The world is lousy with zombies these days; the Walking Dead, the GOP Debates and now, Break Media is dropping Zombie Parkour Runner on your iPhone or, if you’re fancy, iPad. It’s the only game you’ll play this month in which you’re required to use parkour skills to fight off the undead hordes. Damn them all! After skipping out on work for two days to play the game (it’s research. So was all the beer) we were inspired by the idea of just how one’s athleticism could help them fight off dirty zombies. What obscure sports are good for zombie destruction? Is there any way to parlay darts into a career in Zombieland? Probably not. Anyway, on with the article.
No one at Holy Taco can do parkour. Or is it just called parkouring? No one here can conjugate it properly, either. We’d likely die if forced to do this in a real world setting, however our current expertise in the game assures us that few zombies could handle our roof-hopping skills, provided the zombies we encountered were all jockeys or in wheelchairs and we were pink-haired, nimble gymnast girls. How many times have we wished for that? Lord knows.
Zombies, as you know, are rotting meat bags who have vulnerable brains. Parkour is helpful in this situation because, if you use someone as a vaulting horse, you can bash their skulls off the pavement pretty easily and that’ll show any undead twat who’s boss. Consider taking it up if you’re paranoid about zombism and/or running out of ammo.
Nothing says “I want to bash in your skull” quite as eloquently as MMA fighting. Sure, it’s not super obscure any more but its roots are in back alley fighting and 20 years ago no one had ever heard of it, so follow us here.
While normally you don’t want to go hand to hand with the undead as they’re very grabby and bitey, the upshot of this is that they will predictably move into what you can call your “kill zone;” the area around your person in which your hands, feet, knees and elbows will smash body parts without mercy. And remember, during a typical MMA bout, when you bash your opponent’s head on the mat, he’s probably a strong, healthy individual. A zombie has to be seriously calcium deficient with some loose joints, you’ll probably pop him like a balloon full of rotten meat.
You could argue this entry is about baseball and therefore not obscure, but we have to disagree. The cricket bat is essential for more hilarious and thorough zombie bashing, due to its wide, flat shape. While a Louisville Slugger is sure to cause a fine amount of head trauma, if you saw Shaun of the Dead you know a cricket bat is primed for brain smushing and it’s much harder to miss. Plus, the extra large sweet spot makes every swing just a tiny bit more hilarious.
You should never underestimate the power of the Highland Games when it comes to destroying enemies both living and dead. Outward appearances indicate the Scottish people spent their entire lives thinking of ways to either destroy themselves or others for the amusement of everyone else around them. Think about it; haggis, bagpipes, men in skirts, this is a race of people who are about hilarious suffering.
The caber toss, for all intents and purposes, is when you throw a tree. Someone is nice enough to prune the branches off of it, but that’s it in a nutshell. There’s you, you’re holding a giant log, you huck it as far as you can. One on one this does nothing for no one. Get a whole team of Scotsmen together and you’re making zombie jam at the bottom of a hill.
The Sport of Kings is also the Sport of Kicking Zombie Ass. You’re on a horse and you’re swinging a mallet with a pristine white tipa wood head so why waste time playing equestrian croquet when clearly saving mankind from a terrible zombie scourge is right there in your hands? The answer is clear.
As the Walking Dead has shown us (and we covered in an earlier article) you’re screwed in a car. Everyone tried to drive, it’s a big loser. But a horse, now there’s a smart way to travel. It’s swift, it’s maneuverable and it will scream if zombies rush you, something no Fiat will do no matter ho much J Lo wants me to buy the damn thing. It keeps most of your vital bits above mouth level and raining down holy mallet hell on brains is so easy you’ll barely be able to do it all day without worrying about a repetitive stress injury.
We’re running a contest to win a free download code for Zombie Parkour Runner! All you need to do is share this post on Facebook! Tomorrow, we’ll randomly select 5 readers who shared this post to get a download code for the game so you can kick some zombie ass on your iphone!