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America Doesn’t Have the World’s Fattest Kids…But We’re Pretty Damn Close

motivational-poster-mcdonalds-fat-kid-flubber

Oh, so I guess all you fat-ass Italian and Greek kids think you’re BETTER than us, huh??

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God Has Nothing to Do With the Super Bowl, You F***ing Idiots

crop_Football-Jesus

If you really believe God is omnipotent and benevolent, answer a question for us: Why does God’s plan for the human race include football?

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25 Differences Between Canadian and American Thanksgiving

canada-thanksgiving-turkey

This weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada. Did you Canadians have Thanksgivng in October? Ya do now. But what’s the big idea, why a month early?

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Oh, Snap! Iran Is Sending Us a Toy Model of Our Own Downed Drone

Iran_Drone

Remember when one of our spy drones crash landed in Iran and Iran refused to give it back? Well, there’s been a new development in this silly tale. Iran has announced that they will be sending the crashed drone back to us, but it won’t be the same d…

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13 Ways America Can Brush Off The Fact That Iran Has One of Our Drones

Iran Drone

Iran as captured one of our prized technologically advanced UAV drones. This makes our already contentious relationship with Iran a bit…awkward. In situations like this it’s always fun to imagine how the United States, a country filled with over 30…

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As Americans Get Fatter, Our Ability To Care Lowers

Fat Kids

Remember back in 1990 when you were just coming out of your Andrew McCarthy phase, you always bumped your Deee-Lite cassette tape, completely wearing out the section of tape that held “Grove Is In The Heart”, and you weighed an average of 180 pound…

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Which President Should Be The Next To Get Their Face Chiseled On To Mount Rushmore?

Mount Rushmore

Yesterday, October 31st, 2011, marked the 70th anniversary of the completion of Mount Rushmore, that wonderful tourist trap in South Dakota featuring the faces of four of America’s greatest presidents — George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Th…

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Unknown Facts About Johnny Appleseed

JohnnyAppleseed

Today, September 26th is Johnny Appleseed day. Did you know that? Probably not. Did you also know that Johnny Appleseed planted all those seeds because a woman broke his heart? That’s the short explanation for why a man might spend his adult …

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The Verdict Is In, Bro: Americans Are The Coolest

CoolObama

That’s right everyone, according to the rest of the world, Americans are the coolest. Here’s the part where I lower my ray-bans, say “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know,” and light up a smoke. A social networking sit…

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Screw Planking! India Has Invented Train Surfing!

Train Surfing

As you are probably well aware, American companies have been sending American jobs to Indian for the past few decades, and it’s only getting worse. I guess. I have no factual data to back that up. But it is a thing that I hear angry people on the n…

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10 Reasons To Be Satisfied With America

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A recent gallup poll has revealed that only 11% of Americans are satisfied with the country’s condition. It’s pretty understandable considering what we’re used to. We’ve made some serious downgrades in the last few years, bu…

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