February 25th, 2008 | 03:22
If you feel like the opposite sex always beats you to the figurative punch in an argument, use this cheat sheet to help you fight like a chick (with the small possibility of actually winning).
5. Talk Non-Stop
The reason girls win so many arguments is because they’re generally doing all the talking. You’re usually sitting there silently trying to remember what baseball game is on in an hour, or if you washed your balls in the shower this morning. Next time you fight, try stringing 10 sentences together of whatever nonsense comes into your head. This will distract her. For example:
YOU: I would like to tell you how this makes me feel.
GIRLFRIEND: How what makes you feel? You’re the one that completely forgot Valentine’s Day.
YOU: Sherry, you’re not listening to me. This really hurts me. Every time you try to talk to me about something, I feel like you’re attacking me. It’s making me hurt inside. I’m trying to express it to you, but I don’t know if you’re listening. It’s hard for me to feel these things sometimes. And then I feel like you’re not listening, and attacking. Just attacking and doing a lot of not listening. Are you listening to me? I feel like you don’t hear me. Please just listen.
4. Work up some salty discharge (In your eyes, not your pants.)
You know the drill: Just when you start winning an argument, your girlfriend starts the waterworks. This usually makes you feel bad, and then you just let her win. This time, pull out your own bag of saline tricks. If you’re not sure if you’re capable of expressing any emotion, try this method: Start concentrating on something very sad a couple minutes before you think she might be getting somewhere (IE: The Bears re-signing Rex Grossman; Your penis falling off), and think about having gonorrhea all over your body…and diarrhea all over your gonorrhea. If that doesn’t do the trick, just turn on The View.
argue like a girl, How-to
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