Let’s face it, baseball can be a slow-moving and tedious game to watch. If you’re, say, 18-months-old, it may be difficult to follow the mental chess-game that’s taking place on the field. Do you really expect a toddler comprehend the little nuances of a pitcher setting a batter up with a curveball so he can blow a fastball right by him? No. So the baby’s going to get a little bored. And what better way to kill a little boredom than by giving yourself a mohawk, chilling with the mascot and knocking back a few stadium brews.
Even though Alex Rodriguez can’t come through in the clutch, apparently his sperm can. People.com reports:
Rodriguez, 32, was with his wife Cynthia, 34, as she gave birth to the couple’s second daughter, born Monday night in Miami, his team announced.
The baby, whose name has not been revealed, weighed 7 lbs., 2 oz.
It’s also been reported that the baby poked his head out of Cynthia’s vagina and refused to come out and live as a Rodriguez family member until they agreed to sign him to a contract of 18 years, 770 million dollars with additional incentives including a promise that he’ll be breast fed till he’s 6 and will not be forced to make doo doos like a big boy until he feels he’s ready.
I’m trying to think of what in the hell A-Rod would name his baby. Will he give it a normal name like “Daniel Rodriguez” or will he give it one of those cooky celebrity baby names like “Icanthitworthagoddamnshitintheplayoffs Rodriguez.”
Anyway, I obtained a photo of the newborn. Let’s take a look see!
We all know babies are pretty stupid. They crap their pants, they drool all over themselves and they only speak in forced grunts or high-pitched squeals. But I must admit, I’m pretty jealous that babies can go to a museum and get away with cramming fake breasts into their mouths. I can only do that at strip clubs. And it costs me $20. (Hepatits shots are no charge at the free clinic.)
Wait, wait wait. Do I put my infant in the dumpster or do I give it to the nurse and the fireman? I just wish there was a sign that would give me an answer.
Maybe it’s time to pass a few “You Must Be This Smart To Be A Parent” laws. According to upi.com:
Police in Commerce City, Colo., said a man who created a disturbance at his ex-girlfriend’s job was upset about her choice of street gang for their child.
Officers said Joseph Manzanares, 19, who was fined $810 after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct, knocked over a computer and a magazine stand at the Hollywood Video, which employs his ex-girlfriend.
A police report said the woman told officers she split with Manzanares, the father of her child, because they have “different ideas about how the baby should be raised.” Officer David Swift said he asked the woman to be more specific, and she explained that the parents belong to different street gangs.
“They could not agree on which gang the baby would claim,” Swift said.
Some parents spend their child’s formative years prepping them to get into the right pre-school to help their chances of getting into Harvard or Princeton. Others want to make sure their child is a full-fledged member of the Crips before it can walk. You say tomato, I say pleasecallchildservicesimmediately.
Remember those days when you’re baby didn’t know who its daddy was? Well, if you went on the Maury Povich show, gave a little DNA, and waited for Maury to tell you the results on the air, you definitely know which guy’s sperm fertilized your egg (and honestly, it’s really really really hard to tell sometimes.)
Now that you know, why not dress up your little whore-spawn in a cute onesie that says “I Met My Daddy On Maury.” Because your child is never too young to know that his/her parents are trashy people who will throw their integrity away for a fleeting chance to be on television. Available in future felony blue or future porn fluffer pink!
If I had 10 million dollars, there’s a lot of things I would buy; a monkey, a house, a house for the monkey, a mint chocolate chip ice cream factory. But I definitely wouldn’t spend any of my ten million on f-ing baby pictures. Nypost.com reports:
The celebrity baby photo market just keeps getting crazier, and the newest estimate is that the Jolie-Pitts could fetch up to $10 million for the first photos of their new twins.
10 Million Dollars for baby pictures?! For that much, not only should they give you the baby itself, but the baby should already be trained to do shit like fix cars and get rid of telemarketers. You know what, screw that, for 10 million, I’ll have scientists make me a super baby from celebrity DNA. Here’s what it would look like:
So today is the first anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, and people.com reports Larry Birkhead, her former lover, and father of her baby, left Anna Nicole a note on his website.
Anna Nicole Smith I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF OUR BABY GIRL. PLEASE WATCH OVER US AND GUIDE US ON Y OUR JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. WE MISS YOU.
2-8-07
LOVE,
LARRY AND DANNIE LYNN
Apparently Larry was having a little trouble with the caps lock. Now, I’m not here to shit all over the memory of Anna Nicole. I think Anna Nicole shit all over her life, so there’s no further shitting to be done on the memories. But I ask you, look at the picture above. The baby looks about as happy as my cat when I give it a bath. Not to mention, if you notice, Birkhead has put her in a shirt that says “Who’s Your Daddy?” Yes, it’s always hilarious when we put our babies in shirts that mock a vicious battle for their custody. Is there any chance this kid isn’t going to turn out COMPLETELY F-ED up? Can vegas give us odds for this?
I used to think babies were disgusting little slimy things that were either shitting or snotting or puking. But after seeing the affect they have on Christina Aguilera’s mid-section, I’ve really come around to the idea of having a little one. In fact, I’m going to go out and see how many girls I can get pregnant right now.
Becoming a parent is one of the scariest things you can ever do in your life. You have so many questions, but nowhere to find the answers. Do you take it to the doctor whenever it has a fever? How often should you feed it? How long do you keep it in the dryer? All these are standard questions any new parent would want to ask. Luckily, the lads over at c00lstuff.com have put together an easy to read (well, it’s mostly pictures) guide to what to do and, more importantly, what not to do with your newborn infant.
See tons more of these hilariously helpful parenting tips at c00lstuff.com.
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