Some foods are naturally spreadable, like butter, or peanut butter, or apple butter. Other foods have been forced into spreadability to appease mankind’s epic sloth. And not like a real sloth, because an epic sloth would be cool, I mean that in the Biblical way. Epic lazy assery. Just because, through some finagling and force of will, a thing can be spread doesn’t mean it should be spread.
The oldest and most guilty of all the spreadables, cheese has a lot to answer for. Have you ever had Cheese Whiz? Why do we call it cheese? It’s not cheese. Cheese is a solid product. It’s like…hard milk. It’s firm and can melt and it’s not the consist
ency of premium quality hair gel. But here we are in a world full of cream cheese and Easy Cheese and Whizzed cheese and all these semi-solid things that we can smear on crackers and I don’t give a shit how delicious they are, they’re not cheese, man.
And aerosol cheese? How many aerosolized foods can you name right now? No food should be able to be dispensed from a pressurized can with a nozzle on top except whipped cream. That shit is whack.
Have you ever seen deviled ham in a can? It’s very aptly named because there’s evil afoot when you can take the meat of a living beast, in this case a ham (sometimes called pig) and turn it into a paste you can spread on crackers.
I understand the process by which this can be done, you grind it and whip it up and whatnot, but this is a wrong thing. Meat is fine just the way it is, it doesn’t require being made into a paste. We’re not babies and if we were, we would not require ham. Have you ever seen a baby cry for ham? Babies don’t even know what the hell ham is, unless their parents are despicable.
I didn’t even know this was a thing until 10 minutes ago when I Googled spreadable shit and ran across this kind of Italian spreadable salami. Somehow this is even worse than the ham. A ham is a thing, like haunch from a pig, that was hamified. I don’t know how you do that, you cure it in brine and heaven or something, I’m no butcher. But salami is like 15 different things occupying the same space. It’s probably pig, but there’s also those white fatty chunks and peppercorns and what the hell else is in salami? No one knows. But all of that shit got into this stuff, and then you can spread it. No sir.
I can already feel some people getting uppity that I bothered to include this. “But Ian,” you insist, your fingers already sticky, “I love marshmallow fluff!” Well grow up. That jar of marshmallow goo makes no sense. Why isn’t it solid? And what does anyone need to spread marshmallows on? I have never in my life run across a thing that required marshmallows spread on it. Because I am an adult.
I dunno man. I’m embittered, I think. Did this article come across as bitter? It’s not that I hate spreadable foods per se, I just don’t get the need. Like, would you eat one of those chocolate and marshmallow sandwiches? That’s just a sad excuse to fill you maw with chocolate and marshmallow. Why not just eat some s’mores? They’re delicious. Eat it.