Let’s Bet On The Ponies And Chug Mint Juleps

The Kentucky Derby isn’t just about stupid hats and bourbon drinking contests. It’s also about gambling away your child’s college/dinner money on one of the world’s dumbest animals. But, instead of breaking down the Kentucky Derby with hardcore analysis of favorites, fixed odds and furlongs, I’m just going to pick this year’s winner by analyzing each horse’s name. I’m pretty sure this is how the experts do it.

1. Cool Coal Man
Analysis: Coal miners usually aren’t very fast because they aren’t alive due to some horrific on-the-job explosion. Don’t bet on him.

2. Tale of Ekati
Analysis: Ekati backwards is “ITake.” If you add “Third Place” it spells out “ITake Third Place.” Bet on him to come in third.

3. Anak Nakal
Analysis: I came down with a pretty bad case of Anak Nakal after a trip to Thailand. (It still burns when I pee.) Don’t bet on him.

4. Court Vision
Analysis: Court vision is good for point guards and lawyers. If this horse played for the Bulls or had a law degree I would bet on him. He doesn’t, so don’t.

5. Eight Belles
Analysis: Have you ever talked to one of those old-fashioned southern belles for more than two minutes? It’s all cotillion this and you-can’t-have-sex-with-me that. One is bad enough. Eight is just suicide. No bets for this belle.

6. Z Fortune
Analysis: Z Fortune is for Z Losers. Don’t bet Z farm.

7. Big Truck
Analysis: Big Trucks reminds me of that big fat Robert “Tractor” Traylor. There are only two things fat people are fast at: eating and sweating. And since this is a horse race and not a sweating while eating contest, I say no to this one.

8. Visionaire
Analysis: This sounds like some new-age douchebag who’s into “concepts” and “patchoulie” and “not flushing his urine.” I hate you. No bets for you.
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Un-Lock Of the Weekend

Alright, this column is getting embarrassing. I’m 0-3 and last week I put down a “John Holmes’ Penis” sized bet on the piece of shit Ravens last week, so there’s gonna be a few people who won’t be getting Christmas presents this year. Mostly cousins. But one of them is in jail, so I don’t have to buy him shit anyway. Although my mom says I have to write him a “nice card.” Maybe he can use the card’s pointy edges to fend off gang rapes.

On to this week’s Un Lock:

JETS (+9) over Titans

Kellen Clemens is out and Chad Pennington is in. I realize this is not cause for celebration. It’s more like wiping bird shit off your face except doing it with the towel you use to clean up with after you masturbate. But 9 points is a lot of points and the Titans offense is led by Vince Young, who Tavaris Jackson refers to as “the guy who has trouble throwing.”

I could go into stats and break down the game, but I’m 0-3 and I hate everyone. And now after re-reading this column, I realized I’m counting on the Jets to win money. Here’s my deal with you the reader, if I lose this game this week, I’ll allow one of you all to submit your own titles for this column that will appropriately say how much of a loser I am. Thank you and Go Jets.

Record: 0-3

Money won/lost (-390)

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