Hulk Hogan Stalks Linda Hogan

If there’s one thing you have to know about the Hulkster, it’s that he could strike anywhere, at any time. Especially, ESPECIALLY, if you’re holding a microphone that’s descended from above you and you’re giving a speech about how much he sucks. So, it’s no surprise Linda Hogan said this according to people.com:

Linda Hogan filed court documents on June 30 seeking to prevent her estranged husband from harassing her.

Linda Hogan, 48, claims that Hulk Hogan, 54, “relentlessly and methodically” follows her, “causing her anxiety and fear for her safety at all times.

I think Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka filed a similar lawsuit on Monday Night Raw, but it was dismissed when he was hit by a chair thrown by The Million Dollar Man who was acting as the judge of an impromptu courtroom that had been set up in the ring. I knew it wasn’t looking good for Snuka when Hulkster objected on the grounds of “Snuka needs to grow some cahones, and stop acting like a little giiiiiirrllllllllll!” and Million Dollar Man sustained that objection.

Anyway, it got me to thinking, what would it look like to have the Hulkster stalking you. I think we all know what it would look like:

Then of course, if he called in some friends, it might look something like this:

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Brooke Hogan: “Dad Touches Me Like Old Car”

So, a few weeks ago there was a big to do about the picture above, where Hulk Hogan is rubbing lotion on his daughter’s ass/caressing her inner thigh. I will admit, these pictures are pretty creepy. Like, “Manager of a Hooters checking the bathroom after they’re closed and ready to lock up and finding a guy hiding in the handicapped stall” creepy. But it’s the Hulkster, there’s no way he’s a bad dude.  I mean, he spoke to thousands of 9 year old kids, telling them to stay off steroids, which as everyone knows, 9 is the time when you most strongly consider them. There must be some kind of valid explanation. Brooke, offer us one. Usmagazine reports:

Brooke Hogan, 20, sees nothing wrong with photos showing dad Hulk, 54, applying lotion to her butt that sparked a flurry of Internet gossip in April.

“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like he’s touching an old car.”

See!  That settles it.  I feel so silly to have ever thought that his caressing of his daughter’s ass with lotion was some sort of sexual thing.  I mean, it’s just how the guy touches an old car, back off!  Unless maybe….

Hmmm.  I can’t really defend that.  Don’t worry, the car released a statement saying “I know I’m a grown car, but it’s like he’s touching his 18 year old daughter!

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Brooke Hogan Will Play Your Party

Have you ever been to a party and thought, “This party would be so much better if Brooke Hogan was here?” If you answered yes, you’re Brooke Hogan. If you answered no, you’re every other human being on the f*&king planet. But, Brooke wants to let you know that’s she’s available. Perezhilton.com reports:

The reality TV star and failed singer is fishing for work.

She’s taken to her official blog, begging someone to hire her!

Says Brooke:

BROOKE NOW ACCEPTING PERFORMANCE AND APPEARANCE DATES!!!
Category: Music

Brooke is now accepting offers for Live Tour Dates, Live Performances, and Appearances.

Call now to book a date. Brooke’s schedule fills up quickly and she doesn’t wanna let anyone down!

I foresee a large group of thirteen year old Jewish boys with erections staring at her in the near future. I really like that she says her “schedule fills up quickly and she doesn’t want to let anybody down.” I think in the history of Brooke Hogan’s existence, no one has ever said “Great, I was supposed to see Brooke Hogan but she’s busy. Man, this just really shits all over my day.”

Here’s what I think’s gonna happen. Her agent is going to get a call from “Bulk Bogan,” and he’s going to book her on gigs all over town, but at the last minute a prior engagement will keep him from attending. But since no one will actually want her to come, he’ll have to eventually end up booking her places like this:

That kid in the top left of the class does not seem to be enjoying her performance.

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Nick Hogan Hates His Cell

So apparently Nick Hogan hasn’t been adjusting to jail very well.  The New York Post reports:

 ”They have him in a cell by himself, isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn’t understand how awful jail really is until now.”

First off, I like how people are surprised he’s not adjusting well to jail.  Who the f%&k goes to jail and is like “wow, you know, I thought this was going to be bad, but really, I haven’t missed a beat!  I normally spend my waking hours making sure no one is planning on raping me, so this was just more of the same, except now I have more time for reading.”

Secondly, how could Nick Hogan have NOT understood how awful jail was.  Did he not see the episode of Family Matters where Carl is forced to throw Urkel in jail for grand theft auto, even though it was only a hilarious misunderstanding? The thing is, Nick Hogan is getting special treatment.  If there’s anybody who watches wrestling, it’s prison guards, and they’re for sure fans of the Hulkster.  I think Hogan’s cell probably looks something like this:

See, rapes occur most frequently when an inmate is urinating, that’s when the Ultimate Warrior stands guard allowing Hogan to piss while making what seems to be an incredibly smug face.

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Hulk Hogan’s Son Put In Headlock By Judge

When I was younger, I always thought it would be really cool if Hulk Hogan was my dad.  But I also used to want to live in a house made of fruit roll ups.  In retrospect, they both seem kind of like bad ideas.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Nick Bollea (Hogan’s son) was sentenced to eight months in Florida’s Pinellas County Jail for felony reckless driving Thursday after pleading no contest in in court.

This is one of the first times in recent memory I’ve heard of a celebrity or a child of a celebrity, actually serving jail time.  That’s a good move going by Nick Bollea because you gotta figure in jail, the fewer reasons some has to rape you, the better off you are.  Thus, if somebody was like “I can either rape one of these two men, but I’m undecided at this point,” and someone came up to him and was like “That one is Hulk Hogan’s son,” I think that’s enough to cause said rapist to be like “Well, all things being equal, I’d rather rape someone of note.”

I still can’t believe he actually got sentenced.  It makes me wonder who the judge was.

Very uncool Macho Man, very uncool.

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Hulk Hogan Carefully Watches Brooke Hogan

The above is a picture of Brooke Hogan, her boyfriend, and her dad Hulk Hogan, at a pool on vacation.   Look at the Hulkster in this picture, he looks like a hippopotamus wading through a river in Africa, silently watching a group of tourists on safari.

What the hell must it be like to date Brooke Hogan?  I imagine if I were at the dinner table with the Hogan family and I reached over someone’s plate to grab the salt,  the Hulkster would grab my arm and go:  “You know what, you’ve been grabbing a lotttaaaaa things at this dinner table!   A loottaaaa things.  But maybe the next time you grab somethin’, the Hulkster’s gonna grab you and give you a lesson in Hulk-a-nomics,” to which I’d probably reply, “Did you mean a lesson in Hulk-a-manners?  What I did was more an example of something rude than an example of poor understanding of economics.”  At which point Hulkster would stare at me for a few seconds and then tear his shirt off and kill me.

Seriously though, I’ve seen enough wrestling matches with Hulk to know that the above photo can turn in to this really quickly:

Editor’s note: I loved the Hulk’s face in the headline pic so much I decided to see what it was like if he spied on other relationships.  Check it after the jump.

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Brooke Hogan’s Boobs Go Straight Up

When you’ve been followed around by paparazzi and have been in a few tabloids, you might think that you wouldn’t do some things that make you look a little stupid when you’re wearing nothing but a bikini on a public beach. Brooke Hogan apparently doesn’t feel that way. That’s why she decided to jump up and down 50 times to a few cameras could catch her ta-tas in fully flying form. Maybe she’s trying to emulate the Hulkster’s rhythmic celebratory post-match pectoral dancing. Or maybe she’s just stupid. Take a look at the pics below. Special thanks to reader Marcus L. for the last one.

Enjoy Hulk’s famous “Dookie” scene after the jump.

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