For the last four months I’ve been trying to formulate a plan that would allow me touch Jessica Alba’s boobs. I’m not going to go into details, but it involved a Honda Accord, three boxes of cheerios, a Hitler costume and Cincinnatti Reds outfielder Adam Dunn. Don’t try to make sense out of it, it was very layered and complicated. But now I realized there’s a waaaaay easier and more effective method. Starmagazine.com reports:
[Jessica alba responded] when a young fan with a serious heart problem wanted to spend some special time with her
Alina Kent, a 9-year-old native of Stockbridge, Ga., suffers from mitral valve regurgitation, a potentially deadly
Alina and Jessica spent hours at the salon getting makeovers together. “She even asked me to help with her hair and makeup,” raves Alina. “We talked about movies and acting. And we were silly, too. Because I have to drink a lot of water, we had a water drinking contest!”
Cash Warren, Jessica Alba’s boyfriend and all-around uber douche, started the site ibeatyou.com where people…um…try to beat each other at stuff like lip synching and movie quoting and…beards. (I’m serious.) On the site you can see Jessica doing a bunch of stupid crap like showing off a thumb trick or…naming the best magazine. (I’m not joking.) The above video is the Cash man himself trying to win the Tongue Twister competition by saying “Toy Boat” 20 times in a row.
The worst part about all this is that this friggin’ tool is dating Jessica Alba. He not only looks like a melvin, but the self-righteous smugness he uses to deliver the last “Toy boat!” proves that he is the big bag of douche you always knew he was. I mean, he’s not even good at it, yet he gives off that “I nailed it!” vibe that you usually only see in high school jocks and wealthy, white prep-school kids. I will give Cash all of my cash to go away forever. (I hope $37 is enough.)
According to usmagazine.com, Jessica Alba is scared of breastfeeding.
She says she recently had a dream and “it had to do with breastfeeding which is the only thing I’m paranoid about. More than giving birth.”
A dream? What could have happened in that dream that caused her to freak out about breastfeeding? I can’t even imagine what could have…wait…I think I have an idea as to what spooked her…
{Editor’s Note} He has a computer because I’m too lazy to erase it in photoshop. Although feel free to make up your own dream scenarios involving evil Carrot Top baby and the computer.
Being pregnant has its ups and downs (and I should know. My water just broke.) On the downside: you puke quite a bit, you have to experience something called an episiotomy and you get weird cravings for pickled grapefruit and WD-40. But on the upside: you get to skip your period for nine months, you get to experience the joy of childbirth and, most importantly for the male population, your breasts swell up like hot air balloons. For proof, here’s newly pregnant Jessica Alba:
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