See what they did right there, they made you think there’s a better phone then the iPhone, but then at the last second, they revealed that there’s not! Apple, you’ve done it again!
If you already own the old version of the iPhone, basically that commercial reads like this:
“Hey shit bag. Pay attention to what I’m saying because I’m letting you know that that phone you spent half a paycheck on to look cool, is now not only being offered for half the price you paid for it, but is better in every way. Now, not only will you have a shittier version of our phone, but every time you show someone your iPhone, they’ll ask you if it’s the new version and you’ll have to tell them no. In closing, go f*&k yourself.
Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We’re not saying we’re cool, we’re just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.
10. iPhone
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so f*&king boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: I’ve done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means “something that’s not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it.” This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they’re not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from “An Inconvenient Truth” in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.
9.Ironic Belt Buckles
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a “Rodeo Champion” or a “Pac Man” or a “Truck Driver” or a “Jack Daniels.” And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you’re being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.
WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You’re the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.
The iPhone is great for email, texting and searching the Internet, but it’s lacking one vital piece of technology: the pocket vagina. According to the AP:
Van Nuys, California – The newest Apple knockoff has taken the computer giant’s technology into a more risque industrial sector. “The iGina: the next generation in cellular technology,” due for release later this year claims to combine all the features of an iPhone with one minor addition: a pocket vagina.
“The iGina is literally five years ahead of any other pocket pussy on the market,” said FleshTouch Industries CEO Robert Small.
“No other product out there allows you to play music, access e-mail, check weather, all while sliding your penis in and out of a soft, four inch shaft of self lubricated, skin-like tissue.”
Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and creator of the iPhone, has responded by filing a lawsuit against FleshTouch industries for patent infringement and defamation. “It’s our design and technology exactly, they’ve just added a synthetic vagina on the front of it,” said Jobs from his office in Cupertino.
Small disagrees. “Of course he’d say that. That’s because he didn’t think of it. We designed the PeniTouch, not him.” Small is referring to the feature on the iGina that allows users to navigate the interface of the phone through in and out thrusts of the users erect penis.
If I had a nickel for every time I cursed my iPhone for not having a vagina-like hole for me to have sex with I would have enough nickels to buy an iGina…or possibly even a real vagina.
It’s that time of the week again, our installment of our “If They Had A Comic Book…” series. This week it got a little epic. It’s 3 whole pages. With football season fast approaching, we ...
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