Today began as an average day. We all woke up, drank our coffee, ate our breakfast, and went to work, while at all times knowing for a fact that today was going to be the most normal and uneventful of days.
But then…the news broke…the news that will radically alter the path of the human race from now until we start mating with alien creatures from distant galaxies: scientists have cross-bred two different types of chili pepper to produce a single pepper that will put an end to humanity’s costly arms race to develop a pepper that’s perfect for making deep fried jalapeno poppers.
If you’re hearing this news for the first time and you just shit your pants, everyone at Holy Taco would just like to tell you that it’s okay — we all shit our pants on this fine day, for today was the day we reached the pinnacle of human ingenuity and climbed to the top of the mountain of theoretical deep fried appetizer biochemistry and engineering. We have finally become a species worthy of entering the Galactic Federation of Planets. So when the millions of alien races invite us to their welcoming party, we will not fear being somehow looked down upon for not bringing a platter of snacks for everyone to munch on. No; we will hold our heads up high and hoist our decorative, Target-purchased tray of jalapeno poppers and declare, “We present you with the apex of spicy-fruit-stuffed-with-cream-cheese technology!” And then we will say, “And yes, jalapenos are a fruit!! We just looked it up ON WIKIPEDIA!!” as we are showered with cheers and freaky alien panties flung from slutty alien chicks.
They will chew. They will bow at our mighty feet. We will be the lords of the universe!
For those of you that still have absolutely no clue as to what the hell I’m talking about, here’s a direct quote from Popular Science so earth-shattering that it will surely unleash pounds of fecal matter from your bowels:
“The New Mexico State University chile pepper breeding program has bred a wholly new, extra large, medium-hot jalapeno pepper precisely optimized for jalapeno poppers—jalapenos stuffed with cheese and deep fried.”
The new pepper, named “NuMex Jalmundo” (because why wouldn’t you give it a name that sounds like it could be a character in Star Trek?), is a hybrid of a bell pepper and a jalapeno. The pepper’s body is large and wide, perfect for scooping infinite amounts of creamy cream cheese in to…or maybe like two tablespoons. I don’t know. Science has yet to pin down a precise amount that can be scooped in. But it’s definitely somewhere between infinity and two.
Regardless, this is a momentous day for humans. While our children’s children’s children may not understand the societal impact this breakthrough had on us today, they will, deep within the cream cheesy fiber of their being, thank us for paving the path to their perfect lives.