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Seven of the Most Embarrassing Politicians in Modern History (Besides Rob Ford)

(On the bright side, Rob Ford has made crack-smoking seem less glamorous.)

By Dustin Seibert

Talk to a Toronto native and I’m sure you’ll get an earful of frustration regarding the city’s international high profile thanks to its mayor, Rob Ford.

It’s the stuff late-night comedy is made of: Dude resembles Tommy Boy if he lived to 2014 and he never bothered to take on any real degree of responsibility, living in a cloud of slack-jawed stupidity and never committing to anything outside of substance abuse and poutine with extra gravy. Having been filmed smoking crack again, Ford (just now) decided to take time to visit rehab. The funny thing, however, is that he plans to run for mayor again in the next election. Right. If the people of Toronto elect an incumbent who was caught on video — twice — doing something that would’ve got him shitcanned from a stocking job at K-Mart to run the most important city in Canada, we should just invade the city and turn it into U.S. territory.

Sadly, Ford is far from the only politician busted doing cosmically stupid shit presumably under a shroud of power that makes them think they can’t be touched. They always get caught sooner or later, and we always wonder what the hell they were thinking. Never fails.

Marion Barry – The crack-smoking predecessor to Rob Ford and proof that Washington D.C. must be chock-full of troglodytes, Barry clearly had his IDGAF hat on when he decided to run for Washington D.C. city council and mayor of the district for a second time after getting caught smoking crack on an FBI sting tape and eventually doing six months at Club Fed. The crazy part…? He was elected again. And here I thought being a convicted felon excluded most people from leading a city that doubles as the home of the leader of the free world. The best result of this whole thing was a fantastic, now legendary Chris Rock routine.

Elliot Spitzer – So, you’re governor of the state with the largest city in the union and the western world’s financial epicenter, and you operate under the premise that you can get away with anything because people are just gonna keep their mouths closed. Nope. He spent years kicking out tens of thousands of dollars to a high-level escort service and the feds spent much of that time watching him break stupid. The irony is the fact that Spitzer was behind the breakup of many prostitution rings and he promised “ethics and integrity” in his administration — never mind the fact that he was, you know, married and all. He resigned and has since miraculously made a career as a television pundit that people are expected to take seriously.

Kwame Kilpatrick – Once my hometown of Detroit’s young pride and joy, Kwame was the man in the early aughts. Problem is, all that respect and power got to his pointy noggin, and he went on a profligate spending and extortion spree, which was partly to blame for the historical bankruptcy of the city. Tack on the covered-up mansion party that led to a dead hooker and a very public text-message-heavy affair, and he had no choice but to resign. But the feds weren’t done with his ass, which is why he’s currently rotting away in prison. Hoverboards will totally exist the next time this dude sees the light of day.

Mark Sanford – It’s been said by many wise people that only some quality, high-grade Argentinian pussy can make you dip out of the country and leave your wife, your job and kids for a whole week. Indeed, because God don’t like ugly, he returned from his trip in the “hiking the Appalachian trails” only to face the media and drag his wife and family through a very uncomfortable Q&A. His wife left him, which was fine with him because he found his damn soul mate in some South American chocha. Of course, folks justifiably took his traditional marriage-loving, home-wrecking ass to task for having the gall to oppose gay marriage.

Todd Akin – Akin was just another nobody ‘Publican senator with conservative values until the local news had the presence of mind to put him on television to talk about abortion. Then Akin do what they all do and shoved his penny loafer down his throat, saying “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down” in relation to women apparently not being able to get pregnant from rape. Not only did other Republicans disown him, but the statement coming right before the 2012 Republican National Convention muddied the waters. And since his goof-ass apology didn’t help, you can bet son had to change his office phone number.

Jesse Jackson, Jr. – “Damn homie, you was the man homie, what the fuck happened to you?” I’ll tell you what: he had the world by the gonads – the scion of a living civil rights legend who made enough of a ripple in the political waters to convince people he could do what his dad never could and be president someday. Then he pulled a Mark Sanford-esque disappearing act (which he later blamed on “exhaustion” and a varied range of ailments he probably discovered while reading WebMD and pulled out a dartboard to choose). Of course, the bullshit train stopped chugging when it was discovered he looted his own campaign fund for three-quarters of a mil, which is why he’s now Inmate No. 32451-016. Because, you know, it’s a great idea to start walking around with a nearly $50,000 Rolex when people know you don’t have Jay Z money. Making matters worse, his wife Sandi got a year for filing false tax returns. Poor kids of theirs – saddled with rank idiots as parents.

Anthony Weiner – There’s absolutely nothing I can say here that hasn’t been said a billion times. But he will have a place on a list like this until the end of time.

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