Uma Thurman: Stalker Worthy?

After hearing about Uma Thurman’s recent stalker troubles, I asked myself a question: If I was a stalker, would I stalk Uma Thurman? The answer was a pretty resounding “no.” (Since I was playing the role of a stalker, I also was hearing voices.) Then I asked myself another question: Is Uma Thurman sexy? Sure, she’s totally cool and seems down to earth. But do you really want to stalk some girl who looks and acts like the tomboy on your company softball team? If I’m going to blow a jail sentence on a girl, she’d have to have something awesome like an enormous ass or an enormous chest or a tiny mouth…which I think means I should be stalking one of the Chicago White Sox blow-up dolls.

Leave your viewpoints in the comments section. Our favorite responses will win some Holy Taco schwag.

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Creepy Or Sexy?: Bjork

Alright, I might be crazy here, but I sorta think Bjork is sexy.  Not so much in the classical sense of “having a pretty face” or “a nice figure” but more in the “if we had sex she’d dip my testicles in gravy and ask me to paint portions of the Koran on her ass with them.”  But then sometimes I look at her and I see the really weird angsty drama chick from high school who asked her mom to pick her up blocks away from campus so no one would know her parents drove BMWs.  But, as always, it’s not up to me.  It’s up to you.  Is she creepy…or sexy?

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Creepy Or Sexy?: Katie Holmes

If you would have told me a year ago, I’d be doing a Creepy Or Sexy for Katie Holmes, I would have said to you “What the f*&k is a creepy or sexy? Get away from me, I have to go back to work at my shitty restaurant.” But I also would have said Katie Holmes is sexy as a mo-fo.

Now, she’s way into a creepy cult, married to a way creepy dude, and she just got a hair cut that makes her look like I did in third grade. Now, I’m sure some of you would say “Hey, I’d bang the crazy out of her.” Maybe, but what happens if you try, and fail, and now you’ve angered her and she’s still crazy? I’m not taking that chance. But it’s not about me, it’s about you. So…is she creepy or sexy?

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Creepy Or Sexy?: Keira Knightley

You may disagree, but I think Keira Knightley is the epitome of a creepy or sexy. She was so hot in Pirates of the Carribean that I actually sat through the second and third installments of those movies even though they made less sense than the erection I got while watching the T-rex and Velociraptors fight at the end of the first Jurassic Park.

But then other times I see Keira Knightley, like in this picture, and think she looks like a seventh grade boy who’s really into emo music. What do you think? Is she creepy, or sexy?

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Creepy Or Sexy? Kirsten Dunst

I gotta be honest, I never even considered Kirsten Dunst worthy of a Creepy Or Sexy.  I just thought she was creepy.  But a reader sent me this picture and I thought she was kind of sexy in it.  Of course, I had just finished watching an episode of The Golden Girls, so it’s possible she could have sent me a picture of Tony Siragusa and I would have found it sexy.

Thinking about it, I like this pick because she’s very polarizing.  Some people find her snaggle tooth endearing and cute, others find it to be very snaggle tooth-y and gross.  You make the call.  Is she creepy…or sexy?

Thanks to Amanda S. for sending this in.

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Creepy or Sexy: Teri Hatcher

Remember when Teri Hatcher used to be smoking hot? When she was on Seinfeld and Lois and Clark she had many young teenage boys doing many young teenage boy-type things to themselves. But now, not so much.

And before you think I’m saying she’s ugly because she’s old, I’m just saying she doesn’t look as good as she used to because it looks like she’s injected 4,000ccs of Botox into her forehead. I guarantee she wouldn’t even be up for discussion if she just looked like a normal, 40-year-old woman instead of a brain-eating robot zombie. (No, I don’t know what a “robot zombie” is. The term just seemed to fit with this picture.)

But the question still remains: is she creepy or is she still sexy?

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Creepy Or Sexy?: Victoria Beckham

Sometimes I look at her and I think she looks like those evil robots from that part in Terminator 2 when they flash forward to show the apocalyptic earth in 2037 where machines rule.  But then sometimes I see her and I think she looks like a stripper with two good years left.  Either way, I’m strangely turned on.

Now, before you decide, I’m not asking you whether or not you’d have sex with her.  We’ve all probably had sex with someone we’d describe as “creepy,” or “unattractive,” or “a person with male genitalia.”  I’m just asking you, when it’s all said and done, is she creepy or sexy?

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Creepy or Sexy? The Olsen Twins

Remember when the Olsen Twins were getting ready to turn 18? There was chaos in the streets, men were visibly weeping and Jesus himself was shitting his pants. But now, when I look at them I sometimes see either Gollum or one of those troll dolls with the crazy hair. So which one is it? Are they the sexy sirens that caused the son of God to drop a load on himself or are they just weird looking gremlin girls who happen to be worth billions of dollars? (I know it’s common knowledge that one of them is hotter than the other, but to me they’re one big mashup of clown clothes, eyeliner and future suicides.)

Before you submit one of those “you would totally have sex with them” comments, let me save you some time. Of course I would have sex with them. I’m a man. I would have sex with a lawn chair if I could find the right lube. The question is whether they’re creepy or not.

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Creepy Or Sexy: Anne Hathaway

Let’s introduce some evidence.  The picture above is from the Oscars, last night.  I can’t say for certain, but I think I can actually see through her skin to the people behind her.  I feel like even people in Ireland would be grossed out by how pale she was.  But then sometimes I see her and think she’s really hot.  I’m so confused.  I feel like I did after I walked out of No Country For Old Men, except I’m not being bombarded by a group of hipsters telling me “You just don’t get it.”

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Creepy or Sexy: Christina Ricci

I can’t decide how I feel about Christina Ricci. On one hand she’s thin, she has nice cheekbones and she’s a pretty good actor. On the other, she’s a dwarf who can sometimes look like a 75-year old hobbit. Tell me which side of the Ricci fence you’re on. Also, see an uncensored photo of her tattoo here. Also, one time a monkey attacked her boob.

Photos courtesy of egotastic.com

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