About once a year news breaks on a very slow news day (the sort of day when there’s only a phone hacking scandal, maybe the economy is falling apart, maybe every Republican candidate is the reincarnation of Vlad the Impaler) that someone, in some out of the way place, has found…something. What did they find? It’s bigger than a breadbox, it has a face, it’s dead and it just may be the chupacabra.
For those who don’t know, the chupacabra is the goat sucker. It’s a vampire for goats. It drinks the blood of livestock. Why people are afraid of it is a bit mysterious but never mind that. What we have here is a cryptoid, a monster, a beast that science hasn’t accounted for and it’s dead on your lawn. Maybe. But before you go calling Anderson Cooper or making Wolf Blitzer grumpy in the middle of the afternoon, you need to be sure you really have El Chupacabra because, and this may surprise you, of the dozens of chupacabras caught in the last few years, none have been actual chupacabras. Like the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot, all sightings have so far been grade-A bullshit. Sometimes a fox with mange. And with that in mind, Holy Taco has whipped up this handy check list for you to print off. If you can eliminate all these possibilities, then you may, in fact, have a real chupacabra on your hands. Yay!