Here’s my problem with phone sex: I’m never exactly sure when a dirty question a girl asks is rhetorical or something she actually wants me to answer, so the few times I’ve tried it, I’ve ended up killing the mood because she’ll say something like “How do you make me so wet” and I won’t answer because I think it’s rhetorical, but she’ll keep asking until finally I say “Um, I don’t know, probably a combination of things?” MOOD KILLED. But, apparently Kevin Federline is a lot better at it than me. Starmagazine.com reports:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have been having weekly steamy phone sex sessions.
Recently, when Britney was having a sleepless night, she decided to call Kevin at nearly 2 a.m. While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!
Wait, so, let me understand this. They were talking about their children and the conversation shifted towards phone sex? Wow, that’s impressive that they can shift like that. Also very creepy. How does that even work? Does it go like this?
KEVIN: So, Jayden’s doing good. He’s had a little rash on his bum bum but I put some cream on that.
BRITNEY: Oh yeah, you put some cream on his bum bum?
KEVIN: Yeah that’s right girl, I put some cream alllllll over his bum bum. His bum bum was straight COVERED in cream, girl.
BRITNEY: Maybe you can put some of your cream all OVER my bum bum?
And then you can imagine where it goes from there. He puts the cream on her bum bum.
This is what happens when you go bat shit crazy. People.com reports:
A court granted Britney Spears‘ father on Monday the power to “sell or dispose of” an undisclosed number of her seven cars, documents show.
Lawyers for Jamie Spears stated that the cost of maintaining the fleet of vehicles was too expensive and that the sale of “a certain of” her cars “will save substantial expense to the conservatorship estate.
Lawyers also stated that Jamie Spears was “Short on beer money” and that “Strippers don’t tip themselves if ya know whatta I mean.” So of course, who wouldn’t want to own a car previously owned by Britney Spears? Just check out this advertisement on AutoTrader that her dad put up:
Remember when the first USA Dream Team roster was released and we found out that Jordan and Bird were going to be on the same basketball team? Well, this is kind of like that, except replace basketball with being batshit crazy. People.com reports:
Mel Gibson and Britney Spears have met a number of times since Spears checked out from her second hospitalization last month, a source tells PEOPLE.
“Mel and his wife Robin clearly saw a woman in crisis and wanted to extend themselves in any way possible,” the source says.
Britney and Mel hanging out and chatting? Man, if only I could be a non-appetizing looking, non-Jewish fly on the wall for that conversation. I would imagine it would go something like this:
MEL:Hey Britney, how are you feeling?
BRITNEY:I’m feeling well. Is that your dog? I’d like to try and fit him in my anus and then sing the national anthem. If that’s okay with you of course.
MEL:Sure, that’s not even my dog, it’s my neighbors. I agreed to watch him because I know he’s actually a key agent taking part in a global Jewish conspiracy. I was just going to kill him and eat his soul in a few hours anyway.
BRITNEY:Then it works out perfect!
MEL and BRITNEY:We’re going to be great friends!
(They stare at each other silently for 10-15 minutes)
I’m looking forward to this pairing. And to commemorate it, I’ve added one of my top ten movie quotes of all time. Enjoy.
If you’ve ever thought, “Man, I really like the Smurfs, whore-ish looking women, and terrible music. If only there was a way to combine them,” then I’ve got some exciting news for you. Usmagazine.com reports:
In “Break the Ice,” an animated Spears works her way through a futuristic environment.
“Since Britney has been otherwise occupied this was a creative and fun way to do her next video,” a source tells Usmagazine.com.
I love that they said “otherwise occupied,” like she had to give someone a ride to the airport. Publicists are awesome. Britney Spears could walk into a homeless shelter and start hurling her own poop at people and the press release would say “Britney’s been helping out a group of transients even though she’s been having some stomach problems.”
Looking at Britney, then looking at the cartoon representation of her, I think maybe they took a few liberties. It’s basically the equivalent of this:
Okay, so originally this was just the song and the pic of Montag, but I DEFY you to give me an example of a time when adding footage of Gorillas humping doesn’t make things better.
So, what you just listened to/watched was a duet of Britney Spears and Heidi Montag. That’s right, they did a song together. An awful, awful song together. I don’t know what it’s called, I don’t care. But getting two of the most titanically stupid people together in a room got me thinking. You remember the show Voltron? Basically Voltron was an ass kicking robot made up of 5 smaller, yet still ass kicking robots. Well, what if I was to build a “Stupid Voltron.” Who would the other three parts of it be? Here’s what I came up with:
Okay, nobody freak out. Britney’s going to be just fine because you guessed it, daddy is here to help. See that guy in the Corona shirt up above who looks like he’s trying to find his pants? That’s daddy. People.com reports:
Jamie Spears (Brit’s dad) won permission Thursday to maintain control of daughter Britney Spears’ estate until at least March 10, and was granted additional powers over her finances.
Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallet have been overseeing her well-being and her estimated $40 million fortune since Feb 1.
A guy named Andrew Wallet has been helping? What the hell kind of name is that? I think that’s what I named my first piggy bank. No, actually I named him Pig E. Bank. I’m not joking. My brother threw it on the ground and then looked at me and said “now it’s Pig E. Broke,” which doesn’t even make sense but still was effective in hurting my feelings.
Anyway, why do I get the feeling when I look at Britney’s dad and hear he’s going to have control of her $40 million dollars that I’m going to see this headline and picture in the newspaper.
Rolling Stone this week released an article about the downfall of Britney Spears, according to people.com. Here’s some of the revelations:
When she was a teen, her mom let her have breast implants.
Surprising, but not totally shocking.
Her dad was an alcoholic
That was shocking much in the same way the ending of Pearl Harbor was shocking.
Through out her career she lobbied to appear sluttier
Great, when she was hot no one would let her appear slutty. Now she looks likes a cross between an inflatable raft and a can of Pringles and nobody says shit when she dresses like a Croation hooker.
She reportedly slept with dancer Wade Robson
Excuse me, what? WHAT?! WADE F-ING ROBSON the competitive dancer?! You’re telling me, when she was smoking hot and she could bang anyone she wanted to, she banged this guy?!:
He looks like someone with cerebral palsy trying to shake a dump out of their pants. I bet even Spencer Pratt thinks Wade Robson is a douchebag. I hate everyone.
I think we finally found the reason behind Britney’s erratic behavior. She’s not crazy. She’s crazy for meth. According to the National Enquirer:
Britney Spears had been on a 24-hour meth binge before she was rushed to the hospital. The drama began at 2 a.m. Wednesday when Britney and Sam Lutfi checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel and she began doing meth.
In addition to her mental problems the ENQUIRER has learned that Britney is addicted to crystal meth, and details her addiction in a front page story this week. Meanwhile, her meth habit played a key role in her recent hospitalization and friends told her mother, Lynne, that she hadn’t slept since last Saturday.
Her drug-taking went on all day, interrupted only by brief dashes to her home.
What’s she going to do next? Start chugging horse tranquilizers while shooting speedballs at Chuck E. Cheese? Actually…that sounds like a perfect Saturday. I’ll brb.
So, we’ve refrained a bit from posting non-stop Britney stories mostly because their headlines are as stupid as this one. But something about this story struck me as retarded.
With pup London in hand, Britney Spears headed to the millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood on Sunday night to work on a new routine, owner Robert Baker tells PEOPLE.
“She’s working on the choreography for her song “Hot as Ice,” Baker said.
“Hot as Ice?” But ice isn’t hot. In fact, it’s really cold. Wait, maybe that’s what she’s trying to say, that some things are sooo cold, that they’re hot. Like dry ice. Or maybe things that are hot at first turn cold? Dude, I don’t even know, my head is going to explode just thinking about this. This is some next level stuff right here. So, already I’m blown away reading that, and then I read this:
“She rehearsed an amazing routine with a chair,” Baker added.
That’s right, not a really good routine, or an exceptional routine, but an amazing routine. Think about that people. When you see a man lift up a car to pull out the person pinned inside, you say, “That was amazing.” That’s how good this chair routine was: “dude lifting ten times his body weight to rescue someone” amazing. Which means, there’s only one routine it could have been: Britney ate the chair.
According to usmagazine.com, Britney Spears spent the last few days in Rosarito, Mexico with her new rented penis, photographer Adnan Ghalib.
The couple arrived in a black SUV at the Rosarito Beach hotel, just south of the Border, at about 3 p.m. Wednesday, according to the Ensenada, mex., newspaper, El Vigia.
“She looked serious and haggard,” a sales clerk told the paper in Spanish. “She didn’t have makeup on.”
Zing! Someone get this sales clerk his own blog! Maybe he can take the url “www.QueTylerDurdenHacen.com.”
If you’ve never been to Rosarito, Mexico, let me describe to you what it’s like: picture a beach, then picture a frat guy throwing up on it while some dude tries to sell him a ceramic Bart Simpson. If you’d like to book a vacation package, visit www.rosarito.org
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