If there’s one thing we like more than being told not to call things "Drunken
" on this site anymore, it’s arguing about really stupid things, like who would win if Amy Winehouse
fought Lady Gaga
to the death:
Stupid Argument that Lady Gaga Would Win:
First off, don’t underestimate Lady Gaga. Just because she’s blonde and appears super girly doesn’t mean she can’t fight
. She was raised in New York and began her career playing bars on Bleeker St. That being said, I’m sure she was involved in her fair share of bar fights. Just look at her: she clearly has a boxer’s nose. Put her and Mickey Rourke side-by-side in a line up and I dare you to pick out who’s who. Lady Gaga also has sobriety on her side in this fight, because I assume we’re talking about fighting
a normal (read: drunk) Amy Winehouse here. Obviously, Winehouse’s reflexes are going to be slowed from all the booze and drugs, making it easy for Gaga to strike vicious blows on her scabby face. If that weren’t enough, Winehouse just got a boob job. The stitches aren’t even out. It’d be like fighting a drunk Bride of Frankenstein. A few jabs by Gaga and you’d have a pair of titties lying on the ground and a drunk Winehouse wondering what happened. I don’t trust either of these chicks, so we can assume that there will be foul play involved: dirty fighting, weapons, eye-gouging, etc. Amy Winehouse is a crackhead, and crackheads always carry crackpipes with them. Broken lightbulbs are also a very common crackhead accessory, and that can also be used as a weapon, so it’s probably safe to assume that Winehouse will be coming at Gaga with a broken lightbulb. This would be a dealbreaker if it weren’t for one variable: Lady Gaga’s wardrobe. Gaga is sure to have some crazy, layered muppet type outfit going on that will undoubtedly provide adequate protection against crack pipe and lightbulb attacks, and also against acidic crackhead saliva. The odds are clearly stacked in Gaga’s favor here, and Winehouse doesn’t stand a chance. Oh, and also…Lady Gaga has a penis. Gaga wins!
Stupid Argument that Amy Winehouse Would Win:
Amy Winehouse would win this fight in about three punches, because Amy Winehouse is a drunk crackhead, and nobody ever wants to fight a crackhead. This is because crackheads are wiley, unpredictable, and completely batshit insane. Lady Gaga dresses up in weird, look-at-me clothes and appeals to gay men. Amy Winehouse is a thuggish brute who appeals to other crackheads, in between getting really f*cked up and kicking the shit out of her boyfriend on a routine basis. The only thing Lady Gaga has ever beaten up is a flamboyant costume designer who told her it’s impossible to make a skin-tight leotard out of live kittens. Both of these chicks are awesome singers, but Lady Gaga is a softy. Amy Winehouse beats the crap out of inanimate objects every f*cking night while she’s scowering her house in desperate search of the heroin she knows she has but can’t find, so beating the shit out of someone who’s dressed like furniture is pretty close to a normal Tuesday night for her. Best of all, she’s not even going to remember it then next day. Also, there’s a pretty good chance that Lady Gaga is going to show up in some retarded costume, and a resourceful crackhead like Amy Winehouse can easily figure out how to use these costume pieces as weapons. If Lady Gaga shows up wearing a slinky hat, Amy will tear those slinkies off and choke Lady Gaga to death with them. If Gaga is sporting a bodysuit made of cupcakes, Amy Winehouse will shove those cupcakes up her ass and then punch her in the back until her intestines rupture. But the most decisive advantage that Amy Winehouse has in this fight is the psychological advantage: Lady Gaga’s livelihood is based around her looking ridiculously bizarre, but still presentable and clean-cut. That’s why she wears stupid outfits, like a solar system hat and a straight jacket that barely covers her vagina, and then knee-high stiletto boots. She’s trying to cover up her ugly face and emphasize her decent legs, her vagina, and possibly a tiny hermaphrodite cock. Her body is her moneymaker, and if any of that gets f*cked up, she’s out of business. There’s no way that won’t be weighing on her mind going into the fight. Amy Winehouse doesn’t have to worry about this at all, because people are surprised whenever she doesn’t look like she just got the shit beaten out of her. In fact, this fight is going to be so easy for Amy that she’s going to have to punch herself in the face a couple of times, and maybe burn herself with a few cigarettes just to avoid raising eyebrows afterward. Anyway, I don’t think she can be hurt, because her body is completely pickled by now. She’s like a mummy or Keith Richards. Amy’s got this one in no more than tree punches, two of which will be self-inflicted. This fight goes to Winehouse, no contest.
So, Who Do You Think Would Win if Amy Winehouse Fought Lady Gaga To The Death?