How-to – Holytaco

How to Be a Mall Santa

So you’ve decided to be society’s version of herpes, good for you! Now is the season when mall Santas are in higher demand than ever because early June mall Santas are usually serial killers who are actually volunteers more often than not. Many po…

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How To Give The Greatest High School Valedictorian Speech Of All Time

posted 06/02/2011
by Ian Fortey

By: Brandon Mendelson There’s three things I remember from graduation: Nobody clapped when I got my diploma, I spent the whole ceremony talking to this hot girl whom I had never seen before or since, and the valedictorian speech was terrible. E…

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How to Love Yourself Like a Man: A Ladies Guide

posted 01/24/2011
by Ian Fortey

How to Love Yourself Like a Man: A Ladies Guide

Hi ladies. Welcome to the Taco. Can we fix you a drink? Something fizzy and scrumptious, perhaps? Yes, that will do. Sit here on the comfy seat and let me tell you a tale. A tale of wanking. Of flogging the bishop. Planting Farmer McGruber’…

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How To Fix Your Broken Internet

posted 01/13/2011
by Luis Prada

Sometimes the simple things in life are what annoy us the most, like when the internet goes out. Don’t you hate that? You’d think that in this technologically advanced world we live in today we’d have figured out how to provide constant, uninterrup…

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How to Be Mistaken for a Pedophile

posted 12/09/2010
by Ian Fortey

Today’s guest article is by C. Coville, who knows a thing or two about being creepy. At first, you might say to yourself “Why would anyone want to be mistaken for a pedophile? Unless you are into society-wide shunning and getting beaten…

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How to Pick a Sex Toy

posted 12/07/2010
by Ian Fortey

So you’ve decided to give up ol’ Righty in favor of a real, honest to goodness sexual construct to aide in your marital relations and/or lonesome, gloomy, mid-afternoon wank sessions to help you manage the crushing depression of your so…

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How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies

posted 11/16/2010
by

Don’t you hate it when you’ve just sat down for dinner and you’re about to savor that first delicious sporkful of creamed spinach and tuna when your reverie is smashed by a knock upon the door? So you grunt your way out of the ea…

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How to Catch a Sasquatch

posted 11/03/2010
by

Holy Taco is officially sick to death of Bigfoot’s shenanigans. He’s real, he’s not real, he’s friendly to John Lithgow, he wants to eat and sexually molest John Lithgow. He’s a Yeti, he’s an Abominable Snowman…

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How to Make a Lady Gaga Outfit

posted 10/25/2010
by

So you’ve decided you want to make a fashion statement, but you’re not creative enough to be actually creative and your understanding of what “fashion” means is dubious at best, clouded behind a haze of OTC cough medicine an…

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How to Care for Boobies

posted 10/12/2010
by

Every man worth his salt wants boobs. No offense gay guys who don’t like boobs, but that’s the fatal flaw in your whole gay game. There’s no boobs. And that’s why a gay guy will never walk on the moon. For the rest of us…

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How to Win Hell’s Kitchen

posted 10/04/2010
by

Chef Gordon Ramsay is known for cursing like a stevedore and having about 8 shows on the Food Network, just like every other chef on the Food Network because the owners of the Food Network really have nothing to fill 24 hours a day with other than …

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How to Get Dumped

posted 09/29/2010
by

If you’re a social malcontent, you may suffer the same issues we do whereby you suffer the inability to break up in a proper, mature fashion with another human being. Instead, not wanting to have that guilt on your shoulders, you simply forc…

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How to Be a Mall Santa

How To Give The Greatest High School Valedictorian Speech Of All Time

How to Love Yourself Like a Man: A Ladies Guide

How To Fix Your Broken Internet

How to Be Mistaken for a Pedophile

How to Pick a Sex Toy

How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies

How to Catch a Sasquatch

How to Make a Lady Gaga Outfit

How to Care for Boobies

How to Win Hell’s Kitchen

How to Get Dumped

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