If there’s one thing we like to do more than spending way to much time looking for hot girl pics on the internet, it’s argue about really stupid things. This week, we’re arguing about who we’d rather fight: 25 5-year olds with knives, or 25 100-year olds with knives:
Stupid Argument for the Fighting the 5-Year Olds With Knives:
I want to fight kids so bad that I have to restrain myself whenever I walk past a schoolyard or a daycare center. I’m just itching for any reason to beat up a little kid, and I mean really beat them up. I’m talking about punching and kicking with full force, not that restrained "I’m fighting with little kids at the mall again" force that you usually have to use. I want to kick some serious kid ass. 25 of those kids running at me with knives is a perfect, completely justifiable excuse to do just that, and I’d certainly rather fight kids than old people. Sure, little kids have a lot of energy and old people don’t. But old people have experience on their side. There’s a good chance that many of the old people you’d be fighting in this situation have been in knife fights before, or at least know how to handle a knife after 100 years of life. A 5-year old kid, on the other hand, probably hasn’t even held a knife before, let alone been in an actual knife fight. 5-year old kids also weigh about 45 pounds. That’s the perfect weight for something that I’m about to kick the shit out of. Old people are brittle, and once you knock them down they’re probably going to break a hip or slip a disc and stay down, but old people are a hell of a lot heavier than kids are. Have you ever seen a 5-year old run? They just lean their big fat heads forward and follow the momentum. They’re basically just scrambling under their giant head-weight to not fall the whole time, so as long as you aim for the head, their body will follow and they’ll be super-easy to knock down. Sure, they’ll probably get back up, and I should hope they do. I’m planning on beating the living shit out of these kids. If they stay down after the first round-kick to the throat, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. Also, old people are really creepy. I’d definitely rather fight kids than old people.
Stupid Argument for Fighting the 100-Year Olds with Knives:
I’d much rather fight 25 100-year olds with knives that 25 5-year olds, and it comes down to this: knowing your enemy. 5-year olds are full of piss and vinegar. 100-year olds smell like piss and vinegar. The difference in energy levels alone makes this an easy decision. Have you ever been around a 5-year old? How about two 5-year olds? They feed off of each other’s energy. Those little f*ckers have the alertness and stamina of a crackhead, and they’re twice as mischievous. If a 5-year old is determined to stab you, he’s going to come at you like a banshee and not stop until your flesh is torn apart. A 100-year old might forget what he’s even doing with the knife and just start whittling or slicing up an apple he had in his pocket. You’re much better off fighting an extremely old person. They’re slow and not very agile, and the ones that can walk on their own just basically shuffle around, with their shit-filled diapers bunching up with every step and making it harder for them to attack. They’re weak and brittle; you could break their hip with a swift kick to their high-waisted pants, or crack their sternum with a single jab to the chest. Their skin is paper-thin and their blood doesn’t clot properly. The knives they wield can easily be taken away and used against them. Even the smallest of cuts on a 100-year old person would cause bleeding to the point of unconsciousness. You can also scare old people by playing loud rap music or telling them you’re dating a minority, throwing them completely off of their game. Having 100 5-year olds swarming around you would be like cracking open a hornets’ nest: sure, you can swat at them like Godzilla and hope to maybe overpower a few of them, but their energy and persistence will soon overcome any effort you put up, and every attempt to keep them at bay would fail. You’d eventually end up lying in a pool of your own blood while the children dance around you to a cleaned up, educational version of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" I’d take the old people any day.
What Do You Think? Would You Rather Fight 25 5-Year Olds With Knives, or 25 100-Year Olds With Knives?