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Stephen Hawking Spends Most of His Days Thinking About Boobs

Stephen Hawking_Boobs

Stephen Hawking. He’s one of the smartest people to have ever lived, and even he, in his infinite, universally expansive wisdom, has no goddamn clue how women function.

In an interview with New Scientist magazine, Hawking was asked what he thinks about most during the day. His answer was simple: “Women. They are a complete mystery.”

Some people would probably interpret that quote as being one of those great one-liners you read on those quote websites your lame Facebook friends steal their status updates from. Your lame Facebook friends will steal that quote in the years, decades to come because of the inherent irony of one of the smartest people on earth not being able to grasp the concept of a woman. It makes the rest of us men feel just a little bit better.

But there’s something else that Stephen Hawking just admitted to here that I think is even more important.

Stephen Hawking just came out of the closet and admitted that he, a man bound to a motorized wheelchair and is forced to speak through a highly advanced Speak & Spell and that has pondered the great mysteries of cosmology, quantum gravity, string theory, and astrophysics, thinks about tits a whole lot. It seems that no man, no matter how deep his thoughts may be, can escape the mighty grasp of a random sex fantasy-induced mid-day boner.

Though, being Stephen Hawking, his sex fantasies are probably much more technical and philosophical than that of the average man. We think about boobs and we drool and then we go back to being sad. Hawking, that guy probably dives deep in to the heady and complex reasons as to why boobs give him boners. He probably looks at boobs and sees, in the Headsup Display that overlays his eyes, a series of complicated mathematical equations made up of geometric measurements and obscure scientific symbols that always end with an equal sign that points to a series of question marks, all of which are then followed by another equal sign that points to a drawing of a stiffened penis that looks like it would sing a jaunty tune if it were in a cartoon.

In other words, Stephen Hawking’s boners are probably smarter than any of us. He gets scholarly boners. Your boners are struggling to make up a science credit so they can graduate high school on time and not have to deal with summer school.

Stephen Hawking may be one of the smartest people to have ever lived, and for that we tend to put him on a pedestal and deify him as being someone that has figured out everything there is to know about life, so he’s graduated to thinking much further beyond the earth and our boring “human issues.”

In truth, he hasn’t. He’s just a dude; a bro; a guy. At this very moment as you read this, Stephen Hawking may have all of his neurons and synapses working overdrive in an attempt to figure out yet another one of the universe’s grand mysteries. But after that, he’s going to think about fucking the barista from his local Starbucks, just like you probably do. The only difference is, when he does it, he may accidentally change the world. The rest of us, well, we’re probably just going to ruin another sock.

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