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The Sorry State of Hell: 5 Lame-Ass Demonic Possessions


Rumor has it the very notion of an exorcism was all but forgotten by the early 1970’s. The Church had abandoned it in every civilized corner of the globe and most people were only passingly familiar with the term at all, in much the same way you know what “explosive diarrhea” or “haberdashery” mean. Then William Peter Blatty crapped all over people’s psyches with The Exorcist and suddenly every idiot who’d ever masturbated with a crucifix had been possessed. This started the pop culture snowball we see all the time today, when a thing gets popular and the sheeple jump on the bandwagon with it, from going to see Titanic in theaters over 200 times to multiple sightings of a monkey man terrorizing New Delhi. People want to experience a thing because everyone else seems to be experiencing it, whether or not there’s any good reason behind it. Lucky for you this article isn’t about that, it’s about pathetic demons.

While most demons seem to possess people to make them speak gibberish languages and writhe on the bed before their irresponsible loved ones and functionally retarded clergy perform an exorcism that ends up killing them, the odd demon pops up because apparently it’s a slow day in Hell and they couldn’t think of anything better to do. Literally.

Giving Indian Burns – When the Devil is made flesh, you expect some real zingers. Something with some oomph to it. Scourging the pure, burning the innocent. At the very least he should order a whole ton of pizzas for your neighbor. In Oklahoma City, the Prince of Darkness manifested himself in 22 year old Bryson Duane Slate and proceeded to give an EMS worker an Indian Burn.

iandian burn

After being cuffed by police, the wily Old Nick calmed right the hell down and seemed quite together and lucid. EMS workers were going to restrain him to the gurney so his cuffs were removed. Then, the crafty devil lashed out, grabbing the wrist and giving it such a twist, you don’t even know. Oh man. Yeah.

This is exactly where the story ends. Hopefully the twisty demon will be sent back to the pits of 7th grade inspired pranks from whence it came so that future people who come in contact with Slate can be saved the horror of enduring hell-born wedgies, swirlies and purple nurples.

Ruining Europe – It’s official, Hitler was the Devil. But so was Stalin. The Devil lives in every European with terrible hair who has a penchant for mass murder. Keep your eyes on Gerard Depardieu.

gerard depardieu

Now arguably Hitler and Stalin are prime examples of demonic possession, they’re two of history’s biggest monsters. But then if you take a moment to look into Hitler’s personal life; his curious love of dogs, his totally gay fashion sense, that mustache, his craptastic artwork, syphilis, the whole shebang, it seems like the demon that escaped hell didn’t so much get into the man as he was forced out of Hell because no one wanted him there either.

Incidentally, you know how I know if Stalin was possessed by a demon it was the lamest demon ever? He watched the first episode of Dallas before going to bed and dying. The power of Christ compels you, not J.R. Ewing.

Eviling Up Stuffed Animals – Movies indicate children are often the victims of demonic possession, because in movies adults are generally idiots and any mental disorder is easier to diagnose as a demon than, you know, a real thing. This has leapt handily into the real world where parents who are a fun mix of lazy and stupid choose to seek the help of crazy dipshits rather than the help of absolutely anyone else on the face of the earth.

evil teddy bear

Somewhere just south of the line that demarcates where the sane live in North Carolina lived a woman whose three year old was having trouble sleeping. He wasn’t shitting fireballs, he wasn’t eating neighborhood cats, he wasn’t riding skeletal dogs through the old folks home. He was having trouble sleeping. So she invited a total stranger to the house and he shook the shit out of the kid, force fed him olive oil till he puked and then stole all his stuffed animals, because they were possessed by demons. Stuffed dogs and cats and bears. All crammed to the gills with demons.

Fun side note, the newspaper that reported this story included this quote “They’re the kind of animals a young’n could hold in his arms.” Ha ha, charming!

And Real Dogs – Crazy mugshot owner Matthew O. Foote was not possessed with Hell’s most photogenic demon despite deciding to slaughter the family dog because it was possessed by the devil. Being dog lovers ourselves (we use woflhounds to keep the Mexicans and albinos in the basement motivated) we’re not fans of nutters who kill dogs and then claim they did it to save the world or whatever. But if we’re to believe his tale of supernatural heroism, it must be noted that the demon that possessed his weiner dog was so inept it got itself taken out by this dude;


Being White Trash – There have been movies about Satan possessing little girls, Satan possessing dogs, Satan possessing cars and whole hosts of demons fighting at crappy diners in crappy movies. This is a story about a dude who burned down his parents’ trailer because it was possessed by the devil.

The story is light on details but it doesn’t need any after what I just said. Now is when your own knowledge and insight takes over – have you ever seen a trailer park? A regular, non-evil trailer park? Try to imagine what happens to make that worse. Try to imagine how you can tell your trailer is bad in the Biblical sense. This trailer must have seriously been caked in feces, tapioca and blood dripping from the walls, screams from the septic tank, numerous meth-addicted strippers named things like Crystal, Starla, incorrectly spelled Cheyenne and Lexus hanging about and fly strips like chandeliers.

ugly stripper

Any demon that would come to earth and decide, of every piece of shit available to inhabit, from Yugos to Lindsay Lohan, to possess a trailer, was not summoned from the fiery pit, it was driven to the country by an older demon who left it by the side of the road to fend for itself.

4 Responses to "The Sorry State of Hell: 5 Lame-Ass Demonic Possessions"

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    I need to become a priest. (damn)

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