It’s Official: 25% Of Teenage Girls Are Skanky

If you’re about to have sex with a teenage girl, you may want to go find a Cougar, a MILF, a GILF or possibly even a DILF. According to MSNBC:

Researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease.

Only about half of the girls in the study acknowledged having sex. Some teens define sex as only intercourse, yet other types of intimate behavior including oral sex can spread some diseases.

Teens were tested for four infections: human papillomavirus, or HPV, which can cause cervical cancer and affected 18 percent of girls studied; chlamydia, which affected 4 percent; trichomoniasis, 2.5 percent; and genital herpes, 2 percent.

The real tragedy of these findings are our teenage boys. If the boys aren’t in the same STD bracket as the girls, it must mean they’re having less sex. Which means the girls are getting their diseases from older, more disgusting men. When I was a teenage boy, I would’ve killed my family for a chance at getting an STD. So this begs the question: Who will have unprotected sex with our nation’s teenage boys? Won’t someone please think of the male, STD-less children?

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Is Britney Spears A “Piece Of Trash?”

So Britney Spears got a restraining order against her friend Sam Lufti. Usmagazine.com, tell us what it said!

Lynne Spears says she and Jamie Spears went to Britney’s Beverly Hills home on January 28 after hearing that the singer ‘was crying” after getting into a fight with Lufti.

Lynne claims the following.

“Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash, and a whore.”

See, that’s not the most effective order of insults. I picture him saying all that stuff in reverse. Like, if this was a movie on the Lifetime Network, it would have gone down like this:

(The part of Britney Spears will be played by Meredith Baxter Berney. The part of Sam Lufti will be played by T.V.’s Major Dad!, Gerald McCraney.)

LUFTI: Britney, you’re a piece of trash, a whore (stares at her intensely for a beat then…) and an unfit mother.

WHACK! Britney smacks Lufti in the face.

BRITNEY: I may be a piece of trash and a whore, but you’re not taking my daughter with you to Iran.

Whoops, I got confused with Not Without My Daughter, which is also a classic Lifetime film.

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Britney Spears Back To The Crazy House

Every time Britney Spears tries to leave the hospital, THEY PULL HER BACK IN! Actually, she went willingly, I just wanted to make a Godfather III reference. Yesterday she admitted herself to Cedars-Sinai medical center for being crazy or drunk, or whatever was on the checklist when she walked in.

People.com reports:

The pop star went willingly, and she’s “More comfortable” receiving medical care.

“She’ll be in there for at least 72 hours getting evaluated. She might even stay longer,” says the source. “She’s more comfortable this time, she came into the waiting area, had a cigarette, made a joke about being there again.

She made a joke? I wonder what it was. I hope it was a “Yo Mamma” joke. I love those. Maybe, “Yo Mamma’s such a bad parent, her daughters have severe emotional instability and self-esteem problems that cause them to act out by doing narcotics and having intercourse with random men.”

Anyway, I snuck into the hospital, but I only had enough time to snap a pic of the food tray they brought her.

Oh my God! Jon Benet! What a terrible ending to her saga.

[Editor’s note] If making a fake gravestone for Amy Winehouse didn’t assure me a spot in hell, I’m pretty sure insinuating Britney Spears devoured Jon Benet Ramsey’s severed head probably will.

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Judge to Britney Spears: No Kids For You!

Britney Spears was in court today to try and get “therapeutic visitation rights.” In case you don’t know what those are, it’s essentially saying to the judge, “Hey, I’m way too bat-shit crazy to take care of my kids. But maybe if you let me see them just a little bit, it would make me less crazy. Or at least I’d stop taking my doody and rubbing it on things.”

popsugar.com reports:

Unfortunately, Brit never made it to the actual courtroom and had already left the building when Kevin was sworn in. Her lawyer said, “I don’t know whether she’ll be here or not. I don’t want to delay the hearing.”

Nice. It’s always good when you’re lawyer is like “screw it. Let’s just get this crap over with. I get paid either way.” If you want a good measurement as to just how far she’s fallen, she used to be really hot, and now I can put these two pictures together and no one thinks it’s an accident.

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