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Spreadable Things That Shouldn’t Be Spreadable

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Some foods are naturally spreadable, like butter, or peanut butter, or apple butter. Other foods have been forced into spreadability to appease mankind’s epic sloth. And not like a real sloth, because an epic sloth would be cool, I mean that in th…

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The 5 Best Poor Foods No Money Can Buy

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I’ve probably written on most kinds of foods at one time or another – the best tacos, wings, shit you can buy at the dollar store, drinks, candy and chips, but today I write about food as a public service. Cheap food. Value food! Food you can buy…

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Ranking Everyday Tasks in Order of Difficulty When You’re Dead Tired

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Do you sleep much? I don’t. I want to. My idea of a good day involves sleeping till noon. I could sleep for a solid 14 hours if left to my own devices, but alas I have work and life and responsibilities and a social stigma that says you’re a bi…

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5 Toppings I Never Want to See on a Burger

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Burgers are awfully close to the world’s most awesome food. There’s tacos, there’s wings, there’s properly made barbecue and there’s burgers. Yes these are all meats because as much as I enjoy a nice cherry, it ain’t meat. Something needs to no l…

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5 Foods I Don’t Want to Eat from Etsy

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Did I just write a whole week’s worth of food related articles for some reason? Yes I did. Go with it. Everyone eats, it’s relatable. That said, I found myself on Etsy looking for some crocheted nut warmers today and ran afoul of their food sect…

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The Krazy Kraft Kuisine Kontrivance

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It recently occurred to me that Kraft makes both Miracle Whip and Mac and Cheese, two foods that depress me to no end. Miracle Whip was invented as some kind of mayo knock off and tastes nothing like it, it just looks the same and I don’t even know…

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The 4 Saddest Canned Foods Ever

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This article needs to be clarified right off the bat. It’s not about gross canned foods, there are lots of those articles out there showing off pig brains and canned duck penis and who knows what else. This is focused on foods that are just depres…

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The 6 Worst Chocolates Ever

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Usually I try to stray from personal pieces in my writing, unless it’s an article about Fleshlights and I assume you’d all be interested in knowing what my wang is up to. But this one, I feel, is an important educational piece, a public service, if…

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5 Cheeses That Need to Be Made

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Cheese making is probably pretty simple. I’ve never endeavored to make much cheese, but I have tried once. I made some homemade marscapone. It tasted kind of like off yogurt. But the point is I did it and could probably do it again. Cheese was…

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Celebrate Pie Season with Pie

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Fall is in full swing and if you live in a part of the world in which leaves turn colors, they turned colored. Some people find that beautiful. For the rest of us it means we have to rake the damn lawn again. Oh good, the tree shat everywhere. W…

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Killing Me Softly with Grease: Fair Food

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Every year I attend my local county fair and attempt to punish my insides for their blatant cowardice and insistence on hiding away inside me like fearful babies. Well insides, you’ve never won the battle yet and this year was no different.

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