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Spin Doctoring Santorum: 11 New Definitions for Santorum Rick Santorum Should Latch On To

Rick Santorum is still a GOP candidate despite how he’s been running a pretty sad campaign from the start.  Go on, Google him again, you know you want to.  While his Mr. Burns-like demeanor and overall hatred of anyone unlike him seem obvious, he could still have a chance if he overcomes his biggest flaw – his name.  You’d think in a field splattered with the likes of Newt and Mitt a Rick would do well, but alas his last name has come to mean something gross, which is funny, which is ruining him.  So Mr. Santorum, even though Google won’t fix your Google problem, maybe Holy Taco can.  Just latch onto one of our suggestions and see if we can’t make it viable enough to change the way people perceive you.  Just remember, in order to overcome an already hilarious prank, we’ll need to do something even more ridiculous.

Santorum: The act of making love to three generations of a family in a single 24 hour period

Example:  “I totally pulled a Santorum on Sally, her mom and her grandma last night”

This definition is filthy, of course, but it’s American.  It’s something we want to strive toward, not rush away from like the current definition.  Who amongst us hasn’t come across a familial triumvirate at some point and wanted to score the hat trick?  Exactly.

Santorum: A 9mm parabellum round laced with a dysentery-inducing chemical

Example: “Don’t worry, we shot him with a Santorum.  Even if he survives the blood loss, the shits will kill him.”

This is a subtle redirect from the old version, we’re still sticking with ass-related discharge, but now it’s manly and awesome.  Well, as manly and awesome as that gets.

Santorum:  A third world pornography studio known for its assembly-line ability to mass produce dozens of films every day.

Example:  “All Asian Ass Assassin #76 was produced in a Santorum and was the first feature of Daisy Chainz, AVN’s Newcomer of the Year 2009”

People like Asian pornography.  Fact.

Santorum:  An orgy that somehow turns into a riot.

Example: “Once all the fires and looting started we figured it was a riot, but once we noticed everyone stopping to have sex every few feet it became clear it was a Santorum.”

Don’t ask me why, but the idea of a mob of people tumbling naked and sweaty into the streets before laying waste to a city is kind of awesome.

Santorum:  A CIA operation in which a friendly agent seduces a foreign operative and manages to extract information mid coitus.

Example:  “Carlos the Jackal spilled all of his secrets in the middle of a Santorum handjob.”

This is very James Bondian, in which us common people assume all the spy games in the world involve either shooting people at cocktail parties or banging hot Russian spies.

Santorum:  Cheese made from human milk

Example: “Oh man, this is the neighbor’s Santorum?  Gross.”

When you think about it, there’s nothing that says you can’t make human cheese.  And if you did make it, it would need some kind of a name.  And gouda has already been taken.

Santorum:  An English bathroom attendant

Example: “I don’t have change for the meter; I gave my last sixpence to that Santorum who kept watching me pee.”

The English are by their very nature classy, no matter how trashy they are – look at every English musician ever.  So even a bathroom attendant has a degree of class.

Santorum: A fart that makes you nod your head in stoic agreement; a placeholder for a really intelligent counterpoint in a conversation.

Example: “As we discussed the heavy taxation of salt in India as brought on by British imperialists, Dave made a fine point when he cut a Santorum.

When someone cuts a big fart in mid-conversation, particularly when it’s their time to speak, and they have the balls to continue to look you in the eye, fully embracing their fart and unafraid of its consequences, the fart should then be accepted as a viable and intelligent answer.

Santorum:  The clinical name for Underboob

Example:  “Did you see that gallery of Scarlett Johansson pics?  Tons of Santorum up in there.”

Underboob is wonderful, any candidate, GOP or otherwise, would be blessed to be even tangentially related to such a delightful thing.

Santorum:  A 570 degree spin ending in a knock out kick to the face

Example: “I was all ‘come at me, bro!’ and he did so I had to lay him out with a Santorum .”

This plays off the curious pseudo-cred of Chuck Norris and other preposterously manly things that are fan favorites on the internet.  If this worked, Santorum would become a meme in Warcraft.

Santorum: A unit of measurement equal to two pantloads or one half shitload.

Example: “Did you see Jerry fight that monkey?  Dropped a Santorum of poop right on him and then bit his nose.  And that was just Jerry!  LOL!”

There’s power in numbers, and if your name can be used to describe a large quantity of everything from PS3 games to beer bottles, then that’s pretty awesome.  Ask Lucas Keg.

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