By Oscar the Grouch
I’ve been doing this awful show for 41 years, and during that time, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing cameos from some real hot skanks. Kelly Bundy herself, Christina Applegate, somehow blew her way onto the set. Those filthy commie Dixie Chicks once brought their rare brand of anti-Americanism and southern-promiscuity to millions of children via our show. Even uber-slut Jenny McCarthy took time from her busy schedule of fighting against life-saving vaccinations to whore herself on our website. But of all the tramps who have worked this street over the years, Katy Perry takes the cake. I love tramps, so I mean that in the nicest way possible.
For those of you who missed it, Perry recently filmed a "Sesame Street" parody of her vacuous song, "Hot and Cold." Not surprisingly, our resident celeb-whore, Elmo, was behind the project. His furry-red ass has taken more abuse from Hollywood than an intern at CAA. He disgusts me, but I digress.
Perry’s song is mind-numbingly awful. Listening to it makes me want to take a dirt nap. But when it comes on, the one thing that keeps me from rolling my house right off a cliff is the thought of her perfect chest. Given the choice, I would much rather live in her cans than my own, but it doesn’t look like that’s in the cards.
It might shock you, but I’m not exactly pulling down a lot of tail these days. First of all, I’ve been dating the same chick since 1982, and she’s not exactly a looker. In fact, she looks a lot like me in drag. Second, it’s not that’d I’d be opposed to having a little trim on the side, but I live in a friggen garbage can. The ladies aren’t exactly beating down my lid to get a piece of “little Oscar.” Third, I live on Sesame Street, so it’s not exaggeration to say that the only cleavage I see on a regular basis belongs to a fat pig.
To put it bluntly, celebrity cameos are all I have. So when I hear idiots like Elisabeth Hasselbeck complaining about a little bit of cleavage, I go Animal. Honestly, Liz, what’s more harmful: kids seeing cleavage on a pretty young girl, or a bunch of know-nothing housewives listening to you and your team of old ghouls spout off uninformed opinions? I’m going with the latter, you insufferable trollop.
For one thing, the bulk of our audience is three-years old. Not long ago, those same kids were putting boobs in their mouths on a daily basis. Is seeing a nipple really going to make their heads explode? Second, YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE ANYTHING! As far as cleavage goes, the video was pretty tame. I saw a lot worse back at Fred Roger’s Christmas parties. That man knew how to throw down. Third, and most importantly, F*** YOU! Mind your own god damn business. If you want your kid to grow up being afraid of tits, more power to you. Let him watch nothing but "Teletubbies." It worked for Adam Lambert. But for the love of god, don’t ruin it for the rest of us.
Oscar T. Grouch