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Stop Yelling at Walruses: A PSA

Dear World,

I am a walrus.  I frolic in the sea like a majestic fatty.  I eat shrimp and crabs and sea cucumbers like your Japanese royalty and your Kardashians.  I have tusks and when I hump it is beautifully awkward.  I am the most beautiful thing in all of nature.  Respect me.

Lately, my life has been hard.  I try to frolic in the sea but when I do I hear things like BOOOOOOM and KRA-BOOOOOF and ZERMAZERM!  These sounds are not natural in my graceful, undersea world.  These are the sounds of man sucking.  Sucking so hard.  Stop sucking so hard, man.

You see, world, the sanctity of the sea is at risk.  Not from pollution, or rising temperatures, or over fishing.  I man, yes, obviously from those, but a newer, more insidious enemy has appeared.  Noise pollution.  Underwater noise pollution.  Now you may be thinking “this is the dumbest shit I have ever heard of” but I shush you with my beauteous flipper.  No, it is not the dumbest shit, because why would a PSA about it exist if it were dumb shit.

Listen, landlocked humans, stop driving you SUVs through the ocean.  Stop farting in the tub, it vibrates down the pipes and by the time it gets to the Arctic Ocean is sounds like the death rattle of Leviathan.  Stop dynamite fishing for narwhal.  Use a bow and arrow instead.  And hey, maybe whisper when you have sex on the beach.

Only you can prevent me from being distracted as I plow my harem of lady walruses.  Stop being loud bitches.



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