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How to Get ready for the 4th of July

hell-yes-labor-day

Tomorrow is the 4th of July and that means parties for America. This is a big deal because it’s a holiday everyone has off and it’s at the peak of summer’s awesomeness so there’s much outdoorsy fun to be had. Not sure what you need to get done in …

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How To Quit Smoking In 30 Easy Steps

Quit Smoking

  1) Start fresh. Start with a clean slate. The night before you officially quit, smoke the final cigarette in your pack, and then go to bed. By the time you wake up in the morning, you will have officially started your first cigarette-fr…

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How To Give The Greatest High School Valedictorian Speech Of All Time

graduation

By: Brandon Mendelson There’s three things I remember from graduation: Nobody clapped when I got my diploma, I spent the whole ceremony talking to this hot girl whom I had never seen before or since, and the valedictorian speech was terrible. E…

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How to Love Yourself Like a Man: A Ladies Guide

How to Love Yourself Like a Man:  A Ladies Guide

Hi ladies. Welcome to the Taco. Can we fix you a drink? Something fizzy and scrumptious, perhaps? Yes, that will do. Sit here on the comfy seat and let me tell you a tale. A tale of wanking. Of flogging the bishop. Planting Farmer McGruber’…

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How To Fix Your Broken Internet

Angry At Computer

Sometimes the simple things in life are what annoy us the most, like when the internet goes out. Don’t you hate that? You’d think that in this technologically advanced world we live in today we’d have figured out how to provide constant, uninterrup…

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How to Be Mistaken for a Pedophile

pedobear

Today’s guest article is by C. Coville, who knows a thing or two about being creepy. At first, you might say to yourself “Why would anyone want to be mistaken for a pedophile? Unless you are into society-wide shunning and getting beaten…

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How to Pick a Sex Toy

sex toys

So you’ve decided to give up ol’ Righty in favor of a real, honest to goodness sexual construct to aide in your marital relations and/or lonesome, gloomy, mid-afternoon wank sessions to help you manage the crushing depression of your so…

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How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies

How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies

Don’t you hate it when you’ve just sat down for dinner and you’re about to savor that first delicious sporkful of creamed spinach and tuna when your reverie is smashed by a knock upon the door? So you grunt your way out of the ea…

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How to Catch a Sasquatch

How to Catch a Sasquatch

Holy Taco is officially sick to death of Bigfoot’s shenanigans. He’s real, he’s not real, he’s friendly to John Lithgow, he wants to eat and sexually molest John Lithgow. He’s a Yeti, he’s an Abominable Snowman…

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How to Make a Lady Gaga Outfit

How to Make a Lady Gaga Outfit

So you’ve decided you want to make a fashion statement, but you’re not creative enough to be actually creative and your understanding of what “fashion” means is dubious at best, clouded behind a haze of OTC cough medicine an…

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How to Care for Boobies

How to Care for Boobies

Every man worth his salt wants boobs. No offense gay guys who don’t like boobs, but that’s the fatal flaw in your whole gay game. There’s no boobs. And that’s why a gay guy will never walk on the moon. For the rest of us…

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How to Win Hell’s Kitchen

How to Win Hell’s Kitchen

Chef Gordon Ramsay is known for cursing like a stevedore and having about 8 shows on the Food Network, just like every other chef on the Food Network because the owners of the Food Network really have nothing to fill 24 hours a day with other than …

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