(But they looked so fake-happy together!)
By Dustin Seibert
So, Kardashian Klan little sister and ugly-duckling-amongst-swans Khloe Kardashian just became the second person in her immediate family to go through divorce for all the free world to see. Everyone saw it coming, because Lamar Odom — in addition to having to endure drug dependency and constant groupie temptation — had to deal with a much more profound issue: Being married to a Kardashian, and arguably the most ridiculous among them.
It got me thinking about other famous pairs that have made the Internet, the silver screen, television and everything else a little less bearable simply by being together. For the sake of my Entertainment Weekly subscription, someone needs to drive the Keystone XL pipeline between these celebrity couples…
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: I’m pretty sure that Kim Kardashian’s ass is made out of equal parts gold and perpetually generating Hennessy VSOP, because more than a few powerful brothers have fallen under its spell. The problem with Kanye — well, one of the many problems with Kanye — is that he’s made his crappiest music when under the shadow of a gigantic ass: 808s and Heartbreaks happened following the dissolution of his relationship with extreme donk-rocker/Wiz Khalifa sperm receptacle Amber Rose, and Yeezus — handily his worst album ever — happened under the aegis of Kim. Mind you, I’m more than convinced that these two sorry excuses for atomic mass deserve each other, and they may just walk down the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon yellow brick road of ridiculous couples that’ll probably break up eventually. But frankly, I’d love to see another College Dropout. That shit ain’t happening under Das Kardash.
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow: First off, Gwyneth Paltrow has the most punchable face of any “sex symbol” from the 90s, and that’s a hell of an achievement considering that the entire cast of Friends still roams the earth. By himself, Chris Martin is like that ladyboy porn disc buried deep in your collection — you gain enjoyment from taking in his product, but doing so is like two steps away from making you gay. These two got together, became even more unbearable together, and bore a child they named “Apple,” as if all the money in the world will prevent that kid from getting fucked with on the schoolyard. They hobknob around with Jay-Z and Beyonce and think they have enough street cred to make this tweet okay. And let’s be honest: Coldplay has kinda sucked for a few years now. Basically, Gwyneth is a skeletal Caucasian Yoko Ono.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith: In the 90s, Will Smith was the fly dude every boy wanted to be (and every one of their crushes wanted to be with). Jada Pinkett was a haute sex symbol and the object of masturbatory fantasies for rayon shirt, square-top-fade, overall-wearing middle-schoolers everywhere…especially after Jason’s Lyric (we’ll forget about the body double rumors for now). But then they came together in matrimony, and it was like crossing the streams: Their appeal just rapidly diminished — they started dressing alike and she decided to get shitty haircuts. Everyone roots for them as the strong, enduring black Hollywood couple, and that’s cool and all…but their stock dropped tremendously when their two demon-spawn came of age and this happened. And this. Jada still has it in the sexiness department, but she would need to be a free agent again to remind us. Here’s hoping those crazy-ass rumors are true and this entire sham-marriage flies off the track in the near future.
Spencer and Heidi Pratt: The couple are the patron saints of schadenfreude-inducing antics. We’ve been watching them suck ass at being humans for the better part of a decade now, and they’re so good at it that there’s no turning our heads. Problem is, every time you think that you’re rid of hearing about them for good, they fuck around and release another television special in which you’re reminded that Heidi is now made out of 87% neoprene after repeatedly going under the knife at the height of her early-20s hotness, and Spencer looks like a grown-up version of Ham from The Sandlot. We just don’t need to see these two anymore, ever. If I needed more proof that society was lost, I’d just go visit the closest Chicago ghetto.
Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade: This couple is similar to Will and Jada in that Gabrielle Union’s hotness factor was far higher before she linked up with the Miami Heat’s golden boy. Seems like every time I blink, Gabrielle is on some talk show or TMZ getting her TMI on, talking about her high-fiber farts and getting to Twitter snits with chicks who are no doubt playing “Hide the Pro Athlete Sausage” with her man. Do you see Halle Berry talking about farting? No, because fine-ass women aren’t supposed to fart — their gases automatically emit through their pores as a combination of lilacs and a warm evening breeze on a beach in Tahiti. I was about done with them when it came out that he sired a child with another woman while they were on a “break.” Sigh. Gabrielle, if you’re listening, don’t squander your last few years of hotness going on with a dude more than a decade your junior whom any groupie would gladly set up for a paternity suit. You’re better than that.
Jaden Smith and Kylie Jenner: Yeah, they’re just kids. So what? Annoyingness is in their respective DNA. Jaden is already intolerable on his own, and they’ll start sucking together in no time flat. Best to snuff out this partnership pre-emptively, before they spawn a brand new generation of megadouchebags.