56 Situationally Appropriate Euphemisms

Every so often in life, the time comes when we can’t, in good conscience, just come out and say what we mean.  But what we mean still must be said.  So we rely on the euphemism.  And while they’re guaranteed to be hilarious and 9 times out of 10 will make women swoon and  accelerate their hornyness to full on level 7, if you want it to be 10 times out of 10 with a level 8 horny factor, you want to use a euphemism that relates to the time and place you’re in.

In World of Warcraft

Want to help me grind my Staff of Jordan?
I’m going to motorboat you like an angry murloc
I just shaved my furbolg
Ready to see my epic mount?
I’m ready to plant my flag in your Warsong Gulch
I’m taking the backdoor into your Undercity

At a KKK Rally

Looks like the South is ready to rise again
I could lynch that booty all night
I want to spread my ignorance all over your backside

At a 7-11

Ready for a Slurpee?
Ready for a Big Gulp?
I’m going to cheese your nachos
Let me swab the grease off your hot dog 

Crashing in an Elevator

Hey baby, wanna go down on my shaft?
Going down?
I hope this thing stops on 69
 

In a Jewish Deli

Ready to have a nosh of my knish?
Let me squeeze some more soup from my matzo balls
Baby, I want to Gefilte your fish wrinkle
I’m ready to spread my sour cream on your latke
Who wants a pork stuffed blintz?

In Space

Time to pilot this probe towards Uranus
I’m about to crash into the dark side of the moon
I’m about to Sputnik all over your stratosphere

At Christmas

Baby, I want to tie your bow
Honey, you make me want to fill your stocking
I’m going to make like Santa and slide down your chimney
I’ve got a corn cob pipe for your snowman

On a Fishing Trip

My bobber is twitching
That’s a keeper
It was this big!

At the Bank

I’m not going to be making an early withdrawal
I have a big deposit for you
I’m about to go way below prime

At Thanksgivng Dinner

Baby, I’m ready to glaze your ham
Baby, I’m ready to stuff your turkey
Baby, I’m ready to mash your potato
Baby, I’m ready to butternut your squash

At a Ball Game

Let me spread some spicy mustard on your weiner
That’s ball two, baby
Choke up on the bat, baby
I’m going to foul into your dugout

In court

Looks like we’ve got a hung jury
Want to bang my gavel?
I’m ready to be sequestered in your pants.

Watching Infomericals

I want to slapchop your nuts
I’m ready to flavorwave your beef
Call me Jack Lalanne cuz I’m about to juice those melons

Pulled over for Speeding

Hey officer, I bet you can blow more than 8
How fast was I going?  I dunno, 69?
Sorry officer, I was hoping to get rear ended

In a Philosophy Class

I want to Lacan all up in your Heidegger
I’m about to give you a long, hard ontological argument for getting busy
Turn around and I’ll show you the Socratic Method
How about I do you Utilitarian style – it’ll be the greatest good for the greatest number
Want to see my Ubermensch?