Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Likes Money A Lot

Remeber when you’d get into a fight with your dad because he’d walk into the living room naked when you were had friends over and when you’d tell him why that wasn’t cool he’d respond with “I ain’t wearing clothes around my house.  I grew up on a farm in Kentucky.  If you got sissy friends who are interested in seeing your dad naked, that’s your problem?”  No?  That was just me?  Hmmm.  Anyway, it could have been much worse.  Page six reports:

Joe Simpson, is trying to cash in on the baby-crazed trend in celebrity magazines - but he’s having a difficult time. A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover.

Wait, it gets better.  Wait for it…waaaaait for it…..

“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe.”

Niiiiice.  I imagine that photo shoot will be amongst the creepiest in history.  Probably on the level of “Serial Killer taking photos of bound and gagged victim right before torturing them to death.”  I’m imagining there’ll be lots of “all right, squeeze your titties up real high like for daddy just like he promised Usweekly you would.”

I think at this point, Joe Simpson is more than just assured a spot in the fiery pits of hell.  I think probably Satan just comes over to hang out with him, maybe play golf or something.

At first I was going to try and have Satan in all his glory, but somehow it just made me happier to think maybe Satan has to wear a suit and tie to work.  I’m losing my mind.

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Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz To Grow Baby

Jessica Simpson’s vagina is going to be soooooo jealous.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, a source confirmed to Usmagazine.com.

The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.

There is no WAY evolution would be cool with these two procreating.  No way.  I’ve played Oregon Trail enough to know that without modern medicine and technology, evolution takes care of  these two by either way of dysentery or being eaten by a bear.  And trust me, we don’t want to start pissing off evolution.  It might do something crazy like combine a grizzly bear with a monkey and then we’ll all be f-ed.  I ain’t being no grizmonkely bear’s bitch.  What the f*&k am I talking about?

Anyway, I kind of think these two look alike anyway.  I was going to do some elaborate photoshop where I combined their features to show what their baby might look like, but when I did the first step of putting Wentz’s head on Simpson’s body, I went to lunch.  And when I came back I swear to you I thought I hadn’t yet put his head on her body.  It wasn’t after closer inspection that I realized I had.  Take a look.

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Ashlee Simpson To Wed Tiny Creature

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (pictured here uninterested at Ashley’s offer of a hand job), are now getting married.  People.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married, they announced Wednesday.

Simpson’s father, Joe, tells PEOPLE he’s “totally happy” and “so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family.”

“We are blessed,” he says.

That’s only part of the quote from Joe Simpson.  I think the rest of it said “Now I can take the earning power I harness by exploiting my teenage daughter’s breasts and vagina and combine it with the the profit potential of this boy’s effeminate good looks to finally reach the elusive gay and european audiences.  The world will be mine!  MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”    Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

In other news, this may be the physically tiniest couple in the world.  Surpassing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  Look at this picture of them standing next to Brad and Angelina:

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