Thanks to our ADD, we need to have constant stimulation during our work day, which includes playing games, listening to music and watching TV. Ever since we tried to soup up our DVR with Mountain Dew and a table saw we’ve been subjected to only watching shows as they broadcast and that means a lot of daytime TV. And that means a lot of Maury and Steve Wilkos. For whatever reason, people go on daytime talk shows to air all their dysfunctional business in front of strangers, and maybe you’re thinking of doing that too. But should you solve your problem by yourself or should you go on TV? We made this handy quiz to help you decide.
Add up the numerical value of your answer and check the answer key at the bottom to determine whether you belong on a daytime TV talk show or not
Do you know who the mother/father of your child is?
- It has to be one of 10 people. 20 tops. Unless you count that night by the pool, but my friend says you can’t get pregnant if all 5 guys are drunker than you.
Do you suspect your partner is cheating on you? If so, why?
- Just a feeling
- Incriminating emails
- Mysterious phone calls
- Caught them by the pool being railroaded by 5 drunk guys/girls
Do you keep any secrets from your partner?
- Small ones, nothing major
- You had an affair
- You have been prostituting yourself for the past 10 years for money, fast food, clothing and once, a hamster that turned out to just be balled up socks with googly eyes glued to them
Do you need a makeover?
- Not really, I’m happy with the way I look
- I guess I could use a new look
- I haven’t cut my hair in 4 years
- I wear shit-encrusted sweat pants all the time and the 5 teeth I do have didn’t always belong to me.
What percentage would you say is the most sure you’ve ever been of anything.
- I don’t understand the question
What’s the highest percentage you could actually be sure of something?
If you need to question someone regarding something, what do you do?
- Ask them
- Axe them
Where do you live?
If you took a drug test right now, what would show up?
- Just a bit of blow. Like a little.
- How far back do those things go? Cuz I ran out of meth and heroin like a week ago and I’ve been sorting Comet since then
If you need to alter some of your negative behavior, what would be the best way to do that?
- Put serious effort into self improvement
- Try therapy
- An afternoon of on camera boot camp
- Throw a chair
10-15 points – No daytime TV for you, you’re still human.
16-25 points – You might benefit from a visit to Dr. Oz.
25-36 points – Best keep Maury on speed dial.