Once when I was at the zoo, I saw a monkey jerk off into his hand, then run up to a group of female monkeys and wipe his DNA on her face, then quickly run away. The female monkey didn’t flip out, she just calmly wiped it off her face, smelled it, then walked over to the male monkey and raised her butt up so he could have sex with her. I bring this up for two reasons 1)If you believe in evolution, we’re not that far removed from a time when we humped whatever, whenever and 2)I’m pretty sure George Clooney could pull the EXACT same move the monkey did, right now, and the result would be pretty similar. And now he may soon get the chance. People.com reports:
George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE.
The pair initially met in Las Vegas nearly four years ago, when Larson, a onetime Fear Factor winner, was a cocktail server at The Whiskey Bar. But it wasn’t until the pair met for the second time in June 2007 in Las Vegas that sparks flew.
I love how everyone thought that he was possibly going to get married to her. She used to be on Fear Factor and he met her in Vegas. That’d be like taking a cardboard box and chapstick and tossing them in the oven together and thinking, “I’m pretty sure this is going to end up a chocolate cake.” Reality shows and casino floors are not ingredients that make a marriage. Or, at least not without also adding the ingredients “cocaine” and “hooker who has cocaine.”
If you really really really like complete and total watered down bullshit stories, then you’re going to love Sarah Larson’s recounting of how her and George Clooney met. Now, I’ve put what she said through my patented Bullshit Translator 5000 ®, so after each of her quotes, I’ll use the translator to find out what she’s really saying. People.com reports:
“It was on his birthday three or four years ago at Whiskey at [Vegas's] Green Valley Ranch,” Larson says
BT 5000:I don’t remember when it was, all I know is me and my girlfriends had a bag of cocaine and needed a weiner to snort it off of, so I wandered into some bar, or maybe it was a motel room. Who knows.
The actor was with a group of pals, including Whiskey Bar owner Rande Gerber (Cindy Crawford’s husband). “I was with some friends. We were all dancing, taking pictures, being silly.”
BT 5000: He was a total asshole. He kept shouting, “I’m George Clooney! I’m George f&*king Clooney!,” while his friends held up stacks of hundred dollar bills and looked at me while they mimed acts of fellatio.
Then, when Clooney arrived in Vegas for the Ocean premiere last summer, “he heard I was working at Moon [nightclub].” The actor tracked her down, she says, and “we hung out.”
BT 5000:We screwed when ever he had a free second. Once, he took me to a Lakers game and I gave him an hand job while Matt Damon explained the plot of the Bourne Ultimatum to him.
Couple more stories like these and Sudan’s NEVER going to get to host the Olympics. Usmagazine.com reports:
During a recent trip to southern Sudan, [George Clooney] said he was going through checkpoints when muggers attacked him.
“There were all these young kids with AK47s,” Clooney, 46, tells British men’s magazine Zoo Weekly. “They pointed guns at us and stole what they could. It happens all the time.”
There’s no way he was that calm and collected while a group of Sudanese muggers holding AK-47s mugged him. I’m pretty sure his asshole made sure to introduce his pants to his shit. What’s more interesting to me about this story, is that there’s some dude in Sudan walking around with Clooney’s stuff. Maybe he’ll come to America and steal Clooney’s identity and people will be like, “Hey, you sure you’re George Clooney?” and the Sudanese dude will blink a few times intensely, purse his lips, and say in a really forced American accent “No no, I am in fact Mr. Clooney. Watch as I tell a self deprecating joke, then immediately segue into a serious social topic.” Then everyone will be like “Wow. I’m sorry I doubted you.” Anyway, I found the Sudanese dude, and he showed me what he took off Clooney.
Sarah Larson, George Clooney’s new girlfriend, used to like to get down when she was a waitress in Vegas. According to Star Magazine:
“She’s even been described as having a successful runway and print modeling career. But until recently, her modeling career consisted mostly of being paid by promoters for clubs, magazines and radio stations to attend special events in sexy outfits and party with her wild girlfriends!
“Sarah is outgoing and fun and loves to drink. She likes to get wasted when she goes out — but hey, that’s what Vegas is all about!”
“That’s our Sarah!” says the source. “She’s not shy in the slightest. She loves hamming it up and is never embarrassed. That’s the Sarah everyone in Vegas remembers, not the girl dressed in Valentino minding her manners for the cameras with George at the Oscars!”
I’d like to be the first to say, well done, George. Instead of going the Brad Pitt route and dating some politically-correct, UN-loving ice queen, he goes for the girl who can drink him under the table, can stay up for days and knows how to get dry humped in public. Bravo.
I’m not sure if this is a photo, or a drawing the three of them got at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Is that Calista Flockhart or that weird thing that rides the tricycle in the Saw movies?
BEST VAGINA IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Sarah Larson
I have no idea who this girl is and I don’t care. I’m not even going to look it up. What I do know is, Clooney may have lost Best Actor to Daniel Day Lewis, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a shit because he was holding his own awards later. Sources tell me the award for Best Penis Inside Sarah Larson went to Clooney and he gave an 8 hour acceptance speech which consisted of banging the crap out of her and ocassionally thanking his mom and Harvey Weinstein.
Actors and musicians often times use their celebrity to make the world a better place. Bono is trying to stop world hunger. Angelina Jolie is working to eradicate poverty in third world countries, and now, Amy Winehouse is trying to save her favorite pub. People.com reports:
The rehabbing singer is pitching in to help preserve The George Tavern, one of her favorite London pubs.
Before she entered into a U.K. treatment center, the Grammy-nominee suggested selling t-shirts to campaign against a planned apartment development which, opponents say, will ruin the bar’s unusual 360-degree light.
First of all, I like how she campaigned to save her favorite pub to get wasted at, right before she went to rehab. It reminds me of when my brother told my family he was going to try and lose weight and then took a job at Cinn-A-Bon. Secondly, she’s not the first celebrity to sell t-shirts to raise money for a good cause. I just bought these from George Clooney, who’s raising money for the atrocities being commited in Darfur, as well as promoting the blu-ray release of two of his films. Poor taste Clooney. Poor taste.
You think just because someone’s elected, they get to be president? No sir, before anybody moves into the White House, they have to pass an entrance exam.
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