Self-Driving Cars, Facial Recognition and Alligator Chickens: The Future Is Terrifying!

I’m all for advances in science and technology. Not afraid of moving forward! However, at some point, we should probably be taking a step back and reviewing those advances, and maybe asking ourselves “Will Alligator-Chickens in anyway improve our society?”

Alligator-chickens are, unfortunately, just one of the many “scientific advances” that have made headlines in the past few months. Things like Google’s self-driving car and some seriously accurate facial recognition software are also scaring the crap out of me.

Google’s got a self-driving car. Did you know that? Are you afraid of that? I am. Google maps only gets me to my proper destination about 80% of the time. My own brain and ability to asses a situation cover that other 20% and prevent me from ending up somewhere where I’m very likely to get carjacked. If that’s the case for their map applications, I can only imagine what kind of mishaps will occur when you make the sorry mistake of getting in the passenger seat of a Google-driven car. “Did you mean ‘go east on Bedford Avenue?’”

“No Google car, I did not!”

“Well that’s too bad, because GOOGLE IS DRIVING! Don’t touch the radio!” *Crash*Boom*Die*

You can’t can’t stop the future from coming, you can only scream “I told you so!” at the casualties.

It takes most people four years of college, one bad relationship and a homosexual experience to figure out who they are, but this new facial-recognition software can answer that question in less than three seconds! Thanks to all of those photos of you that are automatically tagged on facebook, this software can compare an image of you with whatever it finds online and figure out who you are in an instant! Big Brother is not only watching, but it’s checking out your photos, finding out where you work, and seeing if you’re still in a relationship. Big Brother is stalking you. It’s in love with you. It’s sending flowers to your job.

And finally, back to the Alligator-chickens. Scientists have basically reverse-engineered modern chicken DNA (the DNA that I assume is responsible for deliciously modern Chicken McNuggets) and they’ve taken chickens back a few steps in evolution. They’ve given chickens alligator-like snouts, which is apparently what they used to have. True, it’s only by understanding the past that we can make the future better, but we’re dealing with some monster-movie shit here. Once the reverse evolution process is “perfected,” we’ll inevitably try it out on humans. Which means we’ll engineer a super-strong neanderthal man who will obviously burst out of the lab, find his female counterpart, run off with her in a Google car and nobody will be able to catch them because they won’t have any photos up on facebook.