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Solving the LeBron James Free Agency Issue: Make Him Play Alone

Ever since getting embarrassed by the San Antonio Immortal Overlords of Dimension Z (some call them the Spurs), King Lebron James has made it clear he might take his talents somewhere else next year. We don’t know where, only that whoever takes him will pay shitloads. He wants the maximum salary, which is at least $20 million per year. Maybe his cable bill went up.

But he also want to win titles — he promised seven+ during his The Decision back in 2010, and he’s only managed two so far. Teams full of super-cheap bench-warmers, old farts staving off retirement until ESPN needs an analyst, and dumb young rookies tend to do that. LeBron’s choices are to either take all the money, leave none for the rest of his team, and keep failing; or take less and build a legitimate dynasty. We all know the latter isn’t happening — he took less money once, didn’t like it, and now wants every penny on the planet — which means he’s all set to embrace his destiny as a watered-down, less successful, far older-looking Michael Jordan.

29 and you already look twice as old as a guy in his ’50s.

Unless he heeds my advice and plays by himself, that is. I don’t mean the figurative “one man carries the team” deal, but rather he literally dumps everybody on the team and plays all five positions by himself. It’d be like Bugs Bunny playing baseball, which should be close enough for the shockingly vocal crowd who actually want Space Jam II.

Five-on-one basketball isn’t easy, which is probably why nobody does it, but if anybody can pull it off, it’s a high scorer like LeBron. And yes, he will need to score a LOT, since even the fastest man on the planet can’t stop five people from shooting at will. The trick is to block as many shots as possible, pick up as many rebounds as possible, and score every single time. That sounds pretty hard, but this IS a guy who famously declared that winning games was “gonna be easy“. So if anyone can do it, it’s him.

Also, fire his coach. All that schmuck knows is X’s and O’s, and you don’t need that when you’re the only guy on the court. Besides, LeBron already knows more about basketball than the guy who invented it — who else could send out one tweet saying he likes some college kid, and suddenly see his team scramble to sign him? Clearly, King James doesn’t need some suit ordering him around. The voices in his head can handle that job.

Hell, getting rid of everybody might actually make his job EASIER. Have you ever noticed that when you have a lazy roommate or lover, and then suddenly you’re alone, you eget more shit done? Clean floors, clean dishes, a scrubbed toilet, dinner made on time — this is because beforehand, you were relying on somebody else to pitch in and do what you couldn’t do, even though you were at least 96% sure they never would. But with them out of the picture, it’s all on you, and you react accordingly by transforming into a one-person army of productivity.

“All that’s left now is to keep the house clean by never doing anything inside it ever again.”

This is clearly LeBron’s best option then: launch the LeBron City LeBrons, hire some intern to be the mascot (it’s LeBron, but in wacky bird form!) and get to work. No way the King couldn’t handle 48 minutes a night, 90 points, and 65 rebounds, plus it would mean all the money and rings to himself. Even Kobe can’t boast that.

And even if he fails and succumbs to exhaustion and cramps after a couple weeks, it’ll be worth it for that wacky LeBron Bird. LeSwan James, hopefully.

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