My typing hand cramped up on me this week as a result of extensive and exhaustive corn shucking, so I had to get my grandfather Howard to put together the silver screen scoop for the week.  Having never heard of any of these movies owing to not having cable at home, I showed him the trailers online.

The Raven

I once made love to a girl whose last name was Poe.  Evelyn Poe.  It was in 1955.  In those days we didn’t have names for the things she could do, at least not in America, but I had been to France after the war and they had names over there for them.  French names.  She put her tongue on everything!

John Cusack?  He was in that Con Air, that was a good film.  Lots of bastards in that one.  This looks gruesome.  One of them horror pictures is it?  Don’t care much for those.  Karloff made a decent horror picture back in the day.  What do you call it, Frankenstein? I read that book in college, never pictured him with a square head like Karloff did it.  You know what, I think he was in a movie called the Raven, too.  That’s funny.  This doesn’t look funny.  Con Air was funny.  Lots of funny bastards in that one.

Safe

Who’s the guy who does the voices in these previews?  Sounds uptight.  This looks OK.  Killers and corrupt cops.  I once knew a guy who was on the police force for 30 years, never paid for a cup of coffee or a sandwich at a deli in his life.  Never once!  Goddamn abuse of authority.  And do you think he ever treated anyone when we went out?  Ever?  No sir.  Tipped like a scoundrel, too.

That 12 year old girl’s a criminal in this?  I bet that guy in the hat helps her out, just you wait.  Oh look, what did I tell you?  Is he famous?  He looks famous.  Looks like the kind of guy who never shaves even when he shaves.  Ladies like those rugged types.  Your mother used to date this ape when she was in school, had forearms you could trap small game in.  Of course she met your father after that hairy boy got arrested for peeing into a reservoir but that’s neither here nor there.  Your father always seemed more the type to pee in things.

My God, he smashed that thug’s balls right on the railing there.  This looks like a good movie.

The 5 Year Engagement

This is a romance picture?  Never cared for those.  Your mother could watch that Gone with the Wind like it was an instructional video on making money.  Do people say that?  That could be a saying.  She loved that picture.  That and Ben Hur.  The girl in this movie is much too pretty for that man.  She doesn’t marry him, does she?

People don’t have engagement parties.  Do me a favor if you ever get married and don’t invite me to an engagement party.  Invite your father’s father, that prick.  Sorry, your mother doesn’t want me to say that.  But he is.  You know why!

Oh, she’s English.  I dated an English girl once, boring.  She was as entertaining as sitting on a toilet in the dark, just an awful girl. Always with tea.

So they get engaged and don’t get married for five years, is that the idea here?  Well, alright.

Pirates!

Oh, it’s a cartoon.  Or is it?  What is that? Oh, with the clay.  California Raisins did that.  Pirates are good fun though, I remember Errol Flynn was always a swashbuckler in movies.  Your grandmother got as horny as a goat if I took her to see an Errol Flynn movie.  I’m not kidding, I think she would have shot me dead just for an hour with that man.  He was much older, mind you.  I think he was dead before we even got married.  For me it was Jayne Mansfield.  She had some breasts, she did.

I can’t finish this, I don’t watch cartoons.  Last cartoon show I saw was that Disney Pete’s Dragon with your mother.  He was this cartoon dragon but no one else was a cartoon and I think he was supposed to be a retarded.  It was just terrible.

Oh look, the pirate has a dodo bird.  That’s different.

Bernie

Ha ha, that big boned young fella is having sex with Shirley Maclaine?  Now that’s funny.  Let me tell you something.  In 1959 I was in New York City, first time I’d ever gone to any big city.  I’d worked hard and saved my money for over a year and I was looking to have the most amazing trip anyone ever had.  I saw shows, I ate at fancy restaurants and stayed in the best hotels and I shit you not, I met Shirley Maclaine at the Green Room bar in the Edison Hotel and spent the night with her!  What’s more, and no one will believe you if you tell them this, she stole all the towels and left the seat up on the toilet three times.  Three times!

Anyway, I can see where it would be funny if this film is about that fella shooting her.