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Sequelectric! Crafting 8 Perfect Sequels

Here’s a little pertinent movie trivia for you: according to Box Office Mojo, the top 9 movies of 2011 were all sequels.  This clearly indicates that all people want to see is a story they already saw once, but in a slightly different way.  It takes too much time to invest in new characters, who needs that?  Show me Tom Cruise missioning in an impossible way again, that’s what we need.  Apparently.  Knowing this, we may as well start working on some older films that are in need of the sequel treatment to see if we can’t drum up that sweet sequel cash.  So sweet.

Citizen Kane 2

We open on the burned remains of Xanadu.  A scruffy transient searches the rubble of the once great home of Charles Foster Kane looking for anything worth a buck.   It is believed all the valuables were taken away, but were they?

Kicking a pile of refuse aside, the transient uncovers something wooden.  It is charred and black but the word “Rose” is plainly visible.  It is Kane’s sled, somehow intact after the blaze.  What otherworldly power kept it in one piece?

As the transient reaches out to touch the sled, an arc of misty green energy leaps from the sled into his body.  The transient screams and writhes in agony.  His body absorbs the energy and he goes limp.  Suddenly he rises, his eyes mysterious and green.  He smiles and utters a single word – “Rosebud.”

This summer, Charles Foster Kane has returned.  For revenge!

14 (alternate title, Se7en 2)

John Doe is dead.  Detective Mills is imprisoned.  And Somerset, disturbed by the ordeal, has retired to a quiet life outside the city where he can forget the horror of his final case.  Until one day, he gets a letter in the mail.  The letter, on plain white paper, with no return address, is one simple word – Temperance.

Somerset pays it no mind, tossing it aside, but later that day he receives a call from his former Captain .  There’s been a murder, and it’s all too familiar.  Somerset reluctantly agrees to do his old friend a favor but what he finds disturbs him to the core – a murder victim, the word Temperance scrawled on the wall, and familiar clues leading him down a horrible path.

On May 13th, forget the seven deadly sins and brace yourself for the Seven Heavenly Virtues!

Fight Club Again

Tyler Durden is dead and the Narrator and Marla have watched his destructive plan come to fruition.  With everyone in on Project Mayhem the Narrator, whom everyone believes is Tyler, is free to move on and try to hash out some kind of life with Marla.

Trying to stay low key and off the radar, they get a cheap apartment in a ghetto part of town and the Narrator continues making soap while Marla continues to go to her meetings.  Until one day the Narrator heads out on a soap run and meets a sassy, black maid named Matilda who also makes her own soap and is trying to stake her claim in the Narrator’s world, undercutting his business.  And things really get zany when you start to wonder…is Matilda even real?!?

This summer, get ready to fall in love with Fight Club…Again!

Pulp Fictioner

Butch is on the road on Zed’s chopper, following the instructions of Marcellus Wallace to leave town and never return.  Taking back roads just to be safe he runs out of gas on a lonely stretch of Nevada highway.  As the sun sets and Butch and Fabienne wander in search of gas, it becomes apparent that they’re not the only ones on this back country road.

Fighting for their life against a band of ravenous hillbillys across the desert all seems lost until one man wanders from the dust to set things right – Jules.

If you thought you knew Pulp Fiction, you don’t know nothin’ yet!  It’s Pulp Fictioner!

Braveheart 2

Martyred by the English, William Wallace’s body was cut to pieces and spread across the country as a warning to others.  But while his countrymen rose up in defiance what no one expected was a team of Scottish scientists from the year 2525 who travel back in time and, amidst the turmoil, steal Wallace’s left hand.  Using the precious genetic material it contains, in their own time, the scientists create a nearly unstoppable army of cybernetic clones, dubbed Wallacebots, in an attempt to turn the tides of the terrible world war that threatens to destroy the very Earth itself under the heel of the tyrannical Swiss Army, the future’s most deadly enemy.  But what happens when the cure is more terrible than the disease and the Wallacebots can’t be shut down?

This summer, cry Freedom.  Cry for mercy!

Upper

Carl Frederickson fulfilled his promise to his love Ellie and made it to Paradise Falls, but also became a surrogate grandfather to young Russell.  Now Russell’s older and in with a bad crowd while Carl is getter older and more frail.  One day, while looking for his medication, Carl accidentally takes some pills that Russell had been pressured into taking by local hooligans.  Suddenly, Carl is on a brand new trip inside his own head as a crazy mix of E and uppers takes him further than helium balloons ever could.  Can Russell find a way to save his old friend before his heart gives out?  Find out this summer, in Upper!

The Seventh Sense

Dr. Malcolm Crowe has finally realized he’s dead.  After saying goodbye to his wife he’s ready to move on from this world.  Or is he?  Nothing happens after he leaves his home and Crowe slowly begins to realize not only is he stuck here, but he’s dead and can be seen by no one but Cole.  Briefly gripped by panic, Crowe suddenly has a revelation – he’s finally free to live as he’s always wanted!

This summer, join Bruce Willis as he lets loose as only a repressed therapist ghost’s can!  Featuring Cedric the Entertainer as Jerry the Ghost and a soundtrack by Smash Mouth, the Seventh Sense will have you rolling in the aisles and dying from laughter!

Things

Macready and Childs share a bottle of whiskey as the snow falls and the compound burns.  The next morning, a team from a Brazilian research station arrive and finds the two survivors, nearly dead from exposure.  They are transported back to their base and quickly put on a boat to the mainland, South America.

Childs and Macready both awaken in a hospital room in Sao Paolo, each terrified of what the other may have done.  Or are they?

Watch as hijinks ensue as Macready chases Childs and Childs chases Macready in order to stop the impending threat of a worldwide epidemic of things only to discover they were both the Thing all along!  Zoinks!

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