Jeff Van Gundy’s Really Bad Day

Since we’re off celebrating the girth of our nation by pumping our bodies full of pork meat, beer and anything else we can get our hands on, I thought I’d put up one of my favorite stories of all time. It’s the tale of ex-Knicks coach and all-around hilarious guy Jeff Van Gundy getting his car destroyed by a jet blast from a charter plane. The best part of this story isn’t that Jeff Van Gundy’s car was blown away by a jet engine (although that’s totally awesome) it’s the little things throughout this article that make it worth reading over and over and over again.

Here are a few tidbits to keep an eye out for:

1. Why is Jeff Van Gundy, a millionaire, driving a 1995 Honda Civic? His assistant drives a Lincoln.
2. The phrase “totally demolished”
3. Jeff Van Gundy slept on his office couch. No one would give him a ride home.

To recap his really bad day: After losing a playoff game and flying home at 3 am, Jeff Van Gundy’s 1995 Honda Civic was “totally demolished” by a jet engine so he slept on his office couch because no one would give him a ride home. Happy 4th!

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John Mayer Is Hiding Something

You see this car that would only be driven by a guy who is going through a mid-life crisis or trying to overcompensate for a serious case of flaming homosexuality? This is the car that 30-year-old John Mayer is driving around Los Angeles as you read this. He could have any car he wanted in the entire world and he decided to go for the baby blue and orange Ford GT with a big “6″ on the side. I’m a little speechless. I feel like this car is one of those signs we’ll all look back on and realize was such an obvious cry for help like Britney’s head shaving incident, Amy Winehouse’s drug arrest or Lindsay Lohan’s addiction to genitals (both male and female.)

On the upside, I would’ve really liked to have heard the conversation between John and the car salesman that sold him this hilarious piece of shit. Oh, I have it right here:

Salesman: So, I’ve showed you all of our Ferraris, Mercedes, BMWs, Jaguars, Lambourghinis and Lexus, but you don’t seem to like any of them.

John Mayer: Hey! What’s that over there!? That blue one!

Salesman: Um, I’m sorry Mr. Mayer, but that is our, ahem, “non-heterosexual” lot. I don’t think you’d want to be seen driving anything from over there. Especially since your new relationship with Jennifer Aniston…

John Mayer: Show me! Show me! Show me! It has baby blue! And a 6! It’s so pretty! I like orange!

Salesman: Mr. Mayer, please. You don’t want the public to get the wrong impression. How about a nice Porsche?

John Mayer: Hands off, sister! That car is all mine! Where do I sign?!?! I’m gonna drive it to Pinkberry RIGHT NOW!!!!

Salesman: [Sigh] Sign here.

John Mayer: Later bitch! [Speeds off.]

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What’s The Deal With Seinfeld Flipping His Car?

Remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry was driving along an East Hampton, NY road and his breaks went out and his car flipped over? Oh man, that one was way better than the one where Elaine’s boss ate a Snickers with a fork! Oh, wait, that wasn’t an episode. According to huffingtonpost.com it actually happened yesterday:

Jerry Seinfeld was in a harrowing rollover wreck but was unhurt after the brakes on one of his vintage cars failed.

Seinfeld tried the emergency brake, to no avail, and then swerved to keep the car from careering into an intersection, Sarris said.

The comedian took the crash in snide.

“Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do,” the Post quoted him as saying. “It is not something I plan to make a habit of.”

What do you think that wacky Kramer would say about this? I bet it would be something like, “Oh mamma!” or “Stick a fork in me. I’m done!” or “N-word! N-word! N-word!” Yeah, I bet Kramer would say something like that. Did I mention how wacky he is?

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