Steve Urkel Punches Fake Boobies and 5 Other Washed Up Celebrity Hijinks

Word has it that Jaleel White, better known as Steve Urkel from TV’s “This F*ckin’ Sucks” has taken up amateur boxing. Specifically, he’s been playing the speed bag on some lady’s breast implant. That someone took the time to let us known he was not only punching boobs, but that the boob was fake, really made this story. But it got us wondering, we always hear abou actual celebrities run-ins with the law, but what the hell are all the other washed up criminal stars of 80’s shows doing now? To the research department!

Randy Quaid – You might remember Randy Quaid as Dennis Quaid’s Clint Howardesque brother and as Cousin Eddie from several National Lampoon movies made back when Chevy Chase was arguably still funny. His greatest achievement, aside from that time he destroyed an alien spaceship in Independence Day, is managing to rack up a $10,000 hotel bill that he skipped out on with his wife.

Since our research department consists mostly of one intern who regularly abuses cough medicine, we weren’t able to clear away all the murk from this story, but as near as we can figure Quaid is an Econo Lodge sort of guy, so to manage to burn through $10k, we have to assume he was staying in that honeymoon suite with the heart shaped bed. And possibly they convinced the management to send up a few cases of pink champagne, a few racks of ribs and maybe a dozen or so hookers.

After making a run for Texas, the couple managed to skip a handful of court dates until, somehow, Quaid managed to get off scot free while his wife got saddled with 3 years probation and 240 hours of community service, possibly cleaning up the sorts of messes people like them leave in hotels.

Joyce DeWitt – It should have been obvious to anyone who watched Three’s Company that there was something wrong with Janet. How Mr. Roper could have spent so much time worrying about Jack being gay when Janet was sending off more dyke vibes than Lilith Fair is anyone’s guess. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian, but her stuck up attitude and insistence on jack feigning gay for comic hijinks means she was self loathing and evil. Probably.

Fast forward for 30 years of Janet doing nothing and it turns out she spent those three decades drinking like a saucy little fish. Once her bender was nicely tied on back in 2009 she went for a bit of a drive right past a police barricade. Cops, able to spot a drunken celebrity at 100 yards, gave her a field sobriety test and then this mugshot as a souvenir.

Danny Pintauro – We’re stretching the limits of what constitutes crimes for this entry by including something that’s not explicitly a crime. Or, you know, not at all. But it’s worth noting because Danny Pintauro, who at one time actually got to touch Alyssa Milano when he starred on Who’s the Boss, grew up to be a guy who trolls for sex on the internet. He grew up to be us!! Ha ha ha!! F*cker!

In his online ad, Pintauro says he’s “sexy, passionate, fun, verbal, obedient (and) open to anything” which is split right down the middle between normal stuff you might say in personal ad and scary shit you say to the kinds of people who beat you with riding crops. He then opted to include photos of himself bare ass naked holding his own junk. You’d think he grew up to be Tony Danza or something equally as depressing.

Jodie Sweetin – Remember how you never liked anyone on Full House and couldn’t even come close to explaining why the goddamn show was on TV for like 8 seasons? Yeah. Anyway, tangentially related to that is middle girl, Jodie Sweetin, turned into just a rabid druggie.

According to something or other, little Stephanie Tanner got awfully bored after Full House went off the air and opted to spend her days eating, licking, snorting, smoking and cramming suppositories made from meth. And what happened after that? An intervention featuring the Olsen twins and John Stamos. Now, an addiction to meth is tragic and all, and probably happens to a good number of celebrities, but who can begin to grasp the surreal madness of an intervention with the Olsen twins and John Stamos? That’s right down the Hollywood rabbit hole, man. That and a threesome with Roseanne and John Goodman are about the most terrifying things you can experience in the 80’s sitcom landscape.

Richard Quest – If you’re not aware of who Richard Quest is, it may be for two reasons; either you don’t watch much CNN, or you’re the kind of person who doesn’t tie up their dick with rope, jam a dildo in your boot and then go for a walk in the park.

If you were hoping we wouldn’t get more specific with this story, then this paragraph will disappoint you. Quest was arrested at almost 4 in the morning in Central Park. He had a pocketful of meth, an unidentified sex toy in his shoe and a rope tied around his neck that went down to his junk. There’s really nothing else to say about this.