How-to – Holytaco

How to Be a Mall Santa

So you’ve decided to be society’s version of herpes, good for you! Now is the season when mall Santas are in higher demand than ever because early June mall Santas are usually serial killers who are actually volunteers more often than not. Many po…

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How to Make Love

posted 11/29/2012
by Ian Fortey

So, you’ve decided to stick it to genetics and luck and try your hand at sweet, sweet coitus, good for you. The sex act, or porking, is one of the most satisfying ways to spend a commercial break man has ever devised. It provides a level of closen…

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How to Get Rid of Acne

posted 10/30/2012
by Ian Fortey

Say, are you riddled with zits? Do people try to hang their keys on your forehead? Ha ha, that’s preposterous. Anyway, follow these steps to clear skin and easy living. And let’s say hassle-free sex, that’ll probably happen.

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How to Remove a Wine Stain

posted 08/14/2012
by Ian Fortey

So, got a little stain there do ya, rubbie dub? Could barely hold that glass upright? Don’t feel bad, we’ll save you before anyone realizes what a dangerous lush you are.

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How to Cook Rice to Perfection

posted 07/31/2012
by Ian Fortey

Not everyone has mastered the art of cooking rice. If you know how already it seems stupid someone should be told, but everyone has to have a first time, know what I’m saying? Yeah, you know. You know I’m talking about rice. So here’s a handy gu…

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How to Tie a Tie

posted 07/18/2012
by Ian Fortey

1. Find a tie.

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How to Get a Reality Show on TLC

posted 06/26/2012
by Ian Fortey

So you’ve decided to leap into the stream of human effluence that is TLC and exploit yourself or loved ones for money and something akin to notoriety. Maybe infamy. Good for you, sorta. Despite all signs to the contrary, getting a show on TLC is …

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How to Spend Your Lottery Winnings

posted 06/12/2012
by Ian Fortey

So, you’ve decided to win the lottery, good for you! It’s a fast and efficient way to get rich with very little effort, we’re surprised more people haven’t thought f it. Millions of dollars for the price of a cup of coffee or a candy bar or whatev…

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How to Write a Comedy How to Article

posted 06/05/2012
by Ian Fortey

So you’ve decided to write a hilariously uninformative comedy how to article, good for you. People enjoy the way it promises a pay off and then never delivers because if you actually told people how to do something then it would be a real article a…

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How to Make a Modern Horror Movie

posted 05/29/2012
by Ian Fortey

So you’ve decided to try your hand at cinema’s most derided yet beloved genre of death-dealing terror, good for you! Yes, horror is timeless and primal and appeals to all of us on some level because fear is such a basic emotion. Good thing most ho…

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How to Be a Hobo (Based on Observation Only)

posted 05/22/2012
by Ian Fortey

So you’ve decided to eschew society’s comforts in favor of beggary and frostbite, good for you! It’s no easy task to simply let go of the material aspect of your life and become the thing most people equate with a living, breathing fart. Is that …

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How to Be a Mall Santa

How to Make Love

How to Get Rid of Acne

How to Remove a Wine Stain

How to Cook Rice to Perfection

How to Tie a Tie

How to Get a Reality Show on TLC

How to Spend Your Lottery Winnings

How to Write a Comedy How to Article

How to Make a Modern Horror Movie

How to Be a Hobo (Based on Observation Only)

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