Monsters of the midriff!
Don’t get wrong, I love the NFL. But this season, I find myself watching for all the wrong reasons. Sure, I feign interest in which squad is pushing the ball across the scoring boundary. However, the real reason I’m tuning in is to admire the beautiful physiques of the players. But hot or not, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Jared Allen’s taut, toned body undo all the blood, sweat and tears that resulted from eight months of homosexual conversion therapy. If only there was a way to enjoy the sport without triggering my repressed urges…
Behold, the Lingerie Football League. Now even the most homophobic among us can enjoy the gridiron goodness without all the gratuitous guy groin shots. You see, the Lingerie Football League is made up entirely of hot, sexy ladies. And nothing is more hetero than a bunch of hot girls in skimpy football outfits touching each other, right? Do I really have to explain this? To put it bluntly, Lingerie Football is superior to regular football in every possible way. Here are seven clear-cut reasons why.
No Field Goals
Is there anything worse than watching your favorite football team play their hearts out for four brutal quarters, only to see their opponents score a last-second field goal to win the game? Actually, yes. You could watch your favorite football team play their hearts out for four brutal quarters, only to see your own kicker miss a last-second field goal to lose the game. I’m looking at you, Garrett Hartley. Oh, I’m looking at you too, Janikowski. Well, that type of pantywaist B.S. doesn’t fly in the LFL. There are no field goals, and extra points are earned by making a conversion (from the two-yard line for one point, and from the five-yard line for two).
Injuries suck. Who wants to watch Bob Sanders get a groin pull? Nobody, that’s who. And while there’s nothing funny about watching a player get injured in the LFL, there are at least some unique alternatives. For example, you’ll never see an exploding implant in the NFL or college ball, but they happen every other week in the LFL (probably).
Holding. Who cares? Holding breasts? Much better. Illegal block to the back? Booooorrrring! Illegal block to the vagina? Now you’re talking!
I’m constantly surprised at how often I end up seeing a penis during an average football game. There I am, minding my own business, and bam: Tom Brady’s junk falls out of his uniform for all to see…or was that just a dream? Either way, unless something goes horribly wrong at try outs, seeing a set of male genitals in the LFL is practically impossible.
Lower Crime Rate
The NFL has its fair share of criminals. The LFL, on the other hand, is as clean as a whistle (although I’d like to see the girls at a women’s prison). If looks could kill, the ladies of the LFL would be genocidal maniacs. But they can’t, so these chicks are pretty harmless. However, you know what can kill? A drunken wide receiver behind the wheel of a car or a jealous running back with a knife and nice pair of Isotoner gloves. And while the ladies of the LFL might have the occasional cat fight, the odds of any of them running an illegal dog-fighting ring are pretty slim. Advantage LFL.
Win or Loose, No Disappointment
When your favorite football team blows the big game, it makes you want to smash your TV with an empty bottle of whiskey (especially if you just finished drinking said bottle). With the LFL, not so much. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying you can’t get emotionally invested in an LFL team. But what I am saying is that even if your favorite team plays like crap, at the end of the day, you still spent an hour watching sexy chicks tackle each other. How mad are you going to get about that? Besides, hot chicks crying is kind of hot. What, am I the only one who thinks that? Well I was kidding. It’s totally not hot.
Was there any question that this would make number one? The entire league is built around the premise that guys like to watch bouncing breasts. It’s a good premise. Billions of dollars are made off of it every year. And to be fair, the NFL has breasts of its own. But what would you rather watch: Andy Ried doing jumping jacks, or this girl bouncing her way to the end zone? As IBM used to say, “You make the call!”