Lego Makes Frightening Celebrity Lego People

Lego people are pretty awesome. They’re basically the only toy people that a)allow you to just remove their hair and b) always have their hands cupped in the jerking off position.  The latter provided me with literally hundreds of hours of entertainment when I was little as I’d take a lego guy and walk up to my brother and his girlfriend when they’d make out, and start moving the lego guys hand back and forth towards it’s crotch and saying in a high pitched lego voice “yeah, yeah, do that shit.  Do it.  Niiiice.  Don’t stop..”  Then his girlfriend would go “ew, you’re brother’s disgusting”  he’d come and tie me to our fig tree for a while.  Totally worth it though.  Anyway, as much as I love Legos, I have to say, Lego really crapped the bed on this one.  Entertainmentwise.com reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are amongst a host of celebs who have been made into Lego figures.

The Hollywood golden couple are even holding baby Lego characters to represent two of their many offspring.

Why did lego make Angelina Jolie and Amy Winehouse look like angry ducks, and make Brad Pitt look like he just realized he entered a women’s bathroom.  I love that they gave Lego Winehouse tattoos.  I think she should have also come with Lego crack rock fits inside her Lego asshole when the Lego police arrive.

Anyway, I started thinking that maybe they should take other toys and make celebrity versions of them.  Like, I think they should give Jennifer Garner a Master of The Universe version of herself.

That’s far more accurate than the Lego Angelina.

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Angelina Jolie Asks Porn Star For Career Advice

Sometimes you’ll see a story that’s so clearly invented by a publicist and leaked in hopes of making their clients seem super “Hip” and “edgy” and “not shitty.” This is one of those stories. Celebslam.com reports:

Apparently Angelina Jolie is friends with hardcore porn star Tera Patrick. Jolie’s been emailing Patrick lately seeking advice on her career, a source told the New York Post:

“They are friends and keep in touch via e-mail. She and Angie have a girl-talk thing going. After seeing reports that she’ll land the lead role [as Catwoman in the next Batman movie], Jolie asked Patrick what she thought. Tera had such insights into the role that Jolie cracked, ‘You should do it!’

I’m guessing this mysterious source also added “Sometimes she and Tera talk when they’re naked in their beds.  Isn’t that sexy?  Doesn’t that make you remember how sexy she is and how you want to see her in movies, and help you to forget about the boring humanitarian shit she’s doing that is killing her box office numbers?  I think it does!”

If this were true and not a planted story, I’m hoping the e-mail chain would look something like this:

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Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Have Baby, Will Show

I love when people are like “Oh my God, you HAVE to see this picture of my baby,” and then they show me the picture and it’s just their baby, lying there.  This is not okay.  If a friend came up to  you and was like “Oh my God, you HAVE to see this picture of my husband Bob,” and it’s just a picture of Bob lying on his back, you’d be like “What the f*&k am I looking at here?  Why did I have to see this?”  So when people go apeshit over Angelina and Brad’s baby pictures, I don’t get it.  People.com reports:

They are just 3 weeks old, but twins Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline are about to take the world by storm.

“It is chaos, but we are managing it and having a wonderful time,” Jolie tells PEOPLE

I was really hoping when she said “it is chaos,” that the next sentence was going to be “one of them keeps shitting on my coffee table.  We don’t even know how he gets on there.  We think they figured out how to ride the dog or something.  I wish every morning I could shove them back into my vagina.”

People magazine paid something around 12 million dollars for these photos reportedly.  Meaning they either think they’re going to sell that many more magazines, or that if they didn’t get these photos, this was the cover they were going to have to run:

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Angelina Jolie

Age: 33

Where you’ve seen her: Jesus, Angelina Jolie is just about everywhere. From her new crappy movie about assassins who can make bullets curve to breast feeding every orphan on the Serengeti, if you’ve been alive in the last five years, you’ve seen Angelina Jolie.

MILF status: Despite already having adopted 2/3rds of the world’s children, Angelina just gave birth to two more. Twins named Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. The photos of these two new babies are expected to fetch up to $20 million. Which makes total sense, because all babies look really really different.

Pointless quote: “I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I’ll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don’t taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.”

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Jolie Hospital Room Pics Are Fake

Apparently people thought the picture above was of a pregnant Angelina Jolie in her hospital room, very close to giving birth. I can’t understand how anyone thought that. To me it looks like this picture was snapped in New Orleans right after someone tried to toss beads towards some hot college coed and a pregnant chick caught them. But just to clarify, it’s not Angelina Jolie. Usmagazine.com reports:

Last Thursday, photos surfaced of a pregnant woman who resembled the actress, 33, at Lenval Hospital in Nice, France.

But a hospital rep tells the Associated Press: “It is impossible to see into Mr. Brad Pitt and Mrs. Angelina Jolie’s room. This is not Mr. Brad Pitt or Mrs. Angelina Jolie in them.”

It is impossible to see inside Angelina Jolie’s room and I’ll tell you why; it’s filled with a bunch of really angry orphans from a third world country that are pissed they didn’t get adopted.

Being sarcastic is no way to get adopted.

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Angelina Jolie Wants You To Smell Like Her

I think I smell pretty good. Like, if I were to rate how I smell on a scale of NBA power forwards, I would say my smell is the Kevin Garnett of smells: Most of the time really good, but any time there’s pressure, it gets bad and I have to hope someone who smells really good is near me to drown out my stink. In those times that I’ve been stinky, I’ve never thought “man, I really wish I smelled like (insert celebrity person).”  So I don’t really get the people who buy celebrity perfume. Apparently though, there are a lot of people who do, and Angelina Jolie is hoping to cash in. The daily telegraph reports:

heavily pregnant Jolie is said to be working with French fragrance house Coty - the company that launched Sarah Jessica Parker’s signature scents - to create her own line of products

A source tells British newspaper The Mail on Sunday, “Angelina wants a very strong input.  She wouldn’t want a fragrance that she didn’t feel encapsulates her.”

The source went on to say “If I think of a douchier quote than that, I’ll call you.  Don’t expect a call.”  A fragrance that encapsulates her?  Is that what a perfume is supposed to do?  That would mean my perfume would smell like Carne Asada, the San Diego Chargers, and diarrhea jokes.  Luckily, I was sent an advance copy of the perfume bottle, and I must say, I stand corrected, it really does capture her.

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Angelina Jolie Had Her Kids. Wait, No She Didn’t

When I was in sixth grade, there was a rumor floating around that once when my Dad dropped me off at school, he parked and walked into the kindergarten bathrooms and used one of their tiny tiny toilets to take a shit, and subsequently plugged it up, then walked into the Kindergarten classroom while it was going on and interrupted the teacher, in the middle of her teaching the class, to say “you might want to do something about your bathroom, it ain’t working any more.”  Unfortunately, that rumor proved to be true.  But, most rumors are not.  For example, today there was a rumor that Angelina Jolie had her twins.  Untrue.  People.com reports:

Contrary to a flurry of recent reports that Angelina Jolie has delivered her twins, PEOPLE confirms that the rumors are not true.

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

I can’t wait until there’s a report every day saying she’s had her baby, then every afternoon a denial.  Then after a month of that, she really will have her baby but no one will believe her.  Then a wolf will eat it.  Hmm,  I think I have that fable mixed up, not sure.  Anyway, I think people should have realized this report was false when these baby photos were released:

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Jolie-Pitt Kids May Be Terrified

When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad said my brothers would act as if they were pregnant, then my oldest brother would pretend to birth a throw pillow out of his shorts, while my other brother would grab the pillow and pretend to be the voice of the baby/pillow and go “Look at me!  I’m a stupid baby that can’t talk but I still get to have my own room even though my brothers are way bigger and now have to share a room.  I hate myself and am stupid.”  Lucky for the Jolie-Pitt twins, their future brothers and sisters seem to be happily awaiting their arrival.  People.com reports:

Expectant mom Angelina Jolie says her kids are pretending to be pregnant!

“Our three-year-old and four-year-old keep saying they have animals in their bellies,” Jolie told the UK’s GMTV.

The actress continued, “Our daughter keeps saying that she’s got little piggies and she has to eat brownies because the piggies need to eat brownies. And our four-year-old says he’s got monkeys. So it’s become fun in the house.”

Laugh it up Angelina, but apparently you’ve never seen a horror movie before, because that’s how that shit starts.  Little kid says something and no one believes them, then suddenly you’re sleeping at night and you roll over to kiss Brad and his head rolls away because he’s been decapitated.  Then you scream and turn on the light and there’s a bunch of monkeys and pigs going ape-shit in your bedroom, thirsty for blood.  Then you’ll wish you’d listened.

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Angelina And Brad Take The Kids Boating

I remember once when I was 6, it was Sunday morning and my mom said to my dad, “I think the county fair is going on, you should take Justin out to see the horses.”  Apparently though, my dad’s interpretation of that was “I think there’s satellite wagering going on at the Caliente sports book in Tijuana, you should have Justin sit quietly next to you and color in cocktail napkins while you wager on horse races happening 3000 miles away.”  I tell you this to make the point that sometimes your parents take you to do shit you just don’t want to do.   Popsugar.com reports:

It’s quite the life of luxury for the Jolie-Pitt family over in France. This evening, Angelina and Brad took Pax and Maddox, adorable in their life jackets, on a boat right out to Paul Allen’s yacht for a little evening trip.

Boating and hanging out on Paul Allen’s yacht may seem cool, but when you’re six, it’s probably boring as hell.  If you’re Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kid, there’s only so many times you can hear someone tell your parents how awesome they thought Mr. And Mrs. Smith was before you want to reach your little hand up and do some damage to the nearest adult nutsack.  That’s why I think for situations like these, Brangelina should use their vast resources and contacts to hire mini actors to play their children.  Imagine something like this:

It would be Devito’s greatest role.

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Brad And Angelina Most Influential Couple

Time released it’s list of the world’s 100 most influential people, and the highest ranking couple on the list, coming in at #21, was Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Here’s what George Clooney says about them:

“they have tended to the poor and sick in Africa” and how they shelled out $1 million for the victims in Darfur, among other humanitarian efforts.

I wonder if after this came out, Brad Pitt turned to Angelina and was like “there, we did it.  We’re on the f*&king list, can we stop this now?  I just want to bang the crap out of you without having to go feed some kid with flies all over him.”

Adds Clooney, “The couple cares for three adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, in addition to their biological daughter.

I’m gonna have to agree with their ranking on the influential list because before them, nobody was adopting kids from weird places.  Now, if you don’t have to get 9 different vaccinations before you go check out your adoptee, you’re way uncool.  The more ethnically diverse the orphan, the better.  Somewhere in an orphanage in Toledo, Ohio, a bunch of kids are crowded around one beat up copy of Time Magazine with Brangelina in it and going “you motherf*&kers.”

Anyway, I sort of figure these two are going to be the most influential couple for at least a couple years, unless a brand new couple comes on the scene.  But it’d have to be two pretty big stars.  Maybe something like this:

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