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Soon You Will Be Able to Un-Ironically Say You Own a Jet Pack

jet pack

Remember that time we were all lied to by science? The time we were all told we’d all have jet packs by now? Well, it seems science wasn’t lying to us as much as it was just trying to stall as it stood in front of a curtain we were all trying to look behind that had a lot of ruckus going on behind it.

“Now, see here, science. If I find there to be a one of them fancy personal flying wondermajigs behind that there curtain, you’re gonna have hell to pay, mister!”

“Nah. I swear. You gotta believe me. There ain’t no jet packs back here. I keep tellin’ya, they’re gonna be here in the future!”
“Then what’s making all the rukus and calamity behind that there curtain, see?”

“That? Oh, that’s…the rehearsal for a new Hollywood picture starring the fresh-faced newcomers Fredrick Rukus and Flannigan Calamity. I guess they’re really living up to their namesakes, huh, mister?”

That was a short excerpt from Holy Taco’s first feature film, titled Two Guys From The 50s Talk About A Jet Pack That’s Behind a Curtain. We expect to win all the Oscars.

But yes, ladies and gents, we are, in fact, getting jet packs. Well, not you. Not anyone here at Holy Taco. And probably not anyone you know. But soon you will hear about a bunch of rich people falling from the sky as the weight of the $100,000 washer/dryer set they have strapped to their backs crush them in to a fine human pâté. That’s right, the Martin Aircraft Company is finally releasing their personal flying thing to the masses for only slightly less than it costs to get any kind of life-saving surgery after you cartoonishly plummet to the ground after you maiden jet pack flight.

Richard Lauder, chief executive of New Zealand-based Martin Aircraft Company tells Discovery News, "Our goal is to create a Segway for the sky, where the principles of flying would be very simple." By this, of course he means he only wants mall cops and people taking tours of Washington, D.C. to use it. He also wants to ensure that nobody that uses a jet pack will ever get laid, even though that defeats the entire purpose of ever owning a jet pack. Why bother soaring through the skies if you won’t be able to reach the mountain top, if you know what I mean. Wink Wink. Hehe.

I mean f*cking. Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. F*cking was the thing I was talking about just then. Clear?

The aircraft can fly for 30 solid minuets at 5 MPH, and it has a max speed of 63 MPH. Now, I’m not good at math, but if 5 MPH equals 30 minutes, then 63 MPH must equal 2 seconds, followed by trail of urine and feces highlighting and dotting the path you rode straight to hell.

Thankfully, this is a product that will only be purchased by the super rich, so it’s kind of nice to have them be the guanine pig early adopters for crazy-ass future tech and not, say, broke college kids that are willing to be injected with an Ebola/AIDS/Small Pox cocktail if it meant they could pay their rent and maybe one class.

5 Responses to "Soon You Will Be Able to Un-Ironically Say You Own a Jet Pack"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Go New Zealand!!!

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    xD ^^^

  3. H8er says:

    The only thing that bothers me about this contraption is the fact that there are 5 gallons of flammable liquid less than 2 feet from my head. I think I would feel safer if this was powered by some alternative, non-explosive source.

  4. RonPonder says:

    You mean like magic gas?

  5. H8er says:

    I’m pretty sure it could be anything as long as it doesn’t blow my fucking head off. Magic gas, water, anti-gravitational light bending fluid; any of these would be a tad safer.