Since the late 1970′s, dorks around the world have sought to combine their love of Star Wars with their crippling addiction to public masturbation. Unfortunately, all attempts to reconcile the two beloved pastimes have failed…until now!
I don’t use the word "hero" often, but what other word can be used to describe William Tyler Black, a man who has single-handedly revolutionized the way millions of young men jerk off in public.
Yesterday, Mr. Black was in a Walmart when he allegedly grabbed a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. I’m not sure why an issue that came out in February was still in the store, but they seem to do things differently in Sarasota, FL…a lot differently.
At this point, most men would purchase the magazine, drive home, and rub one off to Brooklyn Decker in the privacy of their own tool-shed. But Mr. Black isn’t like most men.
Supposedly, Black opted to take the magazine to the children’s toy aisle, where he proceeded to pull out his genitals and begin masturbating. So far, so good. But here’s where it gets interesting.
A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”
The toy on the receiving end of Mr. Black’s genetic endowment was none other than a Star Wars light saber. Bra-vo, you magnificent bastard. May the force be with you.
When questioned about the events that transpired, Black claimed he was simply “shopping for a toy for his daughter.” I’m not sure what impresses me more: his modesty, or his deep and loving commitment to his family.
It should come as no surprise that Black is a substitute teacher. I, for one, am glad to see such an innovator busy at work shaping young minds. I suppose it should also come as no surprise that Black was arrested and charged with battery and exposure of sexual organs. Like all great men who stray too far ahead of their time, Black will be ridiculed and persecuted by our reactionary society. But despite the troubles ahead, he should take solace in the fact that because of his actions, future generations will be able to freely and openly masturbate on Star Wars toys in public places, as God intended. Three cheers for William Tyler Black! Hip, hip horary! Hip, hip horary! Hip, hip horary! (Source)