Weekly Gif: Subway’s Jared And His Huge Pants

Everytime Subway’s Jared Fogle is on TV or at a speaking engagement, he’s always holding up a pair of enormous pants to illustrate the 70 million pounds he lost. But it’s too the point where that’s all he does now. Yes, we get it, you used to be a great big fat person. Now you’re not. Hooray. Your arteries must be stoked.

But enough with the pants. It’s like he keeps a box full of Levis with 62″ waists in the trunk of car, just in case anyone forgets that he used to be giant lardass. “Hey, look at my old pants! See how big they are in comparison to my newer, slimmer pants! I’m thinner!”

Due to bandwidth issues, you’re going to have to see Jared holding up a bunch of huge pants after the jump.
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Why Don’t They Just Say “Fat”?

You know your life already sucks when you’re on the run from the Feds. But you know it probably doesn’t get any worse when you click on CNN.com from your hideout and see that you’re also being referred to as “jowly.”
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Man Calls 911 After Subway Forgot His Sauce

911 is probably the most important phone number in our society. It’s a dependable lifeline you can reach out to when you are seriously injured, being attacked…or if that lazy Subway sandwich artist leaves the important sauces off your sub. According to jacksonville.com (of course this happened in Florida):

A hankering for special sauce at his neighborhood Subway led a Jacksonville man to dial 911 - twice - after the sauce was left off his spicy Italian sandwich.

Reginald Peterson, 42, told officers he called the emergency number so he could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. A few minutes later, he dialed 911 again to complain the police weren’t arriving fast enough.

Peterson walked into the Arlington sandwich shop about 7:45 p.m. Thursday and ordered two subs - a spicy Italian with everything and a chicken breast. When he discovered the spicy Italian didn’t have sauce, he demanded that it be corrected, according to a police report.

Employees told police the burly construction worker became belligerent while a sandwichmaker was working on his order, then went outside to call 911 “so that the police could have his sandwich made to his specifications,” the report said.

“We put everything that he asked for on it, and he comes back hollering at everyone,” said one employee, who wouldn’t give her name because of company policy. “He was mad because we didn’t put any sauces on it.”

When officers showed up, they said, they attempted to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.

He couldn’t be located Saturday for comment .

As for the sandwiches, Peterson instructed officers to throw them in the garbage.

The garbage? Now that’s a real reason to call 911. Those sandwiches didn’t hurt anyone. They were just lacking a little sauce. Shouldn’t the ACLU open up a sauce relocation program for wayward sandwiches? We can’t let these sandwiches die in vain, people. This is America.

Other crap to look at:
Megan Fox is a stepmother (drunkenstepfather)
A utility belt for the common man (tastybooze)
Emmanuel Chriqui is attractive (gorillamask)
Paz Vega bikini pictures (doubleviking)
Another example fo Front magazine’s superiority (hornyoyster)

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Summer’s Here!

If you have to mow a lawn this weekend, take a page out of this ingenius woman’s book and make sure you don’t tire yourself out with all that fat-burning exercise while you mow. It’s very easy.

Step 1: Be a fatass.
Step 2: Get a Rascal.
Step 3: Lose all your integrity.
Step 4: Find/borrow a push lawn mower.
Step 5: Kick back and enjoy the summer!

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Alanis Morissette Is Now Fat

Uh-oh. It looks like someone has put on a few “my-ex-boyfriend-Ryan-Reynolds-is-now-engaged-to-Scarlett-Johannson” pounds. But, honestly, I saw this coming a while ago. After seeing her in concert a few months back, I noticed the lyrics to her hit song “Ironic” seemed a little different than the original. I got a copy of the new version and it explains a lot. Here’s a few snippets:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay
I want to put some whipped cream on a slice of cheesecake
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
Get me some spanish peanuts. And lots
and lots of pie.
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

A traffic jam when you’re already late
A no-eating sign just when you bought some crepes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Because you want to hork down an entire Thanksgiving dinner
Because Ryan’s making-out with Scarlett that whore whore whore
And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think
A little too ironic…and, yeah, I really do think…

The weird part is, some of these new lyrics don’t even rhyme. Oh well.

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Kevin Federline Is A Tub Of Fat

So, apparently Kevin Federline has become fat.  And since previous to this he was a piece of shit, he’s now officially become the very catchy “Fat Piece Of Shit.”  Usmagazine.com reports:

Kevin Federline appeared to have packed on the pounds after hitting a Los Angeles Golf Course Friday.

But his ex Shar Jackson says his fuller figure is the result of being a full-time Mr. Mom.

“It’s daddy weight!” she tells usmagazine.com.  “When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can’t focus on you.

Daddy weight?  You can’t just start making up occupational reasons for being fat.  I can’t tell my girlfriend, “No, I’m not fat.  It’s just blogging weight.”  I can’t believe how fat Federline has become.  He looks like he’s using that golf club to pick up a donut hole he dropped.  At this rate, there’s no stopping his weight gain.  Here’s a photoshop rendering of what he’ll look like by 2010:

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Mike Huckabee and Fatasses say “Merry Christmas”

Ex fatty fats Mike Huckabee showed a true pledge of support for his currently fatty fats sons in the Huckabee Family Christmas Card this year. Every good tailor knows that if you and Grimace share the same body type, then you may want to pack your wardrobe with vertical stripes to take some of the pear off your pear-shaped ass. But it clearly doesn’t finish the job. Huckabee’s sons, who I assume are named Frisch’s Big Boy and Wendy’s Double w/ Cheese, are clearly too far gone to be helped. At least the one on the left is thinking, “If I crouch down low enough, no one will see my disgusting fatbody.” While Frisch’s Big Boy in the middle has clearly resigned himself to marrying anyone with a fat fetish. And the little girl on the far right, well, she’s just happy she hasn’t been eaten yet.

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