    See photo of the day for reenactment of position, unless it was another girl’s necklace… in case.. OUUU YEEAAHH. Giggity giggity!

    Age: 29 – 29 YEARS
    Sex: 2 – FEMALE
    WHITE Race Other:
    Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION Diag Other:
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Location: 1 – HOME
    Products: 1616 – JEWELRY
    Narrative: PT’S CLITORIS PIERCING RING GOT CAUGHT ON NECKLACE AND WAS RIPPED OUT. DX: CLITORAL LAC.

  2. Annonymous says:

    Treatment date 12/31/2008
    Age 15
    Sex Female
    Race Black
    Narrative HORSING AROUND W/ A FRIEND IN THE SHED CUT ARM ON A MACHETTE LACERATION LEFT FOREARM

  3. touch says:

    Gem is spelled with a g. I know, I know, I’m that guy. It’s an OCD thing.

  4. DonkeyXote says:

    That was hilarious!!!!

    LINK TO THE NEISS DATABASE DOESN’T WORK THOUGH, THIS IS THE ONE YOU WANNA GO TO, THEN CLICK BEGIN SEARCH:

    http://www.sun-sentinel.com/health/sfl-database-neiss,0,6153651.htmlstory

    Yer welcome!

  5. DonkeyXote says:

    Forget the previous link, too many connections on it.

    Go here instead. It’s the official NEISS site: http://www.cpsc.gov/library/neiss.html

  6. DonkeyXote says:

    Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
    Sex: 1 – MALE
    Race: 1 – WHITE
    Diagnosis: 53 – CONTUSION OR ABRASION
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Disposition: 6 – ((((((LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN))))))
    Location: 1 – HOME
    Products: 649 – TOILETS

    Narrative: PT HAD THE TOILET SEAT FALL ONTO PENIS SUSTAINED A CONTUSION TO PENIS

  7. DonkeyXote says:

    Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
    Sex: 2 – FEMALE
    Race: 1 – WHITE
    Diagnosis: 56 – FOREIGN BODY
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Disposition: 6 – (((((((LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN))))))))
    Products: 5010 – CRAYONS OR CHALK

    Narrative: PT TOLD MOM ANOTHER SAME AGE GIRL STUCK A CRAYON IN HER “COOTER” YESTER DAY; LEFT WITHOUT BEING SEEN

  8. DonkeyXote says:

    Weight: 62.061
    Age: 44 – 44 YEARS
    Sex: 1 – MALE
    Race: 2 – BLACK/AFRICAN AMERICAN
    Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Disposition: 1 – TREATED & RELEASED, OR EXAMINED & RELEASED WITHOUT TRTMNT
    Location: 1 – HOME
    Products: 1667 – RAZORS OR SHAVERS, NOT SPECIFIED

    Narrative: 44 Y O M SHAVING PRIVATE AREA CUT SELF STAB WOUND SCROTUM AND TESTES

  9. DonkeyXote says:

    This kid tried to inflate his pecker with a bicycle needle, but not just any needle… a SHARPENED NEEDLE!!!!

    Age: 16 – 16 YEARS
    Sex: 1 – MALE
    Race: 0 – N.S.
    Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Disposition: 4 – TREATED & ADMITTED FOR HOSPITALIZATION, HOSPITALIZED
    Products: 5040 – BICYCLES AND ACCESSORIES, (EXCL.MOUNTAIN OR ALL-TERRAIN)

    Narrative: PATIENT SHARPENED A BICYCLE NEEDLE & INJECTED AIR INTO PENIS, C/O DISCOMFORT WHEN HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH. DX – PUNCTURE-LT SCROTUM

  10. DonkeyXote says:

    This one is stright out of a Something About Mary, except it takes place in the zipper of an old chap!

    Age: 60 – 60 YEARS Sex: 1 – MALE Race: 2 – BLACK/AFRICAN AMERICAN Race Other:
    Diagnosis: 63 – PUNCTURE Diag Other:
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Disposition: 1 – TREATED & RELEASED, OR EXAMINED & RELEASED WITHOUT TRTMNT
    Location: 0 – UNKNOWN Fire Involvement: 0 – NO FIRE OR NO FLAME/SMOKE SPREAD
    Products: 1645 – DAY WEAR
    Narrative: 60 YOM C/O PENILE PAIN GOT PANTS ZIPPER CAUGHT IN PENIS. DX-PUNCTURE WOUND PENIS.

  11. DonkeyXote says:

    Aww kids do the darnest things!!

    Age: 5 – 5 YEARS
    Sex: 1 – MALE
    Race: 3 – OTHER
    Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Products: 1659 – ((((((MANICURING DEVICES)))))), 611 – BATHTUBS OR SHOWERS

    Narrative: PATIENT UNCIRCUMSIZED W/EXCESS FORESKIN TISSUE, DAD FOUND IN BATHTUB W/ SET OF TWEEZERS BLEEDING FROM TIP OF PENIS; PENILE LAC., FORESK FISSURE

  12. DonkeyXote says:

    Here’s a typical injury on a girl falling off a swing, no big deal there. My only concern here is that the person that typed this up was most likely a pervy dude using the unprofessional jargon… “blood in panties”. What the duck?! What’s the doctor gonna do with that piece of info? Give her parents some tips on how to get blood stains off the fabric? c’mon! We already stablished in diagnosis 59 that is was a laceration!

    Age: 3 – 3 YEARS
    Sex: 2 – FEMALE
    Race: 1 – WHITE
    Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Location: 8 – SCHOOL
    Products: 3246 – SWINGS OR SWING SETS

    Narrative: CHILD FELL OFF SWING AT SCHOOL AND LANDED ON SWING WITH VAGINAL AREA. B LOOD IN PANTIES. D::LABIAL LACERATION.

  13. DonkeyXote says:

    We all saw this one coming! It was all a matter of minutes before I found one on “massage devices”.

    Age: 49 – 49 YEARS
    Sex: 2 – FEMALE
    Race: 0 – N.S.
    Diagnosis: 59 – LACERATION
    Body Part: 38 – PUBIC REGION
    Location: 1 – HOME
    Products: MASSAGE DEVICES OR VIBRATORS

    Narrative: LACERATION VAGINA – 49 YO FEMALE CO LACERATION OF HER VAGINA – SHE PLAC ED A LARGE DILDO IN LAST NIGHT AND HAD BLEEDING SHORTLY AFTER